21/10/19

 My heart the betrayer,
 

 How many years wasted 
 How many days that never happened.
 How many nights that froze me to the bones. 
 

 Still clinging to him.
 Still longing for him.
 Still dreaming of him.
 

 Isn’t the world wide enough?
 

 So many different faces 
 So many different stories
 So many different languages
 

 So much that could have happened.
 But it didn’t.
 

 Because all you wanted was his arms.
 Because all you wanted was his hands.
 Because all you wanted was his heart.
 

 But pray tell,
 

 Do you remember his face?
 Do you remember his voice?
 Do you remember his scent?
 

 Could you find him in a sea of people?
 Could you find him in a field of souls?
 Could you find him in the tumult of the end?
 

 Oh listen to my heart,
 Oh listen to my soul,
 Oh listen to my pen,
 

 What sighs full of wonder!
 What dreams full of magic!
 What stories full of insight!
 

 How will I ever be able to reason with them?
 

 Day after day I watch it trickle away.
 Night after night, I beg it to stay.
 Year after year, I feel the dust gathering.
 

 The life I could have had.
 

 Had I not glanced at you.
 Had I not heard your voice.
 Had I not glimpsed an endless wave in your eyes.
 

 It was a breath.
 It was a dream.
 It was a word.
 

 And my world was changed forever.
 

 My heart singing the same song year after year,
 My heart weaving the same fabric year after year.
 My heart rehearsing the same play year after year.  
 

 Without even wearing the right makeup and costume,
 Without even announcing a date for the opening,
 Without any orchestra playing in the gallery.
 

 Just the cadence of my treacherous heart.
 Just the hum of my overflowing heart.
 Just the sigh of my breaking heart. 
 

 So soft, so quiet,
 So gentle, so slow.
 So subtle, so close.
 

 I wish it could be over,
 But it never ends.
 

 How long does it take for cosmic dust to become a new star?
 How long does it take for a supernova to become a pulsar?
 How long does it take for a galaxy to collapse in a black hole?
 

 How long? How long?
 

 For mitosis?
 For replication?
 For the virus to spread?
 

 For the trees to die?
 For the ashes to be crushed?
 For the carbon to solidify?
 

 For earth to drink the river?
 For the heat to steal the droplets?
 For the rain to cry into the river?
 

 How long? How long?
 

 For the never-ending story.
 For the never-ending cycle.
 For the never.ending movement.
 

 On and on.
 

 My dreams and glimpses of you wax,
 My hope are harvested in the moonlight. 
 My wishful thinking wanes into a sickly trickle. 
 

 And yet,
 

 With every pump.
 With every thud.
 With every breath,
 

 My heart could remember you.
 

 Feeble crushable thing.
 Tender delicate muscle.
 Small and moldable tissue. 
 

 Wouldn’t it flatter the feathers on your head?
 Wouldn’t it thicken the mane around your face?
 Wouldn’t it give more color to the foliage in which you hide?
 

 It would be poetical.
 

 If all my thoughts,
 if all my breaths,
 if all my existence
 were for you.
 

 It would have been foolish.
 It would have been patthetic.
 It would have been a real waste.
 

 Look up, dear, look up.
 The infinite display of jewels and gems : forever beyond your reach.
 

 Look down, dear, look down.
 The ever flowing oceans of secrets : forever beyond your reach.
 

 Look in, dear, look in.
 The winding way only a soul can find : forever beyond your reach.
 

 I look up,
 And see the creation of the Loving.
 

 I look down,
 And I see the bestowal of the Everlasting.
 

 I look in,
 And I find my way to the Most High.
 

 And thus,
 

 With every pump,
 With every thud,
 With every breath,
 

 I remember Him.
 

 The One who created me.
 The One who holds me.
 The One to whom I will return.
 

 And I am free…
 

 Of my heart’s frailty.
 Of my heart’s naivety.
 Of my heart’s foolishness.
 

 And I am free.
 

 Of your flicker.
 Of your fright.
 Of your flight. 
 

 And I am free
 

 To love you,
 The fallible man. 
 

 To love myself.
 The imperfect woman. 
 

 To love my Creator,
 The Giver of Life.
 

 Free.
 

 To find compassion for you,
 and for my heart.
 

 To find gentleness for you,
 and for my heart.
 

 To find forgiveness for you,
 and for my heart. 
 

 Forever,
 

 Basking in His Light.
 Melting in His Mercy.
 Loving in His Love. 
 

 No, dear heart, I haven’t wasted anything..
 No dear heart,  I haven’t lost anything. 
 No, dear heart, I haven’t missed anything.
 

 It isn’t over.
 It isn’t too late.
 It isn’t all that there is.
 

 With every pump,
 With every thud,
 With every breath,
 

 Remember.
 Remember Him.
 Remember Him, and remain free.
 

 For that next ridge,
 For that next crest,
 For that next summit. .
 

 And life that keeps on going.
 

 In spite of the heartache that tear you.
 In spite of the ghosts who still linger.
 In spite of the wind which can only blow.
 

 Your heart grows.
 Your heart glows.
 Your heart beats… and beats… and beats.
 

 And remembers.