I don’t want a new dress
I don’t want a new face
I don’t want a new love
New is unknown.
New is foreign.
New is tiresome.
I want to be known.
I want to know.
To know without words.
I want to slip in a warm home.
I want to slip in a familiar bed.
I want to drift in familiar woods.
I dream of them…
The ghost who slipped through my fingers
The ghost who slit open my heart
The ghosts who could only linger;
Never stay.
Who are those strangers?
Stranger to my heart.
Who are those foreigners?
Foreigner to my heart.
Who are those intruders?
Intruders to my heart.
Can’t let them know.
Can’t let them in.
Can’t let them stay.
Tired rain-heavy roses
Scattering scattering
Lolling lolling.
Fading fading.
Is it too late?
Is it too soon?
Patience
Peace.
Prayer.
My lips move
Wordlessly.
My wings move
Flightlessly
My heart moves
Restlessly.
Love always sputters out
Love always springs out
Love always sprouts out.
Ivy on crumbly towers
Roses on crumbly gates
Daisies on crumbly lands.
Life and Love
Love and Life.
Lush leaves glistering
Thick sap sputtering
Unseen fungi sprouting.
What is old springs new life.
New life springs from the old.
But none of those strangers are you.
And yet,
I must embrace the new season.
And yet,
I must embrace the new songs.
And yet,
I must embrace the new awakening.
We are made of atoms
We are made of sighs
We are made of particles
of the same stars
of the same rocks
of the same earth
And perhaps,
That spark
That glint
That echo
could be found in another.
For when we love the moon,
We love reflected light.
For when we love lakes,
We love reflected light.
For when we love others
We love reflected Light.
And in that Light
We are forever entwined
We are forever found
We are forever united.
And perhaps my prayers
become gems
become roses
become warmth
bestowed on you.
And you know you are not forgotten.
And you know you are not unloved.
And you know you are not hated.
And you know…
As God decrees.
As God allows.
As God enables.
The garden tells a story
The woods give us wisdom
Nature shows us signs
When the cherries start to drop down
Garlics must be pulled up
St John’s wort will be harvested away.
Summer solstice.
And the robin returns.
And the tits revolve.
And the day stand still.
Longest day.
And I understand
Even if time stands still
it must pass.
Even if the sun burns me
It will fade.
Even if the heat melts me.
I will prevail.
How ethereal is that summer sunset,
Pure gold.
How gentle is that growing shade,
Safe harbour.
How delicious is that evening breeze,
True embrace.
As cliché as it sounds,
all seasons must pass.
As cliché as it sounds,
all joys must pass.
As cliché as it sounds,
all griefs must pass.
On and on.
That ever revolving cycle.
That ever growing tree.
That ever spinning planets.
On and on.
Until the end is decreed by the One.
Look at them,
How they spin through the darkness!
Look at them,
How they grow and scatter through the fields!
Look at them,
How they bloom and whither through the world!
The wonder
The awe
The joy
that keeps on going.
Ever whirling,
Like fleeting seasons.
Ever growing,
Like enduring moss
Ever glimmering,
Like distant stars.
We keep on going.
I dreamt that moment
so many times
I prayed for that moment
so many times
I imagined that moment
so many times.
Curtain lifting
Dawn breaking
Mists rising
You & me
Me & you.
Face to face,
Voice to voice,
Smile to mile.
But you are silent
But you are deaf
But you are gone
And I’m still here.
Loving myself
Holding myself
Keeping myself
Yet, still, yearning for you.
Yet, still, hoping for you.
Yet, still, longing for you.
For you,
Love is longing.
For you,
Love is pain.
For you,
Love is distance.
And I am gone, now.
What I wished
What I hoped
What I craved
Wasn’t to be.
God knows best.
And I wish to love Him
more than you.
And I wish to trust Him
more than myself.
And I wish to find Him
more than a lover.
God knows best.
That man isn’t you.
He spoke like you.
He wrote like you.
He weaved like you.
Pretty words
Pretty prayers
Pretty feelings.
Matching his words with deeds
Unlike you.
Keeping his words light
Unlike you.
Respecting me with his words
Unlike you.
I wish i could write an elegy for you.
But you are still living,
There’s still hope for you.
And for me?
There’s possibility
There’s hope
There’s tomorrow.
Without you
My heart,
breaking
hoping
striving
Without you.
Some say,
Time is a straight line
Heading for a crash.
Time is a swirl,
Heading for a spin.
Time is a spiral,
Heading for the centre.
Some faces return
Some stories return
Some heartaches return
On and on
Until I know
Until I see
Until I am free.
How many times have I met you?
Never the same age.
Never the same lineage.
Never the same line,
Yet the exact same eyes
Yet the exact same weakness
Yet the exact same boy.
Beyond the man I encounter
The little boy finds me in my dreams
The wizened stranger finds me in my dreams.
The mighty teacher finds me in my dreams.
My stalwart heart,
My brave heart,
My gentle heart,
Loves beyond bounds.
Love beyond words.
Loves beyond reason.
Yet love is never enough
For the unloved child
For the untaught child
For the undone child
Until he loves his own self.
I always mistake you for a lover
I always mistake you for a healer
I always mistake you for a keeper
When you are only here for healing.
I am not yours.
You are not mine.
But in this moment
But in this life
But in this blink
You found me.
I found you.
For a reason that I cannot know.
For a reason that you cannot know.
Only God knows.
Always the same lost boy
Always the same lovelorn boy
Always the same languishing boy
Save me
Love me
Hold me.
But I am not your mother.
But you are not my son.
I mistook you for the love of my life.
I mistook you for the love of my eternity.
I mistook you for the love of my dreams.
And gave you the keys,
To my heart,
To my tower,
To my soul.
And you broke
And you tore
And you core
Like only a child can.
Give me
See me.
Take me.
And I shall never give you anything in return
But tears
But pain
But scars.
I know the song that plays in your heart.
I was hurt
Hurt them
I was forgotten
Forget them
I was neglected
Neglect them
And watch the pain in their eyes.
Child,
Boy,
You,
Do you know what I can teach you?
For every hurt,
here’s a rose.
For every tears,
here’s a prayer.
For every scar,
here’s a light.
The circle can be broken
The cycle can be broken
The chain can be broken
Into petals
Into tinsel
Into gems.
Go.
You are forgiven.
No ifs,
No buts,
No in spites.
You are forgiven.
Too heavy,
Too heady,
Too fiery,
You are forgiven.
Until the pain flares up again.
Until the memories rise up again.
Until the sadness choke me up again.
But I will see the sad child again
But I will see the lost boy again
But I will see the broken infant again
And forgive you once more.
To you,
your path.
To me,
my path.
For us,
our drifting paths.
Infatuation
Infiltration
Intrusion
Deceived me.
I lost my footing,
I lost my wings,
I lost my way…
Or so I thought.
How does one see in pitch dark?
How does one feel in searing pain?
How does one know in deep silence?
Unable to move.
Unable to walk.
Unable to fly
I waited.
In spite of the dark
In spite of the pain
In spite of the silence
I knew You hadn’t left me.
As I regain my sight,
As I regain my senses,
As I regain my hearing…
I first saw those familiar faces.
I first saw those familiar feathers.
I first saw those familiar flames.
I first felt my soft skin shiver.
I first felt the soft leaves shiver.
I first felt those soft petals shiver.
I first heard my heart beat.
I first heard my birds sing.
I first heard them call my name.
Who were they?
Those who knew me.
Those who seek me.
Those who loved me…
And never left.
Like a cat jumping on my lap,
Like a mother looking for my smile.
Like a friend asking me to hear my voice.
And as they drew me close,
I drew closer to You.
This is what love is…
Not blinding passion
Not destructive desire.
Not desperate need.
Love is warm, like waves.
Love is constant, like sunrises.
Love is gentle, like feathers.
It’s Your embrace.
It’s Your solace.
It’s Your light.
And I never lost it…
I had just fallen in that well.
Like Prophet Joseph.
I had just fallen into that fish,
Like Prophet Jonas.
I had just fallen in that grief,
Like Prophet Job.
But I am just a girl
But I am just a sparrow.
But I am just a violet.
Weak.
Insignificant
Forgotten.
You are the roots that keep me upright.
You are the sap that keeps me thriving.
You are the sunshine that keeps me living.
You are all that keeps me sane.
You are all that keeps me breathing.
You are all that keeps me flying.
When I have lost my feathers,
When I have lost my élan,
When I have lost my way.
You beckon me home to You.
With the love of Your creatures,
With the beauty of Your creation,
With the rhythm of Your words.
And I know now…
I had to descend into the abyss,
to find pearls and corals.
I had to climb to the torrent,
to find gems and minerals.
I had to swim in bitter waters,
to find wings and truth.
A storm to give me,
the right wind
A well to give me,
the right insight
A dark night to give me,
the right cover.
To spread my wings,
To open my heart,
To free my soul….
And turn to You.
And perhaps,
Grow closer
Dig deeper
Rise truer
On that path that leads home to You.
So many words,
So many dreams,
So many thoughts,
Utterly wasted.
Leaving me breathless
Leaving me lifeless
Leaving me wordless.
Leaving me.
I scratch my way out
I stumble my way out
I crawl my way out.
Out,
Out,
Out… where?
It’s barely May
The blue sky stretches infinitely
The mountains are bare and green
The path is dry and scalding….
Too much sun
Too much heat
Too much….
And yet,
Here are the acacias and the elders
Their sweet scent
Their white flags
Their gentle dance
And beyond them,
The winding path
The lush scrub
The cool woods.
Teeming with life,
Chittering with hope.
Moist with tears….
Tears of hope.
Tears of tiredness.
Tears of relief.
That part is over,
Isn’t it?
Thank God!
That new part is starting,
Isn’t it?
Thank God!
Nothing lasts,
Nothing lingers,
Nothing ends.
A strange yet strong truth.
And do you know what I will find beyond that scorching path?
And do you know what I will find beyond that dark forest?
And do you know what I will find beyond that quiet solitude?
A gate with briar roses,
A garden with tea roses.
A table with roses and a tea.
And laughter,
And coolness,
And gentleness.
Peace,
at last.
Relief,
At last.
Hope,
At last.
A few more steps,
A few more toils,
A few more days,
And I will know…
And I will grow…
And I will soar…
Until then,
I keep my peace,
I keep my hope,
I keep my garden…
Full of daisies,
Full of cherries
Full of fairies…
And so many roses…
Petals as soft as my thoughts.
Scent as sweet as my hopes.
Gleaming as steadily as my faith.
Warm and bitter coffee
Cheerful and nostalgic songbird
Quiet and energetic mornings,
I just go on.
I just keep on.
I just live on.
I simply am.
I simply exist.
I simply fill this space.
Not for you,
Not for the world,
Not even for me.
For the One.
I pick up the book where I left it.
I pick up the song where I left it.
I pick up the pen where I left it.
From where I left it all when you came along.
Is my story still the same?
Is my voice still the same?
Is my poem still the same?
Nothing ever remains.
Even ice must melt and reveal relics of the past.
Even sand must shift and reveal ruins of the past.
Even earth must crumble and reveal threads of the past.
Nothing can remain.
All grows
All withers
And all returns…
In another form.
What of that song I once heard in your silence?
Can I find it buried under that tree?
Can I find it buried in my roots?
Can I find it buried in my poems?
Must I leave it to grow again?
Must I uproot it before it grows again?
Must I leave it to blow, again?
They say weeds who survive the winter have stronger roots.
Difficult to uproot.
Difficult to unearth.
Difficult to dig out.
But what must be done,
Must be done.
Or else…
Think of the blistering cold,
of that winter.
Think of the howling anguish,
of that winter.
Think of the betraying ice,
of that winter,
What must be done,
Must be done.
Tear out the ivy,
Pull out the weeds,
Scatter away crumbling leaves,
So that the rose can bloom again.
And without a bang
And without a spark
And without a shout
starts spring…
Soft hazelnuts droopy flowers
Quiet new sprigs sprouting
Shy yet glad blackbird songs…
Spring,
Is that you?
Winter laid me bare
Winter tore me down
Winter bore me down
The harsh wind tearing down my leaves and tears.
The indifferent icy sky freezing my twigs and hopes
The hard ground ensuring my roots and dreams.
And it’s still so cold.
Yet my heart soars,
as the birds sing.
Yet my heart leaps,
as the leaves spurt,
Yet my heart sings,
as the primroses smile.
Patience,
patience my dear.
After winter
Spring must come.
After nightfall,
Dawn must come.
After death,
Life must come.
Oh the storm shook my nest.
Oh the storm broken my wings.
Oh the storm stole my voice,
Yet, I am still here.
Searching for feathers on the hard ground
Looking for stars in the tumultuous night sky
Seeking for words and meaning in the wind.
Here is the lesson…
In the trees growing new limbs,
In the roses growing new thorns,
In the birds learning new tweets.
My voice will rise again
My wings will grown again
My flight will start again
And I will soar on those memories.
To find a higher clime
To find a higher note
To find a higher perch…
Somewhere safe.
In Your Light.
In Your Safety.
In Your Presence.
Thank you spring,
for returning.
Thank you seasons,
for revolving.
Thank you Creator,
for creating us.
And reminding me that,
My broken wings will mend.
My broken wings will grow feathers.
My broken wings will spread again.
And I am already flying
And I am already reaching
And I am already soaring
Back to You.
As resilient as a winter rose,
As fragrant as a winter rose,
As vibrant as a winter rose,
I keep on growing.
My thorns are soft,
My stem is pliable
My petals are glowing.
Glowing as I keep on growing.
The cold winds slap me,
The hard blue sky freezes me,
The hard frosted ground holds me.
But my petals are like sails,
But my fragrance is like a song,
But my leaves are like wings.
And I fly away
Back to my roots,
Towards my future.
Soaring in the present moment.
This is me,
This was me,
This shall be me.
But the rain trickles,
But the snow seeps,
But the wind rages,
Stealing my pink glow,
Stealing my secret scent
Stealing my soft petals.
Scattering them away…
Winter has its right.
Dusk has its right..
Silence has its right.
Let it be,
Let it go,
Let it flow.
Patient,
Resilient,
Radiant,
Fearless.
Let winter cover me with snow.
Let winter cover me with absence.
Let the winter cover me with neglect.
Spring shall come back.
A bright gauzy dawn,
A gentle birdsong,
A softer breeze…
A wordless hope.
She was a huntress
She was a hungry soul
She was a lovelorn heart
As she followed that falling star
She forgot
She lost
She left behind
Gently crafted stories
Softly weaved realms
Lovingly warmed brews.
Phials full of delight
Tapisseries full of light
Words full of might.
She went on,
The moon waned and waxed.
The leaves grew and fell.
The snow frosted and melted.
She went on,
Her heart rose
Her heart burst
Her heart scattered.
She went on.. Until.
Her limbs became stone.
Her voice became a croak.
Her heart became an acorn.
The fallen stars had scattered away in a placid lake.
And she was silent.
And she was alone.
And she was defeated.
Patience.
Silence.
Fortitude.
Where should she go now?
How could she go on now?
Why should she go on now
Couldn’t move.
Couldn’t stay.
Couldn’t leave.
Roots shot from her toes.
Bark crept over her heart.
Twigs sprang from her hair.
The chase was just an illusion.
Now was starting the true transformation.
Is it painful to lose your feathers?
Is it painful to grow new wings?
Is it painful to breathe again?
Pain is the fuel of life…
How much pain in a life giving supernova.
How much pain in a life giving tempest.
How much pain in a life giving magma.
It may look like destruction
The bursting star.
The torrential rain.
The boiling fusion.
It is a destruction of
Illusions
Confusion
Passion.
And a lull…
Scattered debris orbiting into one
Water reaching deeply entwined roots.
Ashes covering the bountiful soil.
Hope will be found again…
In silent tears.
In quiet pain.
In gentle patience.
Somewhere.
Some day.
Someone.
Softly.
The huntress
The hungry soul.
The lovelorn heart,
Was a maiden again.
Barefoot
Bareheaded
Baresouled.
Here I am…
For another dance.
For another hope.
For another life.
Let it be
Let me be
Let me be free.
Layla Ali Sultan 