Some say,
Time is a straight line
Heading for a crash.
Time is a swirl,
Heading for a spin.
Time is a spiral,
Heading for the centre.
Some faces return
Some stories return
Some heartaches return
On and on
Until I know
Until I see
Until I am free.
How many times have I met you?
Never the same age.
Never the same lineage.
Never the same line,
Yet the exact same eyes
Yet the exact same weakness
Yet the exact same boy.
Beyond the man I encounter
The little boy finds me in my dreams
The wizened stranger finds me in my dreams.
The mighty teacher finds me in my dreams.
My stalwart heart,
My brave heart,
My gentle heart,
Loves beyond bounds.
Love beyond words.
Loves beyond reason.
Yet love is never enough
For the unloved child
For the untaught child
For the undone child
Until he loves his own self.
I always mistake you for a lover
I always mistake you for a healer
I always mistake you for a keeper
When you are only here for healing.
I am not yours.
You are not mine.
But in this moment
But in this life
But in this blink
You found me.
I found you.
For a reason that I cannot know.
For a reason that you cannot know.
Only God knows.
Always the same lost boy
Always the same lovelorn boy
Always the same languishing boy
Save me
Love me
Hold me.
But I am not your mother.
But you are not my son.
I mistook you for the love of my life.
I mistook you for the love of my eternity.
I mistook you for the love of my dreams.
And gave you the keys,
To my heart,
To my tower,
To my soul.
And you broke
And you tore
And you core
Like only a child can.
Give me
See me.
Take me.
And I shall never give you anything in return
But tears
But pain
But scars.
I know the song that plays in your heart.
I was hurt
Hurt them
I was forgotten
Forget them
I was neglected
Neglect them
And watch the pain in their eyes.
Child,
Boy,
You,
Do you know what I can teach you?
For every hurt,
here’s a rose.
For every tears,
here’s a prayer.
For every scar,
here’s a light.
The circle can be broken
The cycle can be broken
The chain can be broken
Into petals
Into tinsel
Into gems.
Go.
You are forgiven.
No ifs,
No buts,
No in spites.
You are forgiven.
Too heavy,
Too heady,
Too fiery,
You are forgiven.
Until the pain flares up again.
Until the memories rise up again.
Until the sadness choke me up again.
But I will see the sad child again
But I will see the lost boy again
But I will see the broken infant again
And forgive you once more.
To you,
your path.
To me,
my path.
For us,
our drifting paths.
Infatuation
Infiltration
Intrusion
Deceived me.
I lost my footing,
I lost my wings,
I lost my way…
Or so I thought.
How does one see in pitch dark?
How does one feel in searing pain?
How does one know in deep silence?
Unable to move.
Unable to walk.
Unable to fly
I waited.
In spite of the dark
In spite of the pain
In spite of the silence
I knew You hadn’t left me.
As I regain my sight,
As I regain my senses,
As I regain my hearing…
I first saw those familiar faces.
I first saw those familiar feathers.
I first saw those familiar flames.
I first felt my soft skin shiver.
I first felt the soft leaves shiver.
I first felt those soft petals shiver.
I first heard my heart beat.
I first heard my birds sing.
I first heard them call my name.
Who were they?
Those who knew me.
Those who seek me.
Those who loved me…
And never left.
Like a cat jumping on my lap,
Like a mother looking for my smile.
Like a friend asking me to hear my voice.
And as they drew me close,
I drew closer to You.
This is what love is…
Not blinding passion
Not destructive desire.
Not desperate need.
Love is warm, like waves.
Love is constant, like sunrises.
Love is gentle, like feathers.
It’s Your embrace.
It’s Your solace.
It’s Your light.
And I never lost it…
I had just fallen in that well.
Like Prophet Joseph.
I had just fallen into that fish,
Like Prophet Jonas.
I had just fallen in that grief,
Like Prophet Job.
But I am just a girl
But I am just a sparrow.
But I am just a violet.
Weak.
Insignificant
Forgotten.
You are the roots that keep me upright.
You are the sap that keeps me thriving.
You are the sunshine that keeps me living.
You are all that keeps me sane.
You are all that keeps me breathing.
You are all that keeps me flying.
When I have lost my feathers,
When I have lost my élan,
When I have lost my way.
You beckon me home to You.
With the love of Your creatures,
With the beauty of Your creation,
With the rhythm of Your words.
And I know now…
I had to descend into the abyss,
to find pearls and corals.
I had to climb to the torrent,
to find gems and minerals.
I had to swim in bitter waters,
to find wings and truth.
A storm to give me,
the right wind
A well to give me,
the right insight
A dark night to give me,
the right cover.
To spread my wings,
To open my heart,
To free my soul….
And turn to You.
And perhaps,
Grow closer
Dig deeper
Rise truer
On that path that leads home to You.
So many words,
So many dreams,
So many thoughts,
Utterly wasted.
Leaving me breathless
Leaving me lifeless
Leaving me wordless.
Leaving me.
I scratch my way out
I stumble my way out
I crawl my way out.
Out,
Out,
Out… where?
It’s barely May
The blue sky stretches infinitely
The mountains are bare and green
The path is dry and scalding….
Too much sun
Too much heat
Too much….
And yet,
Here are the acacias and the elders
Their sweet scent
Their white flags
Their gentle dance
And beyond them,
The winding path
The lush scrub
The cool woods.
Teeming with life,
Chittering with hope.
Moist with tears….
Tears of hope.
Tears of tiredness.
Tears of relief.
That part is over,
Isn’t it?
Thank God!
That new part is starting,
Isn’t it?
Thank God!
Nothing lasts,
Nothing lingers,
Nothing ends.
A strange yet strong truth.
And do you know what I will find beyond that scorching path?
And do you know what I will find beyond that dark forest?
And do you know what I will find beyond that quiet solitude?
A gate with briar roses,
A garden with tea roses.
A table with roses and a tea.
And laughter,
And coolness,
And gentleness.
Peace,
at last.
Relief,
At last.
Hope,
At last.
A few more steps,
A few more toils,
A few more days,
And I will know…
And I will grow…
And I will soar…
Until then,
I keep my peace,
I keep my hope,
I keep my garden…
Full of daisies,
Full of cherries
Full of fairies…
And so many roses…
Petals as soft as my thoughts.
Scent as sweet as my hopes.
Gleaming as steadily as my faith.
You were attracted to the light
You were attracted to the attention
You were attracted to the love
I gave freely.
You were thirsty
for tenderness.
You were starving,
for warmth.
You were dying,
for compassion.
One drop wasn’t enough.
One well wasn’t enough,
One ocean wasn’t enough.
A wild tumultuous ocean
A gentle caressing ocean,
A fragile pure ocean.
But you took,
And you took,
And took.
Until the ocean was dry…
Seaweeds becoming fossils,
Waves becoming sandstorms,
A glistering mirror turning into dust
From the pearls you tore out of the shells,
From the nutrients you suck out of the fish,
From the songs you stole from the waves,
You found a new hunting ground.
Leaving that ocean
Dry,
Broken,
Forgotten.
Sorry,
Sorry,
Sorry…
Oh but that tide wasn’t my fault,
You misread the moon.
Oh but that tsunami, wasn’t my fault,
You mistook a shiver for a tremor.
Oh but those dry shores weren’t my fault,
You did it on your own.
Yes,
I gave too much.
Yes,
I gave from my abysses.
Yes,
I gave without asking for anything.
As you went hunting on higher grounds.
Tears turned into trickles.
Trickles into rivulets,
Rivulets into rivers…
Drop after drop,
Night after night,
Prayer after prayer,
My tides grew again.
There’s a secret you didn’t understand…
That light you craved,
Wasn’t my own.
That warmth you craved,
Wasn’t my own.
That love you craved,
Wasn’t my own.
It was but a reflection,
It was but a gift,
It was but a keepsake
From the One
Who fills my abysses
Who fills my heart,
Who fills my being,
Who makes my waves sparkle,
Who makes my expanse glow,
Who makes my depths deep.
He who gives life,
He who gives light,
He who gives nights
And that abundance
And that sustenance,
And that patience,
You still crave.
Tell me,
Lost forgotten mariner;
Tel me,
Lost little boy;
Tell me,
Lost empty seashell;
Don’t you know about your own ocean?
Close your eyes,
And listen.
Close your eyes,
And breathe.
Close your eyes,
And wait.
It is all in you…
What you long for,
What you die for,
What you hunt for,
It is in you.
You do not need to
charm it out
hunt it down
steal it away.
It is in you.
Find your key
Find your heart
Find your peace.
You just need to ask Him.
Honestly
Earnestly
Authentically.
No need to beg,
humans.
No need to steal,
from us.
No need to lie,
to others.
Turn to Him.
And from stillness
And from darkness,
And from littleness,
Springs life again.
To dance again,
To sing again,
To live again
And believe again…
In those silly dreams
In those gentles hopes
In those hushed poems.
But how harsh are those last winter nights
But how cold are those last winter nights
But how hopeless are those last winter nights
Like a feather caught in a thorn
Like a feather caught in ice
Like a feather caught in a web
I flutter gently…
White innocence
Soft perseverance
Light independence.
Belonging to none
but the One who created me.
Beholding to none
but the One who provided for me.
Bespoken to none
but to the One who loves me.
The blazing sun
The sparkling rain
The dutiful winds,
Will untangle me from this woe.
And I will float through the lands,
And I will wing through the tides,
And I will spring through this darkness.
Unabashed
Unattached
Unattainable.
Belonging to my own skin.
Belonging to my own heart.
Belonging to my own soul.
Violets growing in my palms
Roses growing in my breath
Primroses growing in my path.
How fragrant is that deep rich earth when it rains!
Let it rain,
Let it bleed,
Let it break…
Like a miracle on dry land
Like a shoot from a grain
Like a lifeless tired twig.
So that a new life can begin.
And without a bang
And without a spark
And without a shout
starts spring…
Soft hazelnuts droopy flowers
Quiet new sprigs sprouting
Shy yet glad blackbird songs…
Spring,
Is that you?
Winter laid me bare
Winter tore me down
Winter bore me down
The harsh wind tearing down my leaves and tears.
The indifferent icy sky freezing my twigs and hopes
The hard ground ensuring my roots and dreams.
And it’s still so cold.
Yet my heart soars,
as the birds sing.
Yet my heart leaps,
as the leaves spurt,
Yet my heart sings,
as the primroses smile.
Patience,
patience my dear.
After winter
Spring must come.
After nightfall,
Dawn must come.
After death,
Life must come.
Oh the storm shook my nest.
Oh the storm broken my wings.
Oh the storm stole my voice,
Yet, I am still here.
Searching for feathers on the hard ground
Looking for stars in the tumultuous night sky
Seeking for words and meaning in the wind.
Here is the lesson…
In the trees growing new limbs,
In the roses growing new thorns,
In the birds learning new tweets.
My voice will rise again
My wings will grown again
My flight will start again
And I will soar on those memories.
To find a higher clime
To find a higher note
To find a higher perch…
Somewhere safe.
In Your Light.
In Your Safety.
In Your Presence.
Thank you spring,
for returning.
Thank you seasons,
for revolving.
Thank you Creator,
for creating us.
And reminding me that,
My broken wings will mend.
My broken wings will grow feathers.
My broken wings will spread again.
And I am already flying
And I am already reaching
And I am already soaring
Back to You.
Every day,
a bird would gently chirp.
Every day,
the vine would quietly grow.
Every day,
feathers would garner my path.
It wasn’t much,
But it was enough.
Enough to make me smile
Enough to make me sing
Enough to make me hope.
A hope full of feathers,
A hope full of greenery,
A hope full of songs…
And nights full of prayers.
And nights full of dreams.
And nights full of longings.
It was enough,
But it wasn’t much.
On a twig,
I built a castle.
On a feather,
I built a ship.
On a song,
I built a whole life.
Words were enough,
To make me believe.
To make me trust.
To make me his.
And yet, those words were
like a hollow bark,
like a fallen branch,
like a sunken root.
Untrue,
Unholy,
Unreliable.
And I fell deep into the hole
Like a lost feather
Like a crushed leaf,
Like a forgotten acorn.
That pain in my chest,
That sinking pain within,
That crushing pain pouring forth,
All bursting my shell…
And thus I was left,
And thus I was forgotten,
And thus I was planted.
There are darker months ahead,
There are frozen months ahead,
There are silent months ahead,
But they are necessary.
For the acorn to burst
For the seed to reach,
For the seedling to stretch,
To find a new spring.
Let it be,
Let it go,
Let it flow…
I am but a seed
I am but a hope,
I am but a wish
And You are my sun,
And You are my creator,
And You are my protector,
You will keep me safe.
You will keep me growing.
You will keep me glowing.
Safely under Your care.
It takes more than bitter frost,
To uproot an oak tree.
It takes more than cruel winds,
To pull down a briar rose.
It takes more than acidic rain,
To poison a daisy.
But it doesn’t take much,
To brush off a ghost,
To pull away a weed,
To burn off a bridge.
If you ever look over your shoulders,
You will see…
A star piercing through the night
A nightingale flying through the storm,
A tree reaching for the infinite beyond.
You will see
Something you can never be.
Something you can never have.
Something you can never keep.
Something,
So free,
So feral,
So fierce…
That it will burn off your eyes.
Eyes that lie
Eyes that hide
Eyes that stray.
Well the, by all means, stray…
Take that path to the pit.
Take that path to the ridge.
Take that path to the distance.
I will keep the gems
in the pebbles you gave me.
I will keep the truth,
in the lies you gave me.
I will keep the smile,
in the tears you gave me.
And I will rise higher,
Than the mountains you claimed to love
Than the stars you claimed to love,
To God that you claimed to love.
And shine brighter,
in His Love
in His Peace
In His Protection.
How far will you bear that heavy conscience you carry?
How far will you bear that heavy stone heart you carry?
How far will you bear that heavy lie that you carry?
I hope,
I pray,
I say,
You will find peace
You will find truth
You will find solace,
Within yourself.
And grow,
And glow,
And go…
To be a better man.
Too warm for autumn,
Too cold for spring,
I am like a lost tree leaf.
Is it time?
Or is it too late?
The golden season cannot be denied.
The golden moment cannot be denied.
The golden feelings cannot be denied,
A robin told me.
I heard him
I felt him
I beckoned him,
As if as I was trying to see the first signs.
Of a decaying season
Of a bursting season
Of a mournful season,
I heard a soft sigh.
Oh I recognized you
Oh I beheld you
Oh I found you,
My old friends.
You were shy in spring.
You were hidden in summer,
You have returned in autumn.
To keep my winter days colorful.
The first time you came,
I heard your words.
The next time you came,
I saw your gleaming heart.
This time you came,
I saw your earnest gaze.
The teacher told me
Let yourself be seen.
Let yourself be felt.
Let yourself be heard.
And they will come to you.
The robin breathed a serenade,
The great tit bestowed a trill.
The squirrel threw a greeting.
And the garden was filled with leaves
And the forest was filled with colors
And nature was filled with life.
Oh the fragrance of the last autumn rose!
Softer than spring,
Deeper than summer,
And so delicate…
Thriving in last nights’ tempest.
Growing in last nights’ cold.
Sweetening last nights’ bitterness.
My sweet.
My miracle,
My hope.
Does this deep peace in my heart trickles from you?
Does this deep joy in my heart trickles from you?
Does this deep love in my heart trickles from you?
Are you finally at peace, my love?
Are we both wrapped,
Are we both protected,
Are we both inter-rooted
Together,
In our Creator’s peace.
In our Creator’s glow
In our Creator’s love?
Tell me,
without a word
without a click
without a quote.
Tell me,
with a glance,
with a smile,
with a grasp.
Tell me.
To the sparrow
In the morning,
I trust you.
To the violets
In the spring,
I trust you.
To the wandering knight,
In the night,
I trust you.
To my Lord,
In every heartbeat,
I trust you.
To love a flickering feather
To love a withering flower,
To love a wayfaring stranger,
Is to trust.
Trust,
that you will return.
that you will bloom.
that you will stay.
And how do I trust my Creator?
In trusting His Timing,
In trusting His Planning,
In trusting His creatures.
The windows are open,
Curtain billowing.
The doors are open,
Candles flickering.
The arms are open,
Heart fluttering.
Do I trust you?
Do I love you?
Do I believe you?
You,
who is gone but remain.
who is there but is here.
who is with me but with her.
But does she even exist?
Or, is she a creature of my fear?
Or, is she your open exit door?
Or, is she a passing stranger?
The wind roars and roars.
The house sighs and sighs.
The lone girl sings and sings.
The woods are empty now.
The night is empty now.
The road ahead is empty now.
The friends,
The lover,
The future
are swept away.
Like golden crunchy leaves,
Like barely ripped acorn,
Like forgotten soft feathers-
The path only remains.
Off and on,
I must go.
Up and down,
I must go.
High and low,
I must go.
But must I flee alone?
But must I sleep alone?
But must I weep alone?
Always alone.
Belonging to none.
Belonging to myself.
Belonging to my Lord.
My Lord,
My Cherisher,
My Creator,
Where must I go?
I never aimed to be a statue.
I never aimed to be an exemplar.
I never aimed to be a banner.
I just wished for arms to hold me.
I just wished for a home to behold.
I just wanted children to hold.
Hold and held.
To be held and to hold.
So very human.
So very natural.
So very simple.
And yet,
Forever out of reach.
For the girl lost on the path.
For the girl lost in the mist.
For the girl lost in the marshes.
Will he find her?
The knight who had to leave?
The king who had to grow?
The seeker who had to find?
Or will he go on…
To another dream.
To another chase.
To another marsh.
Does he know that what he fears
Follows him.
Holds him.
Shapes him.
And he cannot
Shake it.
Lose it.
Break it.
Without facing his dark night.
My love,
My knight,
My sparrow,
I trust you…
To embrace that pain.
To pierce that pain.
To overcome that pain.
And rise again…
And rise,
And fly,
And soar…
Until we meet again.
Layla Ali Sultan 