There’s something my mind knows
that my heart cannot understand.
There’s something my heart knows
that my mind cannot understand.
I look for words
I look for colours
I look for chords
To string together
Those petals
Those feathers
Those tears
And make a necklace
And make a crown
And make a wreath.
I cannot speak any more
I cannot write any more
I cannot sing any more
Without chocking
Without stumbling
Without crying…
Lover of words
Weaver of words
Breather of words
What do I do when words fail me?
I go on
I breathe on
I write on.
This is how I’ve always lived
Before that dark forest
Before that deep chasm
Before that bitter night.
And dawn still comes
And birds still sing.
And flowers still bloom.
There’s something my mind knows
that my heart cannot understand.
There’s something my heart knows
that my mind cannot understand.
So I stay awake
So I stay at war.
So I stay aware…
Of that deep pool of pain.
Of that deep drop of despair.
Of that deep trickling trail.
And I turn to my Creator.
The One that I loved,
before him.
The One that I still love,
after him.
Patience,
Patience,
Patience always.
Perhaps I am not made for Your creatures.
Perhaps I am not made for human beings.
Perhaps I am not made for human love.
Oh I can love,
Your creation.
Oh I can nurture,
Your creation.
Oh I can hold,
Your creation.
But my heart
But my soul
But my wings
Remain my own.
There’s something my mind knows
that my heart cannot understand.
There’s something my heart knows
that my mind cannot understand.
An illusion
A dream
A chimera
that faded as soon as I touched it.
It made me long for,
It made me believe,
It made me hope for,
A soul that understood mine,
A heart that felt mine,
A path that became mine.
Leaving me seeking
Leaving me thirsting
Leaving me burning
For something that never existed.
Why did you trouble my peace?
Why did you break my solitude?
Why did you steal my song?
To scatter me away before my roses could bloom?
Reminding me once more,
That I do not belong here.
That I do not belong to them.
That I only belong to the One.
You were attracted to the light
You were attracted to the attention
You were attracted to the love
I gave freely.
You were thirsty
for tenderness.
You were starving,
for warmth.
You were dying,
for compassion.
One drop wasn’t enough.
One well wasn’t enough,
One ocean wasn’t enough.
A wild tumultuous ocean
A gentle caressing ocean,
A fragile pure ocean.
But you took,
And you took,
And took.
Until the ocean was dry…
Seaweeds becoming fossils,
Waves becoming sandstorms,
A glistering mirror turning into dust
From the pearls you tore out of the shells,
From the nutrients you suck out of the fish,
From the songs you stole from the waves,
You found a new hunting ground.
Leaving that ocean
Dry,
Broken,
Forgotten.
Sorry,
Sorry,
Sorry…
Oh but that tide wasn’t my fault,
You misread the moon.
Oh but that tsunami, wasn’t my fault,
You mistook a shiver for a tremor.
Oh but those dry shores weren’t my fault,
You did it on your own.
Yes,
I gave too much.
Yes,
I gave from my abysses.
Yes,
I gave without asking for anything.
As you went hunting on higher grounds.
Tears turned into trickles.
Trickles into rivulets,
Rivulets into rivers…
Drop after drop,
Night after night,
Prayer after prayer,
My tides grew again.
There’s a secret you didn’t understand…
That light you craved,
Wasn’t my own.
That warmth you craved,
Wasn’t my own.
That love you craved,
Wasn’t my own.
It was but a reflection,
It was but a gift,
It was but a keepsake
From the One
Who fills my abysses
Who fills my heart,
Who fills my being,
Who makes my waves sparkle,
Who makes my expanse glow,
Who makes my depths deep.
He who gives life,
He who gives light,
He who gives nights
And that abundance
And that sustenance,
And that patience,
You still crave.
Tell me,
Lost forgotten mariner;
Tel me,
Lost little boy;
Tell me,
Lost empty seashell;
Don’t you know about your own ocean?
Close your eyes,
And listen.
Close your eyes,
And breathe.
Close your eyes,
And wait.
It is all in you…
What you long for,
What you die for,
What you hunt for,
It is in you.
You do not need to
charm it out
hunt it down
steal it away.
It is in you.
Find your key
Find your heart
Find your peace.
You just need to ask Him.
Honestly
Earnestly
Authentically.
No need to beg,
humans.
No need to steal,
from us.
No need to lie,
to others.
Turn to Him.
There’s a world beyond carefully crafted words
There’s life beyond polished pretty pictures
There’s truth beyond hollow soft quotes
Wild woods teeming with life,
Lively gardens exhaling perfume.
Colorful boughs shivering with songs.
My garden has many
Seasons
Sounds
Moods.
Flowers come and go
Leaves grow and whither
Birds flit and fly.
Some leave
Some return
Some stay.
And there’s my friend…
With a bleeding heart
With a glowing heart
With a blushing heart.
He whispers
He sings
He tweets
According to the time of the day.
Perhaps he was born in that hedge.
Perhaps he was born in those woods.
Perhaps he was born in that horizon.
But he always returns.
Waxes and wanes.
according to the weather.
Sings and hums,
according to the time.
Lingers and hides,
according to his secret.
In the winter, he brings a colorful banner to the soft white snow.
In autumn he melts with the amber sunsets and golden leaves.
In spring he digs the rich fragrant soil and sings for all to hear.
He comes and go as he please.
For the lady of the woods,
He has a name
He has a language
He has a message.
Who can see?
Who can understand?
Who can decipher?
Ah! To understand the language of birds…
Like Saint Francis
Like Prophet David,
Like Prophet Solomon.
But my friend is not a
Flamboyant tardy hoopoe
Mythical hidden bird
Meek needy sparrow,
For, the hoopoe has many duties.
For, the simurgh has many legends,
For, the sparrow has many companions…
My robin has one flightpath
My robin has one song,
My robin has one lover…
And for many months,
And for many days,
And for many seasons,
He must wait.
He must sing.
He must retreat.
A bird to many,
He is my friend,
He is my charge,
He is my teacher.
He flew in my house,
And taught me letting go.
He disappears from my garden
And teaches me patience.
He will sing cheerful from my tree
And teach me joy.
As I dig and sow,
He whispers to me.
Like a child,
Like a distant poet,
Like a forgotten dream.
As I uproot and cut,
He beckons me,
Like a loyal friend,
Like a far off seer,
Like a passing thought.
As I gather and disseminate,
He cantillates at me,
Like a patient teacher
Like a wander hermit,
Like an evergreen hope.
Will he return?
God’s will.
Will he explain?
God’s will.
Will he stay?
God’s will.
What must be uprooted?
What must be planted?
What must be protected?
Who will tell me…
As I do not understand,
The language of birds.
The turn of the tide,
The pattern of the future.
All I know is what I am taught,
Gentle patience,
Soft resilience,
Joyful contentment.
Dear robin,
Let us sing together.
Let us wait together.
Let us hope together.
And pray.
She was a huntress
She was a hungry soul
She was a lovelorn heart
As she followed that falling star
She forgot
She lost
She left behind
Gently crafted stories
Softly weaved realms
Lovingly warmed brews.
Phials full of delight
Tapisseries full of light
Words full of might.
She went on,
The moon waned and waxed.
The leaves grew and fell.
The snow frosted and melted.
She went on,
Her heart rose
Her heart burst
Her heart scattered.
She went on.. Until.
Her limbs became stone.
Her voice became a croak.
Her heart became an acorn.
The fallen stars had scattered away in a placid lake.
And she was silent.
And she was alone.
And she was defeated.
Patience.
Silence.
Fortitude.
Where should she go now?
How could she go on now?
Why should she go on now
Couldn’t move.
Couldn’t stay.
Couldn’t leave.
Roots shot from her toes.
Bark crept over her heart.
Twigs sprang from her hair.
The chase was just an illusion.
Now was starting the true transformation.
Is it painful to lose your feathers?
Is it painful to grow new wings?
Is it painful to breathe again?
Pain is the fuel of life…
How much pain in a life giving supernova.
How much pain in a life giving tempest.
How much pain in a life giving magma.
It may look like destruction
The bursting star.
The torrential rain.
The boiling fusion.
It is a destruction of
Illusions
Confusion
Passion.
And a lull…
Scattered debris orbiting into one
Water reaching deeply entwined roots.
Ashes covering the bountiful soil.
Hope will be found again…
In silent tears.
In quiet pain.
In gentle patience.
Somewhere.
Some day.
Someone.
Softly.
The huntress
The hungry soul.
The lovelorn heart,
Was a maiden again.
Barefoot
Bareheaded
Baresouled.
Here I am…
For another dance.
For another hope.
For another life.
Let it be
Let me be
Let me be free.
It takes more than bitter frost,
To uproot an oak tree.
It takes more than cruel winds,
To pull down a briar rose.
It takes more than acidic rain,
To poison a daisy.
But it doesn’t take much,
To brush off a ghost,
To pull away a weed,
To burn off a bridge.
If you ever look over your shoulders,
You will see…
A star piercing through the night
A nightingale flying through the storm,
A tree reaching for the infinite beyond.
You will see
Something you can never be.
Something you can never have.
Something you can never keep.
Something,
So free,
So feral,
So fierce…
That it will burn off your eyes.
Eyes that lie
Eyes that hide
Eyes that stray.
Well the, by all means, stray…
Take that path to the pit.
Take that path to the ridge.
Take that path to the distance.
I will keep the gems
in the pebbles you gave me.
I will keep the truth,
in the lies you gave me.
I will keep the smile,
in the tears you gave me.
And I will rise higher,
Than the mountains you claimed to love
Than the stars you claimed to love,
To God that you claimed to love.
And shine brighter,
in His Love
in His Peace
In His Protection.
How far will you bear that heavy conscience you carry?
How far will you bear that heavy stone heart you carry?
How far will you bear that heavy lie that you carry?
I hope,
I pray,
I say,
You will find peace
You will find truth
You will find solace,
Within yourself.
And grow,
And glow,
And go…
To be a better man.
And now it’s quiet again…
No more frenzied phone calls,
No more shivering text messages.
No more flickering hazy images.
It’s just me…
And my birds,
And my words,
And my songs.
They come in a hushed huff.
The robin,
The great tits,
The fuzzy sparrows.
And they ask about him.
He took my words,
He took my prayers,
He took my dreams,
And gave them to another one.
Leaving me under a rustling tree,
Leaving me over the cold ground.
Leaving me between the shivering trees.
And my birds answer me,
Don’t be sad,
You will find better.
Don’t be sad,
He did love you.
Don’t be sad,
You were too wild.
To be held captive.
To be domesticated.
To be understood.
Like a crashing wave,
Like a sputtering chasm,
Like a far reaching tree.
You are free now.
I just hear their soft chirps
I just hear their gentle wings
I just hear their brave songs.
And my heart is at peace.
Until the pain returns,
Until the wind returns,
Until the yearning returns,
And the,
Why
Why
Why
And the,
How
How
How
And the,
Now what
Now what
Now what….
What of those sweet dreams?
What of those earnest prayers?
What of those beautiful words?
All falling,
Like the leaves.
All dripping,
Like the rain.
All scattering,
Like the roses.
Let the mist rise
and hide me.
Let the shadows rise,
and hide me.
Let the night rise,
and hide me.
Until I am once more whole.
There was a child
There was a boy
There was a ghost
Who spoke of love
Who spoke of truth
Who spoke of forgiveness
Without knowing it.
Without meaning it.
Without knowing the meaning.
He clung to her,
The wild healer.
He clung to her,
The delicate fairy.
He clung to her,
The sweet girl.
And took,
And took,
And took,
Took all he could steal.
And she gave
And she gave
And she gave
Gave all that she could give.
Until he showed her his heart.
A pit
A ravine
An abyss.
Where he carelessly scattered
All her delicate gifts
All her soft pleas
All her earnest prayers;
As if it were dung.
A man who was blind.
A man who was maimed.
A man who was dead.
And couldn’t understand the treasure bestowed on him.
They killed his heart,
when he was a child.
They tore his soul,
when he was a babe.
They stole his feelings,
when he was hurt.
A man that loves like a child.
A man that hurts like a child.
A man that thinks like a child.
Give me,
Give me,
Give me more.
But never ask me for anything.
But pretty words,
But pretty pictures,
But pretty lies,
To fill up my empty life.
To fill up my social media.
To fill up my addiction.
Always on the lookout
For another delicate face,
For another sad girl
For another loving mother,
To escape my loneliness.
Oh beautiful longing
Oh beautiful prayer
Oh beautiful heart
Let me break you in tiny pieces.
A child trapped in a man
A ghost trapped in flesh.
A man trapped in a boy.
Such beautiful words, you told me.
Such pretty lies, you told me.
Such gentle prayers, you told me.
To steal my gentlest warmth.
To steal my innermost treasure.
To steal my softest secret.
To grind them into dust.
And watch my tears,
And watch my grief,
And watch my pain.
Tears always make you smile.
Tears always make you high.
Tears always make you love.
And you loved my tears…
But no more.
The she-wolf is baring her teeth.
The witch is carving her holy ground.
The queen is unsheathing her sword.
A volcano erupting
A wolf howling
A harpie shrieking.
Righteous anger.
How much more would you like from this
Innocent
Trusting
Loving
Girl?
Who else will you prey with your pretty lies?
Lies,
Lying lies,
He lies and lies.
And swears he is honest.
Beware, beware
of breaking an innocent heart.
Beware, beware,
of stealing a trusting heart.
Beware, beware,
of hurting a loving soul.
For they are in the protection of the Creator.
The tired healer smiles….
The one who lies to himself,
speaks the truth to others.
The one who lies to others,
speaks the truth to himself.
Never knowing the difference between truth and lies.
Is it a lie if you believe it?
Is it a lie if you told it to yourself?
Is it a lie if you swear it’s true?
And that was all the Truth she needed.
Let him remain trapped in his lies.
Let him remain trapped in his pain.
Let him remain trapped in his dream.
And let the birds fly off,
The robin,
The great tit,
And the sparrows
Mighty warriors of the soul
Gentle messengers of the soul
Constant companion of the soul
are free.
And I shall fly away….
Never to return.
Too warm for autumn,
Too cold for spring,
I am like a lost tree leaf.
Is it time?
Or is it too late?
The golden season cannot be denied.
The golden moment cannot be denied.
The golden feelings cannot be denied,
A robin told me.
I heard him
I felt him
I beckoned him,
As if as I was trying to see the first signs.
Of a decaying season
Of a bursting season
Of a mournful season,
I heard a soft sigh.
Oh I recognized you
Oh I beheld you
Oh I found you,
My old friends.
You were shy in spring.
You were hidden in summer,
You have returned in autumn.
To keep my winter days colorful.
The first time you came,
I heard your words.
The next time you came,
I saw your gleaming heart.
This time you came,
I saw your earnest gaze.
The teacher told me
Let yourself be seen.
Let yourself be felt.
Let yourself be heard.
And they will come to you.
The robin breathed a serenade,
The great tit bestowed a trill.
The squirrel threw a greeting.
And the garden was filled with leaves
And the forest was filled with colors
And nature was filled with life.
Oh the fragrance of the last autumn rose!
Softer than spring,
Deeper than summer,
And so delicate…
Thriving in last nights’ tempest.
Growing in last nights’ cold.
Sweetening last nights’ bitterness.
My sweet.
My miracle,
My hope.
Does this deep peace in my heart trickles from you?
Does this deep joy in my heart trickles from you?
Does this deep love in my heart trickles from you?
Are you finally at peace, my love?
Are we both wrapped,
Are we both protected,
Are we both inter-rooted
Together,
In our Creator’s peace.
In our Creator’s glow
In our Creator’s love?
Tell me,
without a word
without a click
without a quote.
Tell me,
with a glance,
with a smile,
with a grasp.
Tell me.
To just be a feather
To just be a butterfly
To just be a word
for the one you love.
To just be a fading distraction
To just be a faltering flame
To just be a flickering dream
for the one you love.
To just be a vivid nightmare
To just be a growing terror.
To just be a salt on his wound
for the one you love
Leaves me speechless.
Leaves me wordless.
Leaves me hopeless.
Featherless.
Wingless.
Flightless.
Like a ghost.
My love was a torrential rain.
My love was a sweeping tornado.
My love was a crushing wave.
For that gentle boy.
For that wounded soul.
For that wingless sparrow.
Is there a tear in your eyes.
Is there a tear in your heart.
Is there a tear in your words.
How would I know?
I’ve gone with the birds.
I’ve gone with the wind.
I’ve gone with the moon.
Leaving your to your own heart.
Leaving you to your own silence.
Leaving you to your own words.
Be at peace.
Be at ease.
Be free.
But don’t forget,
Some Birds return in spring.
Some winds return at night.
The moon wane and waxes-
Nothing is truly over.
Unless you decided it is.
He had sailed through many seas.
He had striven through many storms
He had braved through many nights.
Stalwart
Steadfast
Unsurpassed.
A king of the sea,
A knight of the night,
A master of his ship,
To all but himself.
They fear him,
They honor him,
They follow him.
He just drifts…
The storm rages,
The waves crash,
The night fades.
His crew is slumbering.
His ship is flailing.
The night is starting.
From the mists,
a song rises.
From the darkness,
a glimmer rises.
From the sea,
a maiden rises.
Her song beckons him.
Her hand beckons him.
Her eyes beckons him.
Come, come
lost mariner.
Come, come
lost pirate.
Come, come,
lost commander.
And he forgets,
His mother’s harsh warning.
His father’s stern warning.
His past’s iron warning.
What does he have to lose?
And she whispers in the wind
Words like trinkets
Feelings like gems
Thoughts like gold
Eternal love
True freedom
Tender companionship.
Before you came,
These waves were enough to fill my days.
These oceans were enough to fill my heart.
This horizon was enough to fill my soul.
He smiles
He cries,
and his heart dies.
In the deep night,
she swims to the heart of the ocean.
In the dark night,
she swims to find him some pearls.
In the sweet night,
she swims with joy and hope.
Dawn’s pale hues.
Dawn’s gentle waves.
Dawn’s eternal gold.
He is gone.
He couldn’t say yes.
He couldn’t say no.
He could only go.
Mermaids do not become froth.
Mermaids do not become faint.
Mermaids do not become afraid.
Creature of the sea,
They have a tempest in their hearts.
Creatures of the ocean,
They have an abyss of strength.
Creatures of the horizon,
They have an endless courage.
And she followed him.
Like a lovelorn lover,
Like a damned damsel,
Like a serenading siren.
Were there ravished princesses,
Were there damsels in distress
Were there sensuous pirate-ladies,
In his dreams?
In his eyes?
In his ports?
She couldn’t see…
She could only sing,
She could only swim,
She could only see….
What her heart showed her.
He was just a wanderer.
He was just a sea thief
He was just a lonely man.
She was the legend,
She was the myth
She was the fire.
Burning,
Burning,
Burning the abysses.
She saw nobility,
She saw righteousness
She was bravery,
Where there was only confusion.
He went on sailing,
Port to port.
She went on swimming,
Night to night.
He never looked back.
She never caught up.
Layla Ali Sultan 