There’s no point in living in that palace full of roses and birds
There’s no point in living in that far off land between here and there.
There’s no point in living in dreams that keep on slipping through my fingers.
This is what I keep on writing.
Yet in the velvety rain,
Yet in the cottony mist,
Yet in the embroidered forest,
I lose my way.
Waves, waves.
Wind in my hair.
Wind, wind,
Waves at my feet.
Waves,
Layers,
Eons.
Does time still exist?
If I were contained
Within brick walls
Within ciment cities
Within uranium bars,
I could forget this dream.
My eyes on the prize,
My hands never idle.
My mind never my own.
Belonging
Mind & body,
Hands and feet,
Heart & soul,
To what can only be seen.
To what can only be held.
To what can only be contained.
But I am free.
One of those birds that can never stay,
But always comes back.
Dew on my skin,
Salt on my lips,
Glimmer in my eyes.
I can see beyond
Their walls
Their cages
Their bars.
Can’t you?
No you cannot.
You cannot see the palace of the birds.
You canot see the primordial promise.
You cannot see the birth of our love.
You were there,
But you are gone now.
Oh but I saw it…
Feathers,
Glimmer,
and softness
Your soul.
I noticed you.
I recognized you.
I beckoned you.
And you ran.
Leaving me to my
Palace of roses and birds
Cabin by the river and woods,
Dream of the past and the future.
I tend my fire.
I weave my life.
I light my night.
And you keep on running.
No I don’t think about you.
These afternoons feel like summer.
These nights feel like winter.
Scalding yet freezing.
No I don’t think about you.
I point to no one in particular : the mushrooms and their church hats.
I point to my own self : the primrose with their may queen dresses.
Spring in Autumn, Autumn in Spring.
Nothing is black or white.
Nothing is stone and water.
Nothing is dry and clear.
Lovers sitting by the road.
A man brushing the tendrils from his darling’s face.
A young woman brushing her fingers against his arm.
Lovers sitting side by side.
No I don’t think about you.
I look at his face and his gaze.
I look at her face and her smile.
I look into myself and wonder…
How does it all work?
How to love?
How to be loved?
How doest it all work?
I smile at them as I walk by,
I am not here.
Only they are here.
The power of love,
How soft!
How strong!
How blissful!
No, I don’t think about you.
I leave the lovers behind,
I leave the leavers behind.
I leave love behind.
And by the fields,
He comes straight for me.
He asks for me pleadingly.
He doesn’t let me leave.
Soft,
Fluffy,
Wet.
Black and white,
Tail raised high,
Face nestled against my boot.
I melt,
As he melts.
What is love?
An innocent flutter.
A gentle breeze.
And sunshine.
No I don’t think about you.
The cat is left behind.
The dogs chasing it away.
The dog is left behind.
Up ahead,
Down the street,
Far across
Lives a company of birds.
They know my name,
They know my step,
They know about the road I take.
The follow me,
Asking about love.
Asking about you.
Asking about my heart.
Soon they will leave.
Where to?
Through the desert and the sea.
Through the mountains and the forest.
Through the curtain of loss and forgetfulness.
Soon they will leave.
To find you.
No, I don’t think about you.
The blue blue sky is empty.
The dark dark earth is upturned.
The grey grey road is beckoning me.
Go, go on.
Come, come on.
Leave, leave on.
Soon I will leave.
Where to?
Through fields and woods,
Through valleys and gorges.
Through hills and dusty cities.
Soon I will leave.
To find myself.
No, I don’t think about you.
Why would I?
When lovers mock you.
When cats compete with you.
When birds can find you.
No, I don’t think about you.
You are in the falling leaves.
You are in the drooping roses.
You are in the forgotten moss.
You never leave.
You never return.
You never speak.
That man by the curb.
That face by the door.
That hand by my own.
No I don’t think about you.
But you keep on drifting back to
The streets I cross.
The cafés I haunt.
The life I never lived.
No I don’t think about you.
Autumn is yours.
The season of a first glance.
The season of a last glance.
But every season has its season.
Come and gone,
Like a dream.
Come and gone,
Like a celebration.
Come and gone,
Like a wisp of wind.
No I don’t think about you.
I may turn my head,
I may linger away,
I may crumble into dust.
When the sun rises through the curtain of trees,
When the sun dips behind the golden mountains,
When the sun glows from my own chest;
Glimmering gold dust caught in a beam,
I can feel You.
I can hear You.
I can heed You.
Like a warm embrace,
Like a soft wave,
Like an overwhelming elation.
No words can ever paint this.
No song can ever evoke this.
No painting can ever write this….
Look into my eyes,
Look into my words,
Look into my smile,
Do you see it now?
His Presence.
His Embrace.
His Mercy,
Faintly reflected in me.
Aren’t we all a little bit
Opalescent,
Reverberating,
Echoing
That primordial Light,
That primordial Love,
That primordial Presence,
Our Creator?
I see it in you, dear friend.
Thank you.
When the illusions melt into the moss.
When the silence melts into a birdsong.
When the deception melts into the sunlight.
I can rise again.
And dance,
Step after step.
And walk,
Step after step.
And run,
Step after step.
And long for flight,
Like a bee,
Like a bird,
Like a prayer.
The muddy path cool under my barefoot
The thorny brambles spiky against my open palms.
The thick droplets so wet in my tangled hair.
Trickling,
Trickling
And sticking.
The rain is a blessing, my dear.
The rain is an offering, my dear.
The rain is a sign, my dear.
A sign of hope.
A sign of renewal,
A sign of rebirth.
Can you feel it?
Convulsing,
Trembling,
Quivering.
Oh so fresh and new!
Ideas spurting out like delicate mushrooms.
Ideas blooming out like fiery chrysanthemum
Ideas spreading like golden amber leaves.
You, oh You my Keeper, are whispering in the breeze.
You, oh You my Home, are sheltering me in the woods.
You, oh You my Sustainer, are nurturing me with this fire.
With every sputter,
With every flutter,
With every flicker,
Warmth spreads to my skin.
Warmth spreads to my limbs.
Warmth spreads to my heart.
Scampering away the dark ebbs.
Chasing away the whirling empty pool.
Flushing away the ashen specks
That taints my vision.
That sinks my spirit.
That cracks my will.
Let them roar.
Let them moan.
Let them croak.
My spirit remains untouched.
Safe,
Warm,
Encompassed
in Your Light.
Dear Love,
I cal them love,
but You are My One True Love.
My Origin,
My Home,
My Destination.
The First,
The Ever-Present.
The Last
I do not wander in vain.
I do not seek in vain.
I do not linger in vain.
For my path takes me to,
Depths they cannot imagine,
Horizons they cannot comprehend,
Summits they cannot see.
Where even imagination isn’t enough.
Where even introspection isn’t enough.
Where even observation isn’t enough.
Could I ever tell them about it?
Or will they also fly away?
Freedom,
They philosophy and lament about it.
They scatter off clothes and ties for it.
They follow every whim and fancy for it.
Freedom?
I ask.
Freedom?
Are you truly ready for it?
Mere mortals,
Mere animals,
Mere cells,
We are.
And yet,
And yet…
We stand at the edge
Of the ever expanding and contracting universes.
Of the ever spreading and shrinking atoms.
Of the ever departing and returning breath.
Within our selves,
Within our chest,
Within our souls.
Yes, my friend, do close your eyes .
Yes, my sister, do open your mouth.
Yes, my son, do listen with your ears.
and find the secrets nestled in your breath.
and find the gems scattered in your breath.
and find the peace nurtured in your breath.
Open your eyes,
and remember it always.
The secret,
The key,
The answer,
That we will never be able to explain.
No voice,
No claps,
No words;
Only the breath.
My heart the betrayer,
How many years wasted
How many days that never happened.
How many nights that froze me to the bones.
Still clinging to him.
Still longing for him.
Still dreaming of him.
Isn’t the world wide enough?
So many different faces
So many different stories
So many different languages
So much that could have happened.
But it didn’t.
Because all you wanted was his arms.
Because all you wanted was his hands.
Because all you wanted was his heart.
But pray tell,
Do you remember his face?
Do you remember his voice?
Do you remember his scent?
Could you find him in a sea of people?
Could you find him in a field of souls?
Could you find him in the tumult of the end?
Oh listen to my heart,
Oh listen to my soul,
Oh listen to my pen,
What sighs full of wonder!
What dreams full of magic!
What stories full of insight!
How will I ever be able to reason with them?
Day after day I watch it trickle away.
Night after night, I beg it to stay.
Year after year, I feel the dust gathering.
The life I could have had.
Had I not glanced at you.
Had I not heard your voice.
Had I not glimpsed an endless wave in your eyes.
It was a breath.
It was a dream.
It was a word.
And my world was changed forever.
My heart singing the same song year after year,
My heart weaving the same fabric year after year.
My heart rehearsing the same play year after year.
Without even wearing the right makeup and costume,
Without even announcing a date for the opening,
Without any orchestra playing in the gallery.
Just the cadence of my treacherous heart.
Just the hum of my overflowing heart.
Just the sigh of my breaking heart.
So soft, so quiet,
So gentle, so slow.
So subtle, so close.
I wish it could be over,
But it never ends.
How long does it take for cosmic dust to become a new star?
How long does it take for a supernova to become a pulsar?
How long does it take for a galaxy to collapse in a black hole?
How long? How long?
For mitosis?
For replication?
For the virus to spread?
For the trees to die?
For the ashes to be crushed?
For the carbon to solidify?
For earth to drink the river?
For the heat to steal the droplets?
For the rain to cry into the river?
How long? How long?
For the never-ending story.
For the never-ending cycle.
For the never.ending movement.
On and on.
My dreams and glimpses of you wax,
My hope are harvested in the moonlight.
My wishful thinking wanes into a sickly trickle.
And yet,
With every pump.
With every thud.
With every breath,
My heart could remember you.
Feeble crushable thing.
Tender delicate muscle.
Small and moldable tissue.
Wouldn’t it flatter the feathers on your head?
Wouldn’t it thicken the mane around your face?
Wouldn’t it give more color to the foliage in which you hide?
It would be poetical.
If all my thoughts,
if all my breaths,
if all my existence
were for you.
It would have been foolish.
It would have been patthetic.
It would have been a real waste.
Look up, dear, look up.
The infinite display of jewels and gems : forever beyond your reach.
Look down, dear, look down.
The ever flowing oceans of secrets : forever beyond your reach.
Look in, dear, look in.
The winding way only a soul can find : forever beyond your reach.
I look up,
And see the creation of the Loving.
I look down,
And I see the bestowal of the Everlasting.
I look in,
And I find my way to the Most High.
And thus,
With every pump,
With every thud,
With every breath,
I remember Him.
The One who created me.
The One who holds me.
The One to whom I will return.
And I am free…
Of my heart’s frailty.
Of my heart’s naivety.
Of my heart’s foolishness.
And I am free.
Of your flicker.
Of your fright.
Of your flight.
And I am free
To love you,
The fallible man.
To love myself.
The imperfect woman.
To love my Creator,
The Giver of Life.
Free.
To find compassion for you,
and for my heart.
To find gentleness for you,
and for my heart.
To find forgiveness for you,
and for my heart.
Forever,
Basking in His Light.
Melting in His Mercy.
Loving in His Love.
No, dear heart, I haven’t wasted anything..
No dear heart, I haven’t lost anything.
No, dear heart, I haven’t missed anything.
It isn’t over.
It isn’t too late.
It isn’t all that there is.
With every pump,
With every thud,
With every breath,
Remember.
Remember Him.
Remember Him, and remain free.
For that next ridge,
For that next crest,
For that next summit. .
And life that keeps on going.
In spite of the heartache that tear you.
In spite of the ghosts who still linger.
In spite of the wind which can only blow.
Your heart grows.
Your heart glows.
Your heart beats… and beats… and beats.
And remembers.
[Forever,
Basking in His Light. Melting in His Mercy. Loving in His Love. ]
Careful word after word,
Painstaking sentence after sentence,
Flourishing page after page,
I try to make sense of what you were.
The leaves cover the pits of memory.
The wax trickles into the hollow hopes.
The ink always flows over the broken record.
The same old story.
The same old sentiment.
The same old questions :
Was it real?
Was it true?
Was it divin?
There’s a mansion over a cliff.
There’s a hall in the mansion.
There’s a box in that hall.
A music box that plays the same tune forever.
I never go there.
I hardly go there.
I seldom go there.
But I still linger in that wide white hall...
For you,
For me,
For us.
There I can collect mementos that only mean something to me.
Feathers, white as snow.
Songs, in foreign languages.
Rocks, from different valleys.
They all tell the same story.
There can never be enough words.
There can never be enough colors,
There can never be enough notes.
To describe what cannot be described.
I keep on telling you that.
You keep on driffiting.
I sing you into existence.
I hope you into flesh.
I write you into posterity.
You kept on telling me I didn’t know you.
I kept on swearing that I knew you since before time.
To express what cannot be expressed;
I dance each and every meeting we shared.
I paint every touch we didn’t share.
I carve every hope we could have shared.
If only,
If only,
If only.
Listen,
The song is playing again.
Listen,
It doesn’t mater if you don’t understand.
Listen,
Only your heart can catch the meaning.
Did you ever let your heart listen?
Did you ever let your soul listen?
Did you ever let your whole being listen?
Sometimes I wish I didn’t know about
Your frailty
Your insecurities
Your delicate ego.
You thought you escaped before I could see
Clearly
Lethally
Objectively
Through your glamor
Through your armor
Through your ardor.
You thought I’d run at the first glimpse
Of your bones
Of your gums.
Of your sinew.
I see the boy.
I see the young man.
And I see the man.
Where am I?
Where you left me.
Where your forgot me.
Where you escaped me.
Like a warrior queen,
I never feared facing you.
I never feared facing myself.
I never feared facing the truth.
Ugly and beautiful.
Bold and shy.
Heavy and light.
But you did,
Didn’t you?
Like the fisherman and the skeleton lady.
His flight made her cling.
His terror made her grow.
His vulnerability made her beautiful.
But you never looked back.
But you never turned back.
But you never came back.
To see what you gave birth to.
To see what you gave growth to.
To see what you gave beauty to.
You ran,
and you kept on running.
and you’re still running.
I started to grow,
and I kept on growing.
and I’m still growing.
Like the stuff of nightmares.
Like the stuff of legends.
Like the stuff of epic poems.
Roots that grow deeper,
Trunk that grows thicker,
Branches that grow higher.
While the wind keeps on blowing,
Leaves out of the way,
Apples on their way,
Blossoms on your way.
And now I see…
How small you were.
How frail you were.
How scared you were.
And even now, I forgive you.
And even now, I esteem you.
And even now, I love you.
But only your shadow feels my echoes.
But only the wind hears my praises.
But only the silence holds my love.
So be it!
Keep on running.
Keep on flying.
Keep on fading.
My love will remain.
Like the froth in the waves
Like the clouds in the sky.
Like the dust in deep space.
Erupting,
Melding,
Evolving.
On and on.
Until the sky is on fire.
Until the earth is la rug.
Until the mountains are dust.
And you cannot run anymore.
From your own face.
From your own fears.
From your own feelings.
And Light is everywhere.
And Love is everywhere.
And Truth is everywhere.
And we can only yield to it.
Softly, like gauze.
Gently, like silk.
Celestially, like a breath.
Soul to soul,
Eye to eye,
Lips to lips.
Entwined.
Under the gentle Light of Truth.
Come home,
The birds are holding their last conference.
Come back.
Come home,
The leaves are covering the green grass.
Come back.
Come home,
The squirrels are dashing to find nuts for the winter.
Come back.
The sky is growing darker and darker.
The nights are growing colder and colder.
The foliage is growing sparser and sparser.
I am gathering woods and dried leaves.
I am gathering thyme and rosemary
I am gathering scattered petals and the last daisies.
The hearth is glowing red and gold.
The hearth is blazing desperately.
The hearth is incensing the house.
Myrrhe
Rosemary
and Thyme.
Beaconing,
Beckoning,
Beguiling,
The wandering healer,
The crownless knight,
The forgotten king.
Forgotten by all.
Derided by all.
Condemned by all,
But me.
In the raucous clamor,
In the blinding storm,
In the tumbling wind,
Can he ever find his way back ?
To walls that can shelter him.
To a warmth that can revive him.
To a heart that can nurture him.
The way into the woods is treacherous.
Treacherous are the illusions drowning us.
Drowning, drowning until we rise again.
The forest at the heart of autumn is
Teaming with life,
Spurting with mystery,
Luring with delicate secrets.
The lace of a leaf banqueted by the invisible creatures.
The discarded feather tethered to the bark and the spiderweb.
The last bird sharing a farewell tale and a promise to return.
Listen,
Watch,
Understand.
But do not lose your way.
In the winter,
The woods are full of wolves.
In the winter,
The river is full of ice.
In the winter,
The earth is full of thick snow.
Come home,
Before it’s too cold.
Come home,
Before it’s too late.
Come home,
Before it’s too far.
But the world keeps on drifting away.
But the world keeps on fading into the past.
But the world keep on growing colder.
And it’s too late…
Yet, I will keep on feeding my fire.
Yet, I will keep on burning my encens.
Yet, I will keep on singing my prayers.
For your journey,
For your safekeeping,
For your return,
Into my welcoming arms.
Into my welcoming heart.
Into my welcoming hearth.
My love.
And the healing of all the hurts you carry.
It’s only when it’s very late.
Or very early.
Too early, too late.
In a time between time.
When I stretch words.
When I glide on a song.
When I close my eyes
And go back to that inner sanctuary.
Beyond the warm flickering firelight,
Beyond the wooden panels of this hut,
Beyond the resting abode of my soul,
There is a silhouette in the shadow.
There is a gaze in the glimmer.
There is a sigh in this stillness.
Why?
Why do you always remain?
I finally know what the old crone beares on her back.
I finally know what stories are buried with the maiden.
I finally know what hope carries the mother in her womb.
Who am I?
To you I am nothing.
To you I was the untouched maiden.
To you I way the barely sprung bud.
And you?
Oh you were
The rain and the sunshine.
The keyboard and the screen.
The night and the stars.
Everything.
And you still are…
When the night is so deep,
When the night is so silent,
When the night is so cold,
And I forget about
Causality.
Rationality.
Credibility.
And I believe in the
Unutterable.
Unbelievable.
Unspeakable.
Alone
Mute.
Frozen.
My head full of songs.
My eyes full of galaxies.
My heart full of stories.
Dearest,
if you only knew…
About all those words I only write for you.
About all those places I only harbor for you.
About all those gazes I only keep for you.
You.
Only you.
But the stars fade.
But the night alights.
But the birds stir up.
and I can longer feel you
Right behind the curtain.
Right after this bend.
Right behind me.
You are gone.
And the day starts with a trumpet of engines.
And the hours enfold with a chaos of voices.
And reality sets in with a slamming of a door.
Foolish, foolish girl.
Until the autumn sun dips behind the trees.
Until the golden leaves gently sway in the breeze.
Until the breeze quieten down into an exhalation.
And I can remember our last conversation.
Your words are boxes.
Your questions are bars.
Your attention is a border.
Enclosing me.
Entrapping me.
Chocking me.
In.
and out.
In.
and out…
And I can breathe again.
Did you follow the trail of petals leading into the woods?
Did you follow the feather as it fell from the branches?
Did you follow the brook cascading and shimmering away?
Your bare feet against the cold mud.
Your open palms against the silken foliage.
Your open lips against the curtain of rain?
Dewdrops gliding through,
Droplets dripping through,
Teardrops slipping through,
Your outstretched fingers.
Yours?
Mine?
Neither.
You’re trying too hard.
You’re not trying hard enough.
You are looking for warm golden marble that melts.
You are looking for a thick but easily opened door.
You are looking for something that only exists in your mind.
I see you walk past me.
You never noticed the softly whispering aspen tree.
You never noticed the fluttering and chirping robin.
You never noticed the sunbeam piercing into your eyes.
You never noticed me seeking something in you.
That wasn’t in you.
That wasn’t for you.
That was already in me.
Did you decipher the footsteps in the mud?
Did you translate the birdsong in the morn?
Did you notice the pattern of the stars?
You didn’t.
Thus the lush isle remain forever out of reach in the mists.
Thus the cabin with the glowing hearth remains deep in the woods.
Thus the enticing kisses remain forever beyond your reach in the clouds.
Huffing
Humming
Puffing;
If only.
Didn’t you read the legends about the never ending quest?
Didn’t you read the poems about the wandering knights?
Didn’t you hear the songs about the crownless kings?
They are but stories to you.
They are my bones.
My gums and jaws.
And all that blood.
You mutter.
You sputter.
You stutter.
What a waste.
I spread my wings,
I turn my face to the moon,
and I lung forward.
Never looking back.
I need peace,
this world is to loud.
Your boots crunch the leaves into dust.
Your harsh sighs scare the sparrows away.
Your reverberating platitude make the stars fade.
Tiptoes,
Whispers,
Truth.
This is what I seek.
How can I ever be yours?
When I belong to myself.
When I belong to God.
When I still belong to the wind….
That blows,
Carries me
Throws me away.
Like a discarded page.
Like a decaying leaf.
Like a soft feather.
Forever untamable.
Forever unavailable.
Forever unreachable.
Eternally alone.
Sweet little mirage,
I wish I could hold you.
I wish I could love you.
I wish I could hear you.
I know you think you want to love me.
All sweet
All strong.
All dewy.
You believe in this,
But I don’t.
Sweet little mirage.
I should shoo you away.
I should send you away.
I should push you away.
But I’m so cold.
But I’m so tired.
But I’m so lonely.
I just want to dance with you.
I just want to talk with you.
I just want to be held by you.
And melt in your embrace.
Until blood flows again in my veins.
Until oxygen course through my body again.
Until my cells are given a new life once more.
And I can go back to the way.
The winding way.
The maddening way.
The only way.
Which is not yours.
Sweet little mirage,
Look around you,
Sun scorched sand,
Wind swept dunes,
Scorpions riddled darkness.
This isn’t a place for you.
This isn’t a haven for me.
This isn’t a life for us.
There cannot be an us.
I know your throat is parched with bitterness.
I know your eyes are dried with sadness.
I know your lips are blistered by loneliness.
But what you see is
An enchantress in the woods.
A mermaid in the deep sea.
A black hole in the heart of a galaxy.
Go back,
Go back
Before it’s too late.
Don’t follow me,
As I run from you.
As I fly from you.
As I escape from you.
Oh how I wish you could hold me!
Oh how I wish you could tell me you love me!
Oh how I wish you could be my safe haven!
But my sweet mirage,
I will hurt you.
I will break you.
I will leave you.
I already belong to someone else…
So before you become a castle of sand.
So before you become a refreshing oasis.
So before you become a deep well.
All for me.
Let me go.
Forego
Forgive
Forget.
For me….
I dreamt of the ocean again.
The waves were soft and docile,
The water was warm and inviting,
The wind was dewy and gentle.
I was a girl once more.
Dancing on the sand,
With my cousins.
Jumping in the water,
With my clothes on.
Swimming in the ocean,
With the frothy waves
How free I was.
How easily I forgot.
How they crash,
Hush, hush.
How I remain,
How you left.
The ocean is so far away now.
But I can stil hear the waves rolling and crashing.
But I can still feel the ocean breeze on my hair and face.
But I can still taste the tears on my lips of that never-ending dance.
Perhaps,
It’s just the wind.
Perhaps,
It’s just a memory.
Perhaps,
It’s just a dream.
Hush,
Watch….
How they come,
And how they leave.
How they kiss,
And how they embrace.
How they run to you,
And run from you.
Close your eyes
And listen.
Here now,
Gone now.
The seagull,
The albatross,
And the heron.
Open your eyes.
And it’s too late.
I already left.
I already melted
I already lost my way.
And the waves,
The waves…
Like echoes of a forgotten song.
Like pebbles of a forgotten trip.
Like hopes of a forgotten dream.
Waves upon waves,
Billow upon billow,
Tsunami upon tsunami.
Never wondering,
About the aftermath,
About the consequences.
And the destruction.
Ever coming,
And leaving,
And returning.
Echoing,
Forever,
Echoing….
That dream.
For me…. 
Layla Ali Sultan 