There’s something my mind knows
that my heart cannot understand.
There’s something my heart knows
that my mind cannot understand.
I look for words
I look for colours
I look for chords
To string together
Those petals
Those feathers
Those tears
And make a necklace
And make a crown
And make a wreath.
I cannot speak any more
I cannot write any more
I cannot sing any more
Without chocking
Without stumbling
Without crying…
Lover of words
Weaver of words
Breather of words
What do I do when words fail me?
I go on
I breathe on
I write on.
This is how I’ve always lived
Before that dark forest
Before that deep chasm
Before that bitter night.
And dawn still comes
And birds still sing.
And flowers still bloom.
There’s something my mind knows
that my heart cannot understand.
There’s something my heart knows
that my mind cannot understand.
So I stay awake
So I stay at war.
So I stay aware…
Of that deep pool of pain.
Of that deep drop of despair.
Of that deep trickling trail.
And I turn to my Creator.
The One that I loved,
before him.
The One that I still love,
after him.
Patience,
Patience,
Patience always.
Perhaps I am not made for Your creatures.
Perhaps I am not made for human beings.
Perhaps I am not made for human love.
Oh I can love,
Your creation.
Oh I can nurture,
Your creation.
Oh I can hold,
Your creation.
But my heart
But my soul
But my wings
Remain my own.
There’s something my mind knows
that my heart cannot understand.
There’s something my heart knows
that my mind cannot understand.
An illusion
A dream
A chimera
that faded as soon as I touched it.
It made me long for,
It made me believe,
It made me hope for,
A soul that understood mine,
A heart that felt mine,
A path that became mine.
Leaving me seeking
Leaving me thirsting
Leaving me burning
For something that never existed.
Why did you trouble my peace?
Why did you break my solitude?
Why did you steal my song?
To scatter me away before my roses could bloom?
Reminding me once more,
That I do not belong here.
That I do not belong to them.
That I only belong to the One.
Warm and bitter coffee
Cheerful and nostalgic songbird
Quiet and energetic mornings,
I just go on.
I just keep on.
I just live on.
I simply am.
I simply exist.
I simply fill this space.
Not for you,
Not for the world,
Not even for me.
For the One.
I pick up the book where I left it.
I pick up the song where I left it.
I pick up the pen where I left it.
From where I left it all when you came along.
Is my story still the same?
Is my voice still the same?
Is my poem still the same?
Nothing ever remains.
Even ice must melt and reveal relics of the past.
Even sand must shift and reveal ruins of the past.
Even earth must crumble and reveal threads of the past.
Nothing can remain.
All grows
All withers
And all returns…
In another form.
What of that song I once heard in your silence?
Can I find it buried under that tree?
Can I find it buried in my roots?
Can I find it buried in my poems?
Must I leave it to grow again?
Must I uproot it before it grows again?
Must I leave it to blow, again?
They say weeds who survive the winter have stronger roots.
Difficult to uproot.
Difficult to unearth.
Difficult to dig out.
But what must be done,
Must be done.
Or else…
Think of the blistering cold,
of that winter.
Think of the howling anguish,
of that winter.
Think of the betraying ice,
of that winter,
What must be done,
Must be done.
Tear out the ivy,
Pull out the weeds,
Scatter away crumbling leaves,
So that the rose can bloom again.
And now it’s quiet again…
No more frenzied phone calls,
No more shivering text messages.
No more flickering hazy images.
It’s just me…
And my birds,
And my words,
And my songs.
They come in a hushed huff.
The robin,
The great tits,
The fuzzy sparrows.
And they ask about him.
He took my words,
He took my prayers,
He took my dreams,
And gave them to another one.
Leaving me under a rustling tree,
Leaving me over the cold ground.
Leaving me between the shivering trees.
And my birds answer me,
Don’t be sad,
You will find better.
Don’t be sad,
He did love you.
Don’t be sad,
You were too wild.
To be held captive.
To be domesticated.
To be understood.
Like a crashing wave,
Like a sputtering chasm,
Like a far reaching tree.
You are free now.
I just hear their soft chirps
I just hear their gentle wings
I just hear their brave songs.
And my heart is at peace.
Until the pain returns,
Until the wind returns,
Until the yearning returns,
And the,
Why
Why
Why
And the,
How
How
How
And the,
Now what
Now what
Now what….
What of those sweet dreams?
What of those earnest prayers?
What of those beautiful words?
All falling,
Like the leaves.
All dripping,
Like the rain.
All scattering,
Like the roses.
Let the mist rise
and hide me.
Let the shadows rise,
and hide me.
Let the night rise,
and hide me.
Until I am once more whole.
There was a child
There was a boy
There was a ghost
Who spoke of love
Who spoke of truth
Who spoke of forgiveness
Without knowing it.
Without meaning it.
Without knowing the meaning.
He clung to her,
The wild healer.
He clung to her,
The delicate fairy.
He clung to her,
The sweet girl.
And took,
And took,
And took,
Took all he could steal.
And she gave
And she gave
And she gave
Gave all that she could give.
Until he showed her his heart.
A pit
A ravine
An abyss.
Where he carelessly scattered
All her delicate gifts
All her soft pleas
All her earnest prayers;
As if it were dung.
A man who was blind.
A man who was maimed.
A man who was dead.
And couldn’t understand the treasure bestowed on him.
They killed his heart,
when he was a child.
They tore his soul,
when he was a babe.
They stole his feelings,
when he was hurt.
A man that loves like a child.
A man that hurts like a child.
A man that thinks like a child.
Give me,
Give me,
Give me more.
But never ask me for anything.
But pretty words,
But pretty pictures,
But pretty lies,
To fill up my empty life.
To fill up my social media.
To fill up my addiction.
Always on the lookout
For another delicate face,
For another sad girl
For another loving mother,
To escape my loneliness.
Oh beautiful longing
Oh beautiful prayer
Oh beautiful heart
Let me break you in tiny pieces.
A child trapped in a man
A ghost trapped in flesh.
A man trapped in a boy.
Such beautiful words, you told me.
Such pretty lies, you told me.
Such gentle prayers, you told me.
To steal my gentlest warmth.
To steal my innermost treasure.
To steal my softest secret.
To grind them into dust.
And watch my tears,
And watch my grief,
And watch my pain.
Tears always make you smile.
Tears always make you high.
Tears always make you love.
And you loved my tears…
But no more.
The she-wolf is baring her teeth.
The witch is carving her holy ground.
The queen is unsheathing her sword.
A volcano erupting
A wolf howling
A harpie shrieking.
Righteous anger.
How much more would you like from this
Innocent
Trusting
Loving
Girl?
Who else will you prey with your pretty lies?
Lies,
Lying lies,
He lies and lies.
And swears he is honest.
Beware, beware
of breaking an innocent heart.
Beware, beware,
of stealing a trusting heart.
Beware, beware,
of hurting a loving soul.
For they are in the protection of the Creator.
The tired healer smiles….
The one who lies to himself,
speaks the truth to others.
The one who lies to others,
speaks the truth to himself.
Never knowing the difference between truth and lies.
Is it a lie if you believe it?
Is it a lie if you told it to yourself?
Is it a lie if you swear it’s true?
And that was all the Truth she needed.
Let him remain trapped in his lies.
Let him remain trapped in his pain.
Let him remain trapped in his dream.
And let the birds fly off,
The robin,
The great tit,
And the sparrows
Mighty warriors of the soul
Gentle messengers of the soul
Constant companion of the soul
are free.
And I shall fly away….
Never to return.
When did you walk in my cabin?When dd you settle by the fire?When did you start to hold my hand?I don’t remember.Do you remember?Say you do.Say something.There a notebook on the coffee table.The pages are torn off.The cover is ink stained.The binding is unravelling.Can I still write to you? I asked.Of course. But I won’t answer. You replied. The words run wild in my hair.The words fly away through blue sky.The words scatter away far away.Do you ever hear echoes in the night?I hope you don’t.I hope you do.I hope you don’t. Those pages I barely wrote.Those pages I never sent.Those pages I burned off.They were not for you.They were for me.If I told you that,I miss you.If I told you that,You are still the one.If I told you that,I still cry on the inside.Would it change anything?The street will remain empty.The door will remain closed.The night will remain silent.I will always remember The sound of the door closing.The sound of the silence after.The sound of my own grief.But I can’t rememberThe first thing you said to me.The first thing we laughed about.The first thing that made us cry.I open the window,and the silence is filled with the sighs of early birds.and the darkness is filled with hazy starlight.and my loneliness is filled with the isolation of a confined humanity. I am not alone,We’re all alone.I’m not alone,You are alone.Yesterday,Alone together.Tonight,Alone apart.Farewell, My shy sparrow,My uprooted oak,My forever wandering knight.
After the rushing trickles,After the hurried gasps,After the crackling fires,There’s a pool.Calm,Motionless,ReflectingThe blaze of the sun.The gleam of the moon.The glimmer of the stars.Reflecting deeply.No sorrowNo joyNo sigh.What is gone, is gone.What is left, is left.What is, is.… But what is that?Tell me, please, tell me.Write again, please, write again.Hope once more, please, hope once more.But the boulders have rolled down.But the wind has died down.But the birds have settled down.And there are no answers.The river is black with ink.The river is gray with tears.The river is white with remembrance. Until I saw the crescent moon.I left the cabin in the woods.I left the room full of books.I left the two cups of tea.and I kept on walking.Stone in my chest.Ashes in my throat.Brambles in my eyes.and I kept on walking.Tears tickling down,Hope dashing away,Dreams buried away,and I kept on walking.Parched lips.Rumbling stomach.Empty heart.Found, found my way.Away, away to find.Found my way back home.To What is beyond those stars.To What is higher than this sun.To What is more real than reality.Home.Tell me love, Weren’t you headed this way too?Tell me my sparrow,Weren’t we headed this way together?Tell me my oak tree,Were we longing for the same destination? As I walk on,I can see your eyes,I can hear your words,I can feel your warmth,In a flash,In a flutter,In a twinkle,Of my heart. Maybe, as I make my way Home,Maybe, as I make my way to Freedom.Maybe, as I make my way to Peace. Around the bend I will find,A kindred spirit,A fellow wanderer.A familiar presence.Fingers entwined,Palm to palm,Souls entwined,We will walk side by side, again.Never parting,Never cleaving,Never untanglingUntil we reach Our Destination.
Layla Ali Sultan 