They ask me about what I write. I sigh I shrug. and I lie. If I told them the truth Their eyes would be full of pity. Their mouths will be full of contempt. Their forehead will be full of incomprehension. Truth is, I don’t understand it either. There’s a voice in the breeze, There’s silhouette in the woods There’s a name on the wall. Always the same. Some write, Love is a mental affliction. Love is a learned behavior. Love is a comforting habit. Flat Empty Sterile. What is love? A plot for an otherwise boring novel? A ploy to sell more chocolates and roses? A gimmick to give meaning to commercial songs? Is it something I made up, To make my sunset glow? Is it something I dreamt up, To make my morning melodious? Is it something I twisted up, To make my nights magical? Ungraspable, Unreachable, Unbearable, Especially since you remain unseen. Where? How? Why? Madness. Foolishness. Childishness. Let me write a theory about this disorienting wave. Let me analyzes this delicious polarity. Let me write a poem about this sinking elation. Good Lord, girl, don’t be silly.They ask me about what I write. I sigh. I shrug. And I smile… Love, I always write about love.
Tag: poem
28/09/19
To that robin redbreast To that yellow tit. To that kind sparrow. I will never forget your sweet song. I will never forget your gentle fluttering. I will never forget your shy hovering. Every morning, I look for you from my window. Every afternoon, I feed you from my balcony. Every sunset, I sing to you from my bower. Ah, songs and poems hopes and dreams wishes and whispers Are all we are allowed to have. I served crumbs of truth You pecked it away. I was careless I was hopeless I was lonely. Oh so lonely, So very lonely. But you know about that bitter taste. But you know about that cold rapture. But you know about that voiceless song. You’re the same. We’re the same. Yet so very different…. You speak like badly translated subtitles. I speak like a never-ending soliloque. We try to cross the sea of words and meanings.But we always drown… In misunderstanding. In our own feelings. In so many dreams… But your heart, But your song, But your sigh Echo into the night. And I yearn. And I hope. And I graze What doesn’t even exist. Are you even real? Across that golden web. Across that stream of numbers. Across that ever growing distance. Did I? Did you? … fall like feathers. …. scatter like petals. … melt like the sunset. Did we? Or was it just a string of incoherent words. And so much longing. And so much desperation. And so much loneliness. Engulfing us into a sleepless dream.
25/09/19
There is ice in my veins There are ashes on my lips There are pebbles in my eyes for all men but one. Indifferent, Detached, strong as hell… I’m always on the run. Why settle? Why bother? Why oh why? I’m over this. Careful Composed Controlled. How do you do it? They ask. Inside the galaxies are revolving. Inside the wind is bellowing. Inside, the girl is howling. and fighting. and singing. and dancing. Free Feral Fiery. Crazy.But my face remains smooth. But my voice never wavers . But my stance never crumbles. This one with sweet words make my heart skip a beat. make my eyes swim make my soul sink. In the remote wood let me remain. In the alpine crest let me remain In the sleepy creek let me remain. Unseen. Unspoken to. Untouched by heartbreak. Far from any of them, Only with your ghost. Maybe I’m already dead. Maybe I’m already rusted. Maybe I’m already scattered. Why else would I remain basking in a memory and running away and scattering away and blowing away as soon as someone approches. I could melt I could enwrap I could open my heart. But I don’t. Never, ever ever. Unless it’s you.
23/09/19
One droplet,
Two droplets
And here comes the rain.
Can you smell it?
The earth is singing.
The soil is humming.
The ground is crooning.
Oh so soft
so gentle.
so fierce.
and I raise my arms to the sky
and I swirl like a celestial body
and I feel my feet leaving the earth.
and I sing too
At the top of my lungs.
From the depth of my soul.
To the pain in my heart.
If only I were a bird.
Like the wise and brave hoopoe
Like the terrified but brave goldfinch
Like the disillusioned but brave owl .
I would fly without flailing like they did…
Until I found you.
But will I ever find you?
Perhaps you were only the path.
Perhaps you were only the question.
Perhaps you were only the awakener.
To a higher path.
To a nobler oath.
To a brighter thirst.
To the One I belong to.
And yet you linger.
Like a feather in my lashes.
And yet you whisper.
Like a scent against my lips.
And yet, you always return,
Like autumns breezing against my back.
But I turn around,
You are gone.
What should I do, dear?
When they come to me,
with their hearts in their hands.
When they come to me,
with their confessions on their lips.
When they come to me,
with their sincerity on their cheeks…
I run.
I run away.
I run into the hazy woods.
I run to the crumbling summit.
I run to the ever tumbling sea.
But I never find you.
You are gone.
And I remain alone.
Dancing without music,
Waiting without hoping,
Hoping without thinking.
Never think, dear, never think.
Lest you wake up your own destruction.
Rationality.
Lucidity.
Reason.
I swing them away.
I minstrel them away.
I dream them away.
Until I find my never-never land again.
Until I find your silhouette in the glimmer.
Until I find peace in this tale I spin.
21/09/19 15:00
The hearth is glowing The water is boiling The cat is purring. Are you ready to come back home? Some said the war is over. Others wrote the war is just starting. All sighed and trembled. Where are you now dear? I can’t touch you. I cant reach you. I can’t breathe you. I ask for a dream so that I can Embrace you. Hold you. Keep you safe. But no dreams come anymore. You are truly lost in the mist. You are truly engulfed in the sea. You are truly burred within yourself. You pulled up your boots. You pulled down your shirt. And you closed the door. Where, where are you? How, how are you? When, when will you return? The wind follows your gait. The tempest covers your footsteps. The rain puddle up your path. You cannot be found. You will not be found. As I close the door, Pour the tea, and stoke up the fire, I remind myself : You’re the one who left. You’re the one who choose to leave. You’re the one who chose to never speak of it. I’m the one who chose To keep the light on. To keep the songs up. To keep the fire… Until you return. No promises, You always keep your promises. No letter, You never write back. No sign of life, You never come back. And yet, The breeze in the golden foliage, The yellow tit on the branch, The squirrel by the pond, told me you will. And I believe, I must believe. Shouldn’t I… believe? Tell me. This is a true dream, This is a true promise, This is a true hope, Isn’t it true?
21/09/19
I would have been easier
If I knew how to lie.
If I knew how to hide.
If I knew how to pretend.
It would have been easier.
If I could lie to myself.
If I could hide it from myself.
If I could pretend to myself.
It would have been easier.
You would know,
Wouldn’t you?
You?
Instead the mermaid tries to swim against the current
Instead the she-wolf tries to run against the wind.
Instead the owl tries to hoot against the thunder.
Their faces sometimes look like yours.
Their voices sometimes mingle into yours.
Their stories sometimes echo yours.
But they are not you.
They are never you.
How could they be you?
Do I even know who you were?
A fading pantomime.
A deserted circus.
And the soldier returning home.
But where is home?
Or did your return to another wasteland?
Or did you return to another battlefield?
Or did you return to another arena?
The noble homeless knight
Lost in the fray.
Lost in the fog.
Lost in the forest.
Tumbling into my hut.
Tumbling into my embrace.
Tumbling into my healing balm.
This is the story I wrote for you.
Do you blame me love,
For still calling you love?
Do you blame me love,
For still longing for your return?
Do you blame me love,
For making stories to soap up your silence?
You thought I idealized you.
You thought I admired you.
You thought I imagined you.
Maybe I did,
But I also saw the homeless boy.
But I also saw the weak man.
But I also saw the naked soul.
and I stared right back.
Is it right to belong,
To someone who has already left?
To someone who has left no trace?
To someone who has never wanted it?
I understand your tiredness now.
I understand your wariness now
I understand your brokenness now.
I even understand why you had to go.
I carry you ghost when I say no.
I carry your ghost when I run away.
I carry your ghost when I refuse to try again.
What ghost were your carrying?
When I tried to find your gaze.
When I tried to to find your heart.
When I tried to find your soul.
and I only found hollow words.
It shouldn’t matter,
after so many glorious autumns.
It shouldn’t matter,
after so many unanswered letters.
It shouldn’t matter,
after so many scribbled pages.
It really shouldn’t,
But it stil does.
You were never mine.
Yet I remain yours.
Silly silly girl…
Yours.
20/09/19
And I come back to you,
Like the waves come back to the rocks,
Like the leaves return to the ground,
Like the wind howls again between the trees.
My heart resiles.
My soul mounds.
My eyes replenish..
Is it a habit?
Is it an addiction?
Is it true love?
What do I know ?
I talk to the whispering night
I talk to the snoring neighbor
I talk to the pernicious wind.
That always returns.
Without a word.
Without an embrace.
Without a confession.
Just a filtering cold.
Just a sinister whimper.
Just a chaotic tumble.
Is it foolish?
Is it loyal?
Is it romantic?
Some would laugh scornfully.
Some would turn away impatiently.
Other would run for the hills.
Like you did.
Always running.
Always fading.
Always crystalizing..
Never returning.
I could have a handful of goldenseals.
I could have a pocketful of bluebells.
I could have a life full of soft buttercups.
I could.
But I cannot.
Instead I turn my face to the blistering cold.
Instead I turn my heart to the carving howl.
Instead I turn my soul to the ever burning core.
Burning,
Turning
And bursting.
In total silence
In complete stillness.
In utter peacefulness.
What noise do stars make in deep space
When they collide?
When they collapse?
When they burst to life again ?
In tiny tiny
growing growing
burning burning
embers ?
The same bursting silence,
The same gentle bustle.
The same voiceless awe
That echoes in your words.
That mingles with your breath.
That cadences your heart.
soft soft like a hummingbird’s exhalation.
hushed hushed like the night after the tempest.
empty, empty like a breaking heart after a dream.
I always return to you,
But you never do.
18/09/19
Today,
Autumn was glowing in amber.
The wind was blowing with anger.
Today,
My heart was glowing with echoes of you.
My perfume was blowing gently around me.
Do you remember this scent?
Violets in the spring.
Musk for the winter.
And sunshine for autumn.
Spring never came,
did it?
I remember you best
When I’m leaving.
When I’m running away.
When I’m turning away from a loving heart.
Was it how you felt?
When you walked away.
When you stopped answering.
When you faded into a breeze.
Life keeps on knocking at my door.
and I say no.
No, I don’t want him.
No, I don’t want this life.
No I don’t want to take this path.
The leaves scatter at my tired feet.
The mud settled around my bare feet.
The sand weighs over my sunken feet.
I cannot.
I will not.
I refuse.
But you will never answer my whisper.
But you will never turn around.
But you will never return to me.
Never.
Why do I stay here?
Why do I linger here?
Why do I take roots here?
People walk by.
Some talk to me about the world beyond.
Others take my hand and try to lure me to their own paths.
I want to find my own way.
The way back to myself.
The way back to my own realm.
The way back to me before you.
To walk away from the ruins of a delusion.
To walk away from a castle of dreams.
To walk away from something truer than reality
is further that I can go.
17/09/19 14:00
There’s a green and golden field.
Far away.
There’s a turquoise and glass ocean.
Nearby.
There’s an emerald and amber forest.
Within me.
Where you stood next to me.
Before the world.
Before time.
Before life.
A summit within the stars.
A nest within a supernova.
A plain within a galaxy.
Spiraling
Intersecting
Merging.
It came back to me,
In a dream.
In a flash.
In a breath.
Was it centuries ago?
Was it now?
Was it after our death?
We stood,
Face to face.
Hand in hand.
Soul to soul.
And you finally could speak the truth :
You knew me.
You remembered me.
You loved me.
And we were finally free from
The veils of our world.
The pandemonium of our society.
The wounds of our lives.
Healed and whole.
Whole and healed.
I open my eyes.
I stand motionless.
and I look around me.
I am still here.
You are not.
This life must still be braved.
Without you.
Without your hand.
Without your words.
Holding on only to
A fading dream
A carefully crafted story.
A lingering yet unfathomable memory.
And to the One who created us together.
And to the One who brought us together.
And the One who will bring us together.
After this long journey.
After this long tribulation.
After this long darkness.
Back to that green field.
Back to that golden sunset.
Back to that crumbling castle.
… And those unforgettable words.
14/09/19
There’s a box I cannot throw away
It’s small but sturdy
Once filled with sweets and hopes
Now filled with dust and rust.
Last night I stuffed it in the trash
Last night I dreamt of you.
This morning the box is in my hands again.
There’s a book I had
Once it was filled with memories
Now it’s filled with foul language .
There’s a dream I had
Once it was as solid as this window.
Now its’s fading like summer.
There’a bird that pecks on the glass
Hello there!
Hear me?
Please hear me!
I draw my curtain,
I turn my back
And hum to myself.
The sparrow follows my tune
peep peep
Hear me, heal me.
Will it ever stop?
Can I shoo it away?
Can I ignore it away?
Can I scare it away?
He says,
Hold me close,
Hold me all winter long,
Hold me even though I am far away.
Dear sparrow,
I am a lynx,
I am lioness
I am a fat housecat.
I will eat your heart in a second.
And spit out the broken pieces.
And leave them to rot.
Fly, fly away.
While you can.
Go, go away.
While you can.
Vanish, vanish away
While you can.
And then, there’s the other one
That I mustn’t’ think about.
That I cannot think about.
That I should never ever think about.
A mountain lion…
He roams beyond the vales
He stalks past my woods
He howls deep in the night.
But he doesn’t belong to me.
So instead,
I hold this box of dusty sweets.
I polish this box of rusting dreams.
I cherish this box of long lost silence….
and hold on to the ghost.
I wish you were here.
I wish you were him.
I wish you existed….
Layla Ali Sultan 