Give me some absence
to feel your presence.
Give me some distance
to feel your presence.
Give me some silence
to feel your presence.
But you are so thirsty
But you are so hungry
But you are so lonely
You’d swallow me whole
In a gulp
In a bite
In a swirl.
Holding so tightly
Keeping so tightly
Clinging so tightly
That I become dust.
I was once crimson flames
I was once gushing rains
I was once bursting chains
I was once mesmerized
I was once capsized
I was once electrified
Divine anguish
Dizzying euphoria
Horrifying crash
Burn
Burn
into ashes.
It was easier to love
It was easier to cherish
It was easier to hold
When I couldn’t hold
When I couldn’t be held.
From afar
From a distance
From another galaxy
So much easier to love
Perfection
Apparence
Surface
Less dangerous
Less perilous
Less real…
And now reality engulfed me.
And now love beholds me.
And now truth encounters me.
Not as polished
Not as perfect
Not as phony
Real.
Raw
Boring
Frazzled
Real.
One knock
Another knock
And here we come…
To another land
Too tangible
Too overwhelming
Too fleshy
To only dream
To only read
To only admire.
Real.
Like a ring on your finger.
Real.
Like a hand on your hand.
Real
Like a laugh mingled with your laugh.
I don’t want a new dress
I don’t want a new face
I don’t want a new love
New is unknown.
New is foreign.
New is tiresome.
I want to be known.
I want to know.
To know without words.
I want to slip in a warm home.
I want to slip in a familiar bed.
I want to drift in familiar woods.
I dream of them…
The ghost who slipped through my fingers
The ghost who slit open my heart
The ghosts who could only linger;
Never stay.
Who are those strangers?
Stranger to my heart.
Who are those foreigners?
Foreigner to my heart.
Who are those intruders?
Intruders to my heart.
Can’t let them know.
Can’t let them in.
Can’t let them stay.
Tired rain-heavy roses
Scattering scattering
Lolling lolling.
Fading fading.
Is it too late?
Is it too soon?
Patience
Peace.
Prayer.
My lips move
Wordlessly.
My wings move
Flightlessly
My heart moves
Restlessly.
Love always sputters out
Love always springs out
Love always sprouts out.
Ivy on crumbly towers
Roses on crumbly gates
Daisies on crumbly lands.
Life and Love
Love and Life.
Lush leaves glistering
Thick sap sputtering
Unseen fungi sprouting.
What is old springs new life.
New life springs from the old.
But none of those strangers are you.
And yet,
I must embrace the new season.
And yet,
I must embrace the new songs.
And yet,
I must embrace the new awakening.
We are made of atoms
We are made of sighs
We are made of particles
of the same stars
of the same rocks
of the same earth
And perhaps,
That spark
That glint
That echo
could be found in another.
For when we love the moon,
We love reflected light.
For when we love lakes,
We love reflected light.
For when we love others
We love reflected Light.
And in that Light
We are forever entwined
We are forever found
We are forever united.
And perhaps my prayers
become gems
become roses
become warmth
bestowed on you.
And you know you are not forgotten.
And you know you are not unloved.
And you know you are not hated.
And you know…
As God decrees.
As God allows.
As God enables.
Too warm for autumn,
Too cold for spring,
I am like a lost tree leaf.
Is it time?
Or is it too late?
The golden season cannot be denied.
The golden moment cannot be denied.
The golden feelings cannot be denied,
A robin told me.
I heard him
I felt him
I beckoned him,
As if as I was trying to see the first signs.
Of a decaying season
Of a bursting season
Of a mournful season,
I heard a soft sigh.
Oh I recognized you
Oh I beheld you
Oh I found you,
My old friends.
You were shy in spring.
You were hidden in summer,
You have returned in autumn.
To keep my winter days colorful.
The first time you came,
I heard your words.
The next time you came,
I saw your gleaming heart.
This time you came,
I saw your earnest gaze.
The teacher told me
Let yourself be seen.
Let yourself be felt.
Let yourself be heard.
And they will come to you.
The robin breathed a serenade,
The great tit bestowed a trill.
The squirrel threw a greeting.
And the garden was filled with leaves
And the forest was filled with colors
And nature was filled with life.
Oh the fragrance of the last autumn rose!
Softer than spring,
Deeper than summer,
And so delicate…
Thriving in last nights’ tempest.
Growing in last nights’ cold.
Sweetening last nights’ bitterness.
My sweet.
My miracle,
My hope.
Does this deep peace in my heart trickles from you?
Does this deep joy in my heart trickles from you?
Does this deep love in my heart trickles from you?
Are you finally at peace, my love?
Are we both wrapped,
Are we both protected,
Are we both inter-rooted
Together,
In our Creator’s peace.
In our Creator’s glow
In our Creator’s love?
Tell me,
without a word
without a click
without a quote.
Tell me,
with a glance,
with a smile,
with a grasp.
Tell me.
He had sailed through many seas.
He had striven through many storms
He had braved through many nights.
Stalwart
Steadfast
Unsurpassed.
A king of the sea,
A knight of the night,
A master of his ship,
To all but himself.
They fear him,
They honor him,
They follow him.
He just drifts…
The storm rages,
The waves crash,
The night fades.
His crew is slumbering.
His ship is flailing.
The night is starting.
From the mists,
a song rises.
From the darkness,
a glimmer rises.
From the sea,
a maiden rises.
Her song beckons him.
Her hand beckons him.
Her eyes beckons him.
Come, come
lost mariner.
Come, come
lost pirate.
Come, come,
lost commander.
And he forgets,
His mother’s harsh warning.
His father’s stern warning.
His past’s iron warning.
What does he have to lose?
And she whispers in the wind
Words like trinkets
Feelings like gems
Thoughts like gold
Eternal love
True freedom
Tender companionship.
Before you came,
These waves were enough to fill my days.
These oceans were enough to fill my heart.
This horizon was enough to fill my soul.
He smiles
He cries,
and his heart dies.
In the deep night,
she swims to the heart of the ocean.
In the dark night,
she swims to find him some pearls.
In the sweet night,
she swims with joy and hope.
Dawn’s pale hues.
Dawn’s gentle waves.
Dawn’s eternal gold.
He is gone.
He couldn’t say yes.
He couldn’t say no.
He could only go.
Mermaids do not become froth.
Mermaids do not become faint.
Mermaids do not become afraid.
Creature of the sea,
They have a tempest in their hearts.
Creatures of the ocean,
They have an abyss of strength.
Creatures of the horizon,
They have an endless courage.
And she followed him.
Like a lovelorn lover,
Like a damned damsel,
Like a serenading siren.
Were there ravished princesses,
Were there damsels in distress
Were there sensuous pirate-ladies,
In his dreams?
In his eyes?
In his ports?
She couldn’t see…
She could only sing,
She could only swim,
She could only see….
What her heart showed her.
He was just a wanderer.
He was just a sea thief
He was just a lonely man.
She was the legend,
She was the myth
She was the fire.
Burning,
Burning,
Burning the abysses.
She saw nobility,
She saw righteousness
She was bravery,
Where there was only confusion.
He went on sailing,
Port to port.
She went on swimming,
Night to night.
He never looked back.
She never caught up.
To the sparrow
In the morning,
I trust you.
To the violets
In the spring,
I trust you.
To the wandering knight,
In the night,
I trust you.
To my Lord,
In every heartbeat,
I trust you.
To love a flickering feather
To love a withering flower,
To love a wayfaring stranger,
Is to trust.
Trust,
that you will return.
that you will bloom.
that you will stay.
And how do I trust my Creator?
In trusting His Timing,
In trusting His Planning,
In trusting His creatures.
The windows are open,
Curtain billowing.
The doors are open,
Candles flickering.
The arms are open,
Heart fluttering.
Do I trust you?
Do I love you?
Do I believe you?
You,
who is gone but remain.
who is there but is here.
who is with me but with her.
But does she even exist?
Or, is she a creature of my fear?
Or, is she your open exit door?
Or, is she a passing stranger?
The wind roars and roars.
The house sighs and sighs.
The lone girl sings and sings.
The woods are empty now.
The night is empty now.
The road ahead is empty now.
The friends,
The lover,
The future
are swept away.
Like golden crunchy leaves,
Like barely ripped acorn,
Like forgotten soft feathers-
The path only remains.
Off and on,
I must go.
Up and down,
I must go.
High and low,
I must go.
But must I flee alone?
But must I sleep alone?
But must I weep alone?
Always alone.
Belonging to none.
Belonging to myself.
Belonging to my Lord.
My Lord,
My Cherisher,
My Creator,
Where must I go?
I never aimed to be a statue.
I never aimed to be an exemplar.
I never aimed to be a banner.
I just wished for arms to hold me.
I just wished for a home to behold.
I just wanted children to hold.
Hold and held.
To be held and to hold.
So very human.
So very natural.
So very simple.
And yet,
Forever out of reach.
For the girl lost on the path.
For the girl lost in the mist.
For the girl lost in the marshes.
Will he find her?
The knight who had to leave?
The king who had to grow?
The seeker who had to find?
Or will he go on…
To another dream.
To another chase.
To another marsh.
Does he know that what he fears
Follows him.
Holds him.
Shapes him.
And he cannot
Shake it.
Lose it.
Break it.
Without facing his dark night.
My love,
My knight,
My sparrow,
I trust you…
To embrace that pain.
To pierce that pain.
To overcome that pain.
And rise again…
And rise,
And fly,
And soar…
Until we meet again.
My mind is a forest
Boundless,
Ever growing.
Ever tangling.
My mind is a house,
deathless,
Ever glowing
Ever warm.
My mind is a lake
Dauntless,
Ever glimmering,
Ever moving.
I wander from tree to tree.
I wander from room to room.
I wander from coast to coast.
Where did you go?
Beyond the house,
Beyond the forest,
Beyond the lake,
Into the deep blue sea.
Into the cold black sea.
At first,
There was a crescent moon,
To guide me.
Then,
There was a full moon,
to blind me.
And now,
There’s a winning moon,
failling me.
My arms are sore,
My feet are frozen,
My eyes are burning.
I cannot last longer.
Where did you go?
There’s a trickle on my cheek.
There’ a sickle in my eyes
There’s a ripple on the lake.
And a voice telling me,
I don’t want you to follow me.
I don’t want you to care for me.
I don’t want you to love me.
My mouth is full of salt,
My mouth is full of water,
My mouth is full of bitterness.
Dearest,
Do you think a human being can control her heart?
Maybe you do…
Yours is hidden in a high tower.
Yours is hidden in a lost island.
Yours is hidden in a wild ocean.
That no one can cross.
Only fools venture to those waves.
Only lovers venture through the silence.
Only madwomen venture to that darkness.
But look through my eyes….
Beyond the waves I see peace.
Beyond the silence I see smiles.
Beyond the darkness I see a flicker.
Is it a candle?
Is it a star?
Is it a wildfire?
Burning and burning.
Like my heart,
Like my mind,
Like my hope.
And all I want is to…
Dance until I fall.
Sing until I falter.
Swim until I drown.
Lost in the motion
Lost in the emotion.
Lost in the ocean.
Lost but willing to be found.
July 2021
The mermaid slept
tangled in the pirate’s arms.
The fearless ranger slept,
entwined in the werewolf’s arms.
The elven princess slept,
curled into her knight’s arms.
Morning came,
And they were once more separated
with a screen
with kilometres
with silence.
The galleon left the deep sea.
The wolf left his hide in the forest.
The knight left the castle in his heart..
He goes through his day never knowing,
A fairy plays in his beard.
A naiad swim in his tears.
A huma flies in his daydreams.
Wherever she goes she can
See a feather spiralling to her.
Hear a bird beckoning to her.
Feel a flutter of wings next to her.
And how she smiles!
Is he smiling too?
And how she hopes!
Is he hoping too?
And she prays!
Is he praying too?
How can she know when
All she has are dreams.
All she has are words.
All she has are images.
To touch from your fingertips.
To hear from your ears.
To feel from your lips.
Who is your lover?
Although
Your hearts
Your minds
Your souls
have already met.
A long long time ago.
When all was One.
When all was none.
And we promised together,
And we witnessed together,
And we learned together,
The destination of our course.
Let me try,
Let them send armies,
Let them use reason.
As we call for the protection of Our Creator
After the last sunbeam,
After the last goodnight,
After the last prayer,
Another girl rises.
He doesn’t know her.
You don’t know her.
They don’t know her.
She’s so very different,
From all that wisdom,
From all that composure,
From all that frozen image.
The moon isn’t distant anymore.
The lover isn’t distant anymore.
The damsel isn’t distant anymore.
She’s all,
Skin
Lips
and throat.
Singing,
Dancing,
Swaying.
Like a wild creature,
Like a forgotten dream,
Like a mischievous fae,
finally set free.
It’s dark,
It’s late,
It’s deep.
Timeless like the galaxy,
Roaring like the waves,
Twirling like the leaves.
Alone,
Lonely,
Lovelorn.
But burning so brightly
But yearning so deeply
But breathing so lightly.
You dream of her,
sometimes.
You hope for her,
sometimes.
You glimpse her,
Sometimes.
But she’s ever out of your reach.
Her deepest love
Her strongest bond
Her brightest moment
Wrapped in plastic.
Cloaked in wires.
Scattered in codes.
01101001
00100000
01101100
01101111
01110110
01100101
00100000
01111001
01101111
01110101
00100000
01010101
11000111
10100111
01110101
01110010
Now you know,
Don’t you?
Now you run,
Don’t you?
Now you vanish,
Don’t you.
03/04/21
There is the desire to plunge,
There is the desire of the abyss,
There is the desire of the darkness.
Just forget it.
Just let it rot.
Just let it dry.
Why even bother?
Oh but there’s also a scent.
From a flower,
both familiar yet exotic.
Oh but there’s also a song.
From a voice,
both familiar yet foreign.
Oh but there’s a hope.
From a name,
Both familiar yet outlandish.
All mingled,
All intertwined,
All melting.
Into a single burst.
Is it divine love?
Your branches are too heavy,
to carry me.
Your core is too hollow,
to hold me.
Your stem is too thin,
to find me.
But your roots are so deep…
Under the cool darkness,
Under the cover of dreams,
Under the rich canopy of life,
Our souls meet,
Our hearts beat,
Our souls merge.
I am not strong either.
My wings are tired,
My song is wavering.
My flight is halted.
How to go?
Where to go?
When to go?
Must I leave?
I ask the ever glimmering stars.
I ask the ever roaring winds.
I ask the ever rising sun.
What would they know?
I turn inward,
I turn upward,
I turn, turn and turn Home.
Hush,
Let me listen.
Heart,
Soul,
Time,
Hush,
Let me listen.
Deep,
deep in the night.
Late,
late in the tide.
Far,
far away from you.
There’s a mournful cry.
There’s a longing plea.
There’s a soft surrender.
What is spoken to a heart,
What is poured in a soul,
What is etched in a mind,
from Above,
Cannot be explained.
Cannot be written.
Cannot be rhymed.
And yet I try.
The waves crash over us.
The mountains rise over us.
The dust storms rise over us.
And there’s only one thought…
I must hold on to that branch.
I must hold on to that hope.
I must hold on to that song.
Oh they rage,
those squalls.
Oh they rage,
those thoughts.
Oh they rage,
those hours.
But I hold on…
Losing my feathers,
Losing my direction,
Losing my tune,
Have I lost it?
Yet,
All tempest must end…
And tomorrow,
I will pour my love to your heart.
And tomorrow,
We will pray from our soul and heart.
And tomorrow,
We will watch those flowers blossom in our heart.
For,
that garden belongs to both of us
For,
those prayers belong to both of us.
For,
that heart belong to both of us.
You & me.
Me & you.
Us.
There’s no turning back, isn’t it?
Layla Ali Sultan 