17/10/19

 Come home,
 The birds are holding their last conference.
 Come back.
 

 Come home,
 The leaves are covering the green grass.
 Come back.
 

 Come home,
 The squirrels are dashing to find nuts for the winter.
 Come back.
 

 The sky is growing darker and darker.
 The nights are growing colder and colder.
 The foliage is growing sparser and sparser.
 

 I am gathering woods and dried leaves.
 I am gathering thyme and rosemary 
 I am gathering scattered petals and the last daisies.
 

 The hearth is glowing red and gold.
 The hearth is blazing desperately.
 The hearth is incensing the house.
 

 Myrrhe
 Rosemary
 and Thyme.
 

 Beaconing,
 Beckoning,
 Beguiling,
 

 The wandering healer,
 The crownless knight,
 The forgotten king.
 

 Forgotten by all.
 Derided by all.
 Condemned by all,
 

 But me.
 

 In the raucous clamor,
 In the blinding storm,
 In the tumbling wind,
 

 Can he ever find his way back ?
 

 To walls that can shelter him.
 To a warmth that can revive him.
 To a heart that can nurture him.
 

 The way into the woods is treacherous.
 Treacherous are the illusions drowning us. 
 Drowning, drowning until we rise again.
 

 The forest at the heart of autumn is 
 

 Teaming with life,
 Spurting with mystery,
 Luring with delicate secrets.
 

 The lace of a leaf banqueted by the invisible creatures.
 The discarded feather tethered to the bark and the spiderweb.
 The last bird sharing a farewell tale and a promise to return.
 

 Listen,
 Watch,
 Understand.
 

 But do not lose your way. 
 

 In the winter,
 The woods are full of wolves.
 

 In the winter,
 The river is full of ice.
 

 In the winter,
 The earth is full of thick snow. 
 

 Come home,
 Before it’s too cold.
 

 Come home,
 Before it’s too late. 
 

 Come home,
 Before it’s too far.
 

 But the world keeps on drifting away.
 But the world keeps on fading into the past.
 But the world keep on growing colder.
 

 And it’s too late…
 

 Yet, I will keep on feeding my fire.
 Yet, I will keep on burning my encens.
 Yet, I will keep on singing my prayers.
 

 For your journey,
 For your safekeeping,
 For your return,
 

 Into my welcoming arms.
 Into my welcoming heart.
 Into my welcoming hearth.
 

 My love.
 

 And the healing of all the hurts you carry. 

13/10/19 (midnight)

 It’s only when it’s very late.
 Or very early. 
 Too early, too late. 
 

 In a time between time.
 

 When I stretch words.
 When I glide on a song.
 When I close my eyes 
 

 And go back to that inner sanctuary.
 

 Beyond the warm flickering firelight,
 Beyond the wooden panels of this hut,
 Beyond the resting abode of my soul,
 

 There is a silhouette in the shadow.
 There is a gaze in the glimmer.
 There is a sigh in this stillness.
 

 Why?
 Why do you always remain?
 

 I finally know what the old crone beares on her back.
 I finally know what stories are buried with the maiden. 
 I finally know what hope carries the mother in her womb.
 

 Who am I?
 

 To you I am nothing.
 To you I was the untouched maiden.
 To you I way the barely sprung bud.
 

 And you?
 Oh you were
 

 The rain and the sunshine.
 The keyboard and the screen.
 The night and the stars.
 

 Everything.
 And you still are… 
 

 When the night is so deep,
 When the night is so silent,
 When the night is so cold,
 

 And I forget about
 

 Causality.
 Rationality.
 Credibility.
 

 And I believe in the 
 

 Unutterable.
 Unbelievable.
 Unspeakable. 
 

 Alone
 Mute.
 Frozen.
 

 My head full of songs.
 My eyes full of galaxies.
 My heart full of stories.
 

 Dearest,
 if you only knew…
 

 About all those words I only write for you.
 About all those places I only harbor for you.
 About all those gazes I only keep for you.
 

 You.
 Only you.
 

 But the stars fade.
 But the night alights.
 But the birds stir up.
 

 and I can longer feel you
 

 Right behind the curtain.
 Right after this bend.
 Right behind me.
 

 You are gone.
 

 And the day starts with a trumpet of engines.
 And the hours enfold with a chaos of voices.
 And reality sets in with a slamming of a door.
 

 Foolish, foolish girl.
 

 Until the autumn sun dips behind the trees.
 Until the golden leaves gently sway in the breeze.
 Until the breeze quieten down into an exhalation.
 

 And I can remember our last conversation.
 
 

13/10/19

 Your words are boxes.
 Your questions are bars.
 Your attention is a border.
 

 Enclosing me.
 Entrapping me.
 Chocking me.
 

 In.
 and out.
 In.
 and out…
 

 And I can breathe again.
 

 Did you follow the trail of petals leading into the woods?
 Did you follow the feather as it fell from the branches?
 Did you follow the brook cascading and shimmering away?
 

 Your bare feet against the cold mud.
 Your open palms against the silken foliage.
 Your open lips against the curtain of rain?
 

 Dewdrops gliding through,
 Droplets dripping through,
 Teardrops slipping through,
 

 Your outstretched fingers.
 

 Yours?
 Mine?
 Neither. 
 

 You’re trying too hard.
 You’re not trying hard enough.
 

 You are looking for warm golden marble that melts.
 You are looking for a thick but easily opened door.
 You are looking for something that only exists in your mind.
 

 I see you walk past me.
 

 You never noticed the softly whispering aspen tree.
 You never noticed the fluttering and chirping robin.
 You never noticed the sunbeam piercing into your eyes.
 

 You never noticed me seeking something in you.
 

 That wasn’t in you.
 That wasn’t for you.
 That was already in me.
 

 Did you decipher the footsteps in the mud?
 Did you translate the birdsong in the morn?
 Did you notice the pattern of the stars?
 

 You didn’t.
 

 Thus the lush isle remain forever out of reach in the mists.
 Thus the cabin with the glowing hearth remains deep in the woods. 
 Thus the enticing kisses remain forever beyond your reach in the clouds.
 

 Huffing 
 Humming
 Puffing;
 

 If only.
 

 Didn’t you read the legends about the never ending quest?
 Didn’t you read the poems about the wandering knights?
 Didn’t you hear the songs about the crownless kings?
 

 They are but stories to you.
 

 They are my bones.
 My gums and jaws.
 And all that blood.
 

 You mutter.
 You sputter.
 You stutter. 
 

 What a waste.
 

 I spread my wings,
 I turn my face to the moon,
 and I lung forward.
 

 Never looking back.
 

 I need peace,
 this world is to loud.
 

 Your boots crunch the leaves into dust.
 Your harsh sighs scare the sparrows away.
 Your reverberating platitude make the stars fade.
 

 Tiptoes, 
 Whispers,
 Truth.
 

 This is what I seek.
 

 How can I ever be yours?
 

 When I belong to myself.
 When I belong to God.
 When I still belong to the wind….
 

 That blows,
 Carries me
 Throws me away.
 

 Like a discarded page.
 Like a decaying leaf.
 Like a soft feather.
 

 Forever untamable. 
 Forever unavailable. 
 Forever unreachable.
 

 Eternally alone. 

11/10/19 23:50

Sweet little mirage,
 

 I wish I could hold you.
 I wish I could love you.
 I wish I could hear you.
 

 I know you think you want to love me.
 

 All sweet
 All strong.
 All dewy.
 

 You believe in this,
 But I don’t.
 

 Sweet little mirage.
 

 I should shoo you away.
 I should send you away.
 I should push you away.
 

 But I’m so cold.
 But I’m so tired.
 But I’m so lonely.
 

 I just want to dance with you.
 I just want to talk with you.
 I just want to be held by you.
 

 And melt in your embrace.
 

 Until blood flows again in my veins.
 Until  oxygen course through my body again.
 Until my cells are given a new life once more.
 

 And I can go back to the way.
 

 The winding way.
 The maddening way.
 The only way.
 

 Which is not yours.
 

 Sweet little mirage,
 Look around you,
 

 Sun scorched sand,
 Wind swept dunes,
 Scorpions riddled darkness. 
 

 This isn’t a place for you.
 This isn’t a haven for me.
 This isn’t a life for us.
 

 There cannot be an us. 
 

 I know your throat is parched with bitterness.
 I know your eyes are dried with sadness.
 I know your lips are blistered by loneliness.
 

 But what you see is
 

 An enchantress in the woods.
 A mermaid in the deep sea.
 A black hole in the heart of a galaxy. 
 

 Go back,
 Go back 
 Before it’s too late. 
 

 Don’t follow me,
 

 As I run from you.
 As I fly from you.
 As I escape from you.
 

 Oh how I wish you could hold me!
 Oh how I wish you could tell me you love me!
 Oh how I wish you could be my safe haven!
 

 But my sweet mirage,
 

 I will hurt you.
 I will break you.
 I will leave you.
 

 I already belong to someone else…
 

 So before you become a castle of sand. 
 So before you become a refreshing oasis.
 So before you become a deep well.
 

 All for me.
 

 Let me go.
 

 Forego
 Forgive
 Forget.
 

 For me…. 

11/10/19

I was born in the woods,
 

 Berry stained lips,
 Twigs adorned hair,
 Rain bedewed cheeks.
 

 I took my first step in the mountains,
 

 Rock bruised knees.
 Pine fragrant skin.
 Torrent frozen feet.
 

 And down the valley,
 Into the city.
 To reality,
 

 I lost my way.
 
 Trying to hear the birdsong.
 Trying to understand the story of the moon.
 Trying to find my way back to the wild.
 

 And then, the wind blew hard…
 

 I lost my footing.
 I lost my direction.
 I lost my name.
 

 I was his.
 But he was never mine.
 

 Under the full moon,
 In the clearing of a forest,
 By a roaring campfire,
 

 I found a sisterhood of women
 I found a sisterhood of the untamed
 I found a sisterhood of wolves. 
 

 Their words were like balms.
 Their heart songs were like a spark.
 Their wisdom was like a revelation.
 

 A reminder.
 A recalling.
 A return….
 

 To my own wild self.
 

 I cried and dried their tears.
 I laughed and heard them laugh. 
 I roared and they roared with me.
 

 The moon waxed and waned.
 The leaves grew and fell.
 The great tit sang and left.
 

 It was time to leave.
 

 I kept on walking until their voices were like whispers.
 I kept on walking until their faces were like dreams.
 I kept on walking until their words were branded in my soul.
 

 In the silence,
 I could hear myself again.
 

 In the darkness,
 I could see myself again.
 

 In the stillness,
 I could move myself again.
 

 Dance
 Walk 
 And swim. 
 

 I found the ocean. 
 

 The waves beckoning me.
 The blue color soothing me.
 The sand pulling me in. 
 

 And I swam. 
 

 My hair like the nets of a mermaid.
 My skin finally cleared of all those wounds. 
 My limbs stretching and growing.
 

 When I came out of the water,
 

 Dark long tangled hair like seaweed,
 Covered in blue from ankles to wrist, 
 Pushed forward by the waves,
 

 I was reborn.
 

 Short golden halo,
 Red lips,
 Sparkly finger.
 

 I went on.
 

 Aimlessly.
 Hopelessly,
 Tiredelessly. 
   
 A bird dropped a feather in my hair,
 A constellation drew a figure in the sky.
 A message in a bottle told me a story,
 

 Oh what a wonderful story. 
 

 A tale that could feed many lonely nights.
 A tale that could delight a tired heart.
 A tale that could show a new path.
 

 Full of dreams,
 Full of birds,
 and full of hopes,
 

 I found her again….
 

 That girl you never knew.
 That girl I never forgot.
 That girl I always longed for.
 

 Rosy cheeked,
 Mud splattered feet,
 Sparkly deep eyes.
 

 Oh she is back!
 

 Look at how she dances.
 Look at how she sings.
 Look at what she writes.
 

 You may never return.
 There may never be another.
 But I have her, but I have me.
 

 And so many songs in he death of night.
 And so many stories at every turning.
 And so many dreams in every sunset.
 

 Did you think you were the only dream I had?
 

 Oh you didn’t,
 You never thought about me… Did you?
 

 But I believed…
 

 You were the path I had to thread.
 You were a dream come true. 
 You were a story beyond stories.
 

 And now I just shrug.
 And now I just look up.
 And now I just spin.
 

 Around and around.
 

 There’s hope in my step.
 There are sparks in my thoughts.
 There are stories in my fingertips.
 

 I write and write.
 

 From the woods,
 To the mountains,
 To the sea….
 

 — and back to the woods. 
 

 Like the dance of the moon,
 Like the refrain of the seasons,
 Like the story of a drop of water. 
 

 Around and around.
 

 Like a dancer,
 Like a planet,
 Like a galaxy.
 

 All for a feather on my path.
 

 

10/10/19

I dreamt of the ocean again.
 

 The waves were soft and docile,
 The water was warm and inviting,
 The wind was dewy and gentle. 
 

 I was a girl once more.
 

 Dancing on the sand,
 With my cousins.
 

 Jumping in the water,
With my clothes on.
 

 Swimming in the ocean,
 With the frothy waves 
 

 How free I was.
 How easily I forgot.
 

 How they crash,
 Hush, hush.
 

 How I remain,
 How you left.
 

 The ocean is so far away now.
 

 But I can stil hear the waves rolling and crashing.
 But I can still feel the ocean breeze on my hair and face. 
 But I can still taste the tears on my lips of that never-ending dance.
 

 Perhaps,
 It’s just the wind.
 

 Perhaps,
 It’s just a memory.
 

 Perhaps,
 It’s just a dream.
 

 Hush,
 Watch….
 

 How they come,
 And how they leave.
 

 How they kiss,
And how they embrace.
 

 How they run to you,
 And run from you.
 

 Close your eyes
 And listen.
 

 Here now,
 Gone now.
 

 The seagull,
 The albatross,
 And the heron.
 

 Open your eyes.
 And it’s too late.
 

 I already left.
 I already melted
 I already lost my way. 
 

 And the waves, 
 The waves…
 

 Like echoes of a forgotten song.
 Like pebbles of a forgotten trip.
 Like hopes of a forgotten dream.
 

 Waves upon waves,
 Billow upon billow,
 Tsunami upon tsunami.
 

 Never wondering,
 About the aftermath,
 About the consequences. 
 

 And the destruction. 
 

 Ever coming,
 And leaving,
 And returning.
 

 Echoing,
 Forever,
 Echoing….
 

 That dream.  

29/09/19

They ask me about what I write.
 

 I sigh
 I shrug.
 and I lie.
 

 If I told them the truth
 

 Their eyes would be full of pity.
 Their mouths will be full of contempt.
 Their forehead will be full of incomprehension.
 

 Truth is, 
 

 I don’t understand it either.
 

 There’s a voice in the breeze,
 There’s silhouette in the woods 
 There’s a name on the wall.
 

 Always the same.
 

 Some write,
 

 Love is a mental affliction.
 Love is a learned behavior.
 Love is a comforting habit.
 

 Flat
 Empty
 Sterile.
 

 What is love?
 

 A plot for an otherwise boring novel?
 A ploy to sell more chocolates and roses?
 A gimmick to give meaning to commercial songs?
 

 Is it something I made up,
 To make my sunset glow?
 

 Is it something I dreamt up,
 To make my morning melodious?
 

 Is it something I twisted up,
 To make my nights magical?
 

 Ungraspable,
 Unreachable,
 Unbearable,
 

 Especially since you remain unseen.
 

 Where?
 How?
 Why?
 

 Madness.
 Foolishness.
 Childishness.
 

 Let me write a theory about this disorienting wave.
 Let me analyzes this delicious polarity.
 Let me write a poem about this sinking elation.
 

 Good Lord, girl, don’t be silly. 
 
undefined
 They ask me about what I write.
 

 I sigh.
 I shrug.
 And I smile…
 

 Love,
 I always write about love. 

25/09/19

 There is ice in my veins 
 There are ashes on my lips 
 There are pebbles in my eyes
 

 for all men but one.
 

 Indifferent,
 Detached,
 strong as hell…
 

 I’m always on the run.
 

 Why settle?
 Why bother?
 Why oh why?
 

 I’m over this.
 

 Careful
 Composed
 Controlled.
 

 How do you do it?
 They ask.
 

 Inside
 the galaxies are revolving.
 

 Inside
 the wind is bellowing.
 

 Inside,
 the girl is howling.
 

 and fighting.
 and singing.
 and dancing.
 

 Free
 Feral 
 Fiery.
 

 Crazy.
 
undefined

 But my face remains smooth.
 But my voice never wavers .
 But my stance never crumbles.
 

 This one with sweet words
 

 make my heart skip a beat.
 make my eyes swim
 make my soul sink.
 

 In the remote wood let me remain.
 In the alpine crest let me remain 
 In the sleepy creek let me remain.
 

 Unseen.
 Unspoken to.
 Untouched by heartbreak.
 

 Far from any of them,
 Only with your ghost.
 

 Maybe I’m already dead.
 Maybe I’m already rusted.
 Maybe I’m already scattered. 
 

 Why else would I remain basking in a memory 
 

 and running away
 and scattering away 
 and blowing away 
 

 as soon as someone approches.
 

 I could melt
 I could enwrap 
 I could open my heart.
 

 But I don’t.
 

 Never,
 ever
 ever.
 

 Unless it’s you.
 
 

23/09/19

One droplet,
Two droplets
And here comes the rain.

Can you smell it?

The earth is singing.
The soil is humming.
The ground is crooning.

Oh so soft
so gentle.
so fierce.

and I raise my arms to the sky
and I swirl like a celestial body
and I feel my feet leaving the earth.

and I sing too

At the top of my lungs.
From the depth of my soul.
To the pain in my heart.

If only I were a bird.

Like the wise and brave hoopoe
Like the terrified but brave goldfinch
Like the disillusioned but brave owl .

I would fly without flailing  like they did…

Until I found you.
But will I ever find you?

Perhaps you were only the path.
Perhaps you were only the question.
Perhaps you were only the awakener.

To a higher path.
To a nobler oath.
To a brighter thirst.

To the One I belong to.

And yet you linger.
Like a feather in my lashes.

And yet you whisper.
Like a scent against my lips.

And yet, you always return,
Like autumns breezing against my back.

But I turn around,
You are gone.

What should I do, dear?

When they come to me,
with their hearts in their hands.

When they come to me,
with their confessions on their lips.

When they come to me,
with their sincerity on their cheeks…

I run.
I run away.

I run into the hazy woods.
I run to the crumbling summit.
I run to the ever tumbling sea.

But I never find you.
You are gone.

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And I remain alone.

Dancing without music,
Waiting without hoping,
Hoping without thinking.

Never think, dear, never think.
Lest you wake up your own destruction.

Rationality.
Lucidity.
Reason.

I swing them away.
I minstrel them away.
I dream them away.

Until I find my never-never land again.
Until I find your silhouette in the glimmer.
Until I find peace in this tale I spin.

21/09/19 15:00

 The hearth is glowing
 The water is boiling
 The cat is purring.
 

 Are you ready to come back home?
 

 Some said the war is over.
 Others wrote the war is just starting.
 All sighed and trembled.
 

 Where are you now dear?
 

 I can’t touch you.
 I cant reach you.
 I can’t breathe you.
 

 I ask for a dream so that I can 
 

 Embrace you.
 Hold you.
 Keep you safe. 
 

 But no dreams come anymore.
 

 You are truly lost in the mist.
 You are truly engulfed in the sea.
 You are truly burred within yourself.
 

 You pulled up your boots.
 You pulled down your shirt.
 And you closed the door.
 

 Where, where are you?
 How, how are you?
 When, when will you return?
 

 The wind follows your gait.
 The tempest covers your footsteps.
 The rain puddle up your path.
 

 You cannot be found.
 You will not be found.
 

 As I close the door,
 Pour the tea,
 and stoke up the fire,
 

 I remind myself :
 

 You’re the one who left.
 You’re the one who choose to leave.
 You’re the one who chose to never speak of it.
 

 I’m the one who chose 
 

 To keep the light on.
 To keep the songs up.
 To keep the fire…
 

 Until you return.
 

 No promises,
 You always keep your promises.
 

 No letter,
 You never write back.
 

 No sign of life,
 You never come back.
 

 And yet,
 
 The breeze in the golden foliage,
 The yellow tit on the branch,
 The squirrel by the pond,
 
 told me you will.
 

 And I believe,
 I must believe.
 Shouldn’t I… believe?
 

 Tell me.
 

 This is a true dream, 
 This is a true promise,
 This is a true hope,
 

 Isn’t it true?