I don’t want a new dress
I don’t want a new face
I don’t want a new love
New is unknown.
New is foreign.
New is tiresome.
I want to be known.
I want to know.
To know without words.
I want to slip in a warm home.
I want to slip in a familiar bed.
I want to drift in familiar woods.
I dream of them…
The ghost who slipped through my fingers
The ghost who slit open my heart
The ghosts who could only linger;
Never stay.
Who are those strangers?
Stranger to my heart.
Who are those foreigners?
Foreigner to my heart.
Who are those intruders?
Intruders to my heart.
Can’t let them know.
Can’t let them in.
Can’t let them stay.
Tired rain-heavy roses
Scattering scattering
Lolling lolling.
Fading fading.
Is it too late?
Is it too soon?
Patience
Peace.
Prayer.
My lips move
Wordlessly.
My wings move
Flightlessly
My heart moves
Restlessly.
Love always sputters out
Love always springs out
Love always sprouts out.
Ivy on crumbly towers
Roses on crumbly gates
Daisies on crumbly lands.
Life and Love
Love and Life.
Lush leaves glistering
Thick sap sputtering
Unseen fungi sprouting.
What is old springs new life.
New life springs from the old.
But none of those strangers are you.
And yet,
I must embrace the new season.
And yet,
I must embrace the new songs.
And yet,
I must embrace the new awakening.
We are made of atoms
We are made of sighs
We are made of particles
of the same stars
of the same rocks
of the same earth
And perhaps,
That spark
That glint
That echo
could be found in another.
For when we love the moon,
We love reflected light.
For when we love lakes,
We love reflected light.
For when we love others
We love reflected Light.
And in that Light
We are forever entwined
We are forever found
We are forever united.
And perhaps my prayers
become gems
become roses
become warmth
bestowed on you.
And you know you are not forgotten.
And you know you are not unloved.
And you know you are not hated.
And you know…
As God decrees.
As God allows.
As God enables.
Too warm for autumn,
Too cold for spring,
I am like a lost tree leaf.
Is it time?
Or is it too late?
The golden season cannot be denied.
The golden moment cannot be denied.
The golden feelings cannot be denied,
A robin told me.
I heard him
I felt him
I beckoned him,
As if as I was trying to see the first signs.
Of a decaying season
Of a bursting season
Of a mournful season,
I heard a soft sigh.
Oh I recognized you
Oh I beheld you
Oh I found you,
My old friends.
You were shy in spring.
You were hidden in summer,
You have returned in autumn.
To keep my winter days colorful.
The first time you came,
I heard your words.
The next time you came,
I saw your gleaming heart.
This time you came,
I saw your earnest gaze.
The teacher told me
Let yourself be seen.
Let yourself be felt.
Let yourself be heard.
And they will come to you.
The robin breathed a serenade,
The great tit bestowed a trill.
The squirrel threw a greeting.
And the garden was filled with leaves
And the forest was filled with colors
And nature was filled with life.
Oh the fragrance of the last autumn rose!
Softer than spring,
Deeper than summer,
And so delicate…
Thriving in last nights’ tempest.
Growing in last nights’ cold.
Sweetening last nights’ bitterness.
My sweet.
My miracle,
My hope.
Does this deep peace in my heart trickles from you?
Does this deep joy in my heart trickles from you?
Does this deep love in my heart trickles from you?
Are you finally at peace, my love?
Are we both wrapped,
Are we both protected,
Are we both inter-rooted
Together,
In our Creator’s peace.
In our Creator’s glow
In our Creator’s love?
Tell me,
without a word
without a click
without a quote.
Tell me,
with a glance,
with a smile,
with a grasp.
Tell me.
To the sparrow
In the morning,
I trust you.
To the violets
In the spring,
I trust you.
To the wandering knight,
In the night,
I trust you.
To my Lord,
In every heartbeat,
I trust you.
To love a flickering feather
To love a withering flower,
To love a wayfaring stranger,
Is to trust.
Trust,
that you will return.
that you will bloom.
that you will stay.
And how do I trust my Creator?
In trusting His Timing,
In trusting His Planning,
In trusting His creatures.
The windows are open,
Curtain billowing.
The doors are open,
Candles flickering.
The arms are open,
Heart fluttering.
Do I trust you?
Do I love you?
Do I believe you?
You,
who is gone but remain.
who is there but is here.
who is with me but with her.
But does she even exist?
Or, is she a creature of my fear?
Or, is she your open exit door?
Or, is she a passing stranger?
The wind roars and roars.
The house sighs and sighs.
The lone girl sings and sings.
The woods are empty now.
The night is empty now.
The road ahead is empty now.
The friends,
The lover,
The future
are swept away.
Like golden crunchy leaves,
Like barely ripped acorn,
Like forgotten soft feathers-
The path only remains.
Off and on,
I must go.
Up and down,
I must go.
High and low,
I must go.
But must I flee alone?
But must I sleep alone?
But must I weep alone?
Always alone.
Belonging to none.
Belonging to myself.
Belonging to my Lord.
My Lord,
My Cherisher,
My Creator,
Where must I go?
I never aimed to be a statue.
I never aimed to be an exemplar.
I never aimed to be a banner.
I just wished for arms to hold me.
I just wished for a home to behold.
I just wanted children to hold.
Hold and held.
To be held and to hold.
So very human.
So very natural.
So very simple.
And yet,
Forever out of reach.
For the girl lost on the path.
For the girl lost in the mist.
For the girl lost in the marshes.
Will he find her?
The knight who had to leave?
The king who had to grow?
The seeker who had to find?
Or will he go on…
To another dream.
To another chase.
To another marsh.
Does he know that what he fears
Follows him.
Holds him.
Shapes him.
And he cannot
Shake it.
Lose it.
Break it.
Without facing his dark night.
My love,
My knight,
My sparrow,
I trust you…
To embrace that pain.
To pierce that pain.
To overcome that pain.
And rise again…
And rise,
And fly,
And soar…
Until we meet again.
My mind is a forest
Boundless,
Ever growing.
Ever tangling.
My mind is a house,
deathless,
Ever glowing
Ever warm.
My mind is a lake
Dauntless,
Ever glimmering,
Ever moving.
I wander from tree to tree.
I wander from room to room.
I wander from coast to coast.
Where did you go?
Beyond the house,
Beyond the forest,
Beyond the lake,
Into the deep blue sea.
Into the cold black sea.
At first,
There was a crescent moon,
To guide me.
Then,
There was a full moon,
to blind me.
And now,
There’s a winning moon,
failling me.
My arms are sore,
My feet are frozen,
My eyes are burning.
I cannot last longer.
Where did you go?
There’s a trickle on my cheek.
There’ a sickle in my eyes
There’s a ripple on the lake.
And a voice telling me,
I don’t want you to follow me.
I don’t want you to care for me.
I don’t want you to love me.
My mouth is full of salt,
My mouth is full of water,
My mouth is full of bitterness.
Dearest,
Do you think a human being can control her heart?
Maybe you do…
Yours is hidden in a high tower.
Yours is hidden in a lost island.
Yours is hidden in a wild ocean.
That no one can cross.
Only fools venture to those waves.
Only lovers venture through the silence.
Only madwomen venture to that darkness.
But look through my eyes….
Beyond the waves I see peace.
Beyond the silence I see smiles.
Beyond the darkness I see a flicker.
Is it a candle?
Is it a star?
Is it a wildfire?
Burning and burning.
Like my heart,
Like my mind,
Like my hope.
And all I want is to…
Dance until I fall.
Sing until I falter.
Swim until I drown.
Lost in the motion
Lost in the emotion.
Lost in the ocean.
Lost but willing to be found.
July 2021
The mermaid slept
tangled in the pirate’s arms.
The fearless ranger slept,
entwined in the werewolf’s arms.
The elven princess slept,
curled into her knight’s arms.
Morning came,
And they were once more separated
with a screen
with kilometres
with silence.
The galleon left the deep sea.
The wolf left his hide in the forest.
The knight left the castle in his heart..
He goes through his day never knowing,
A fairy plays in his beard.
A naiad swim in his tears.
A huma flies in his daydreams.
Wherever she goes she can
See a feather spiralling to her.
Hear a bird beckoning to her.
Feel a flutter of wings next to her.
And how she smiles!
Is he smiling too?
And how she hopes!
Is he hoping too?
And she prays!
Is he praying too?
How can she know when
All she has are dreams.
All she has are words.
All she has are images.
To touch from your fingertips.
To hear from your ears.
To feel from your lips.
Who is your lover?
Although
Your hearts
Your minds
Your souls
have already met.
A long long time ago.
When all was One.
When all was none.
And we promised together,
And we witnessed together,
And we learned together,
The destination of our course.
Let me try,
Let them send armies,
Let them use reason.
As we call for the protection of Our Creator
There’s a rose growing on this tree.
White
Bedwed
Blushing.
The tired weather beaten oak says
Get away.
Climb away.
Scatter away,
I am rotten inside.
I am ever uprooted.
I am never growing.
One thorn nestles against his barlk.
One petal falls to his roots
One stem reaches for his branch.
The hopeful ever blushing rose whisper
Your trunk is pure.
Your roots are fragrant.
Your branches reach for the stars.
He bristles,
She shivers.
Her seasons come and go,
scattering petals.
His seasons come and go,
scattering leaves.
And acorns
that nestle against her roots.
Furious winds,
Blistering cold,
Deafening rains,
And yet she still clings to him.
And yet he still draws her closer.
How long has it been?
How many years has it been?
How many springs has it been?
Long enough,
Too long,
Yet not long enough.
Another bruise blossom
Another sweet fragrance
Another soft caress.
Another branch,
Tall and strong.
Another leaf,
Light and vibrant.
Another lenticel,
Deep and thirsty.
So thirst…
For that blossom.
For that fragrance.
For that caress.
To feel human again.
To feel held again.
To feel real again.
And love…
03/04/21
There is the desire to plunge,
There is the desire of the abyss,
There is the desire of the darkness.
Just forget it.
Just let it rot.
Just let it dry.
Why even bother?
Oh but there’s also a scent.
From a flower,
both familiar yet exotic.
Oh but there’s also a song.
From a voice,
both familiar yet foreign.
Oh but there’s a hope.
From a name,
Both familiar yet outlandish.
All mingled,
All intertwined,
All melting.
Into a single burst.
Is it divine love?
Your branches are too heavy,
to carry me.
Your core is too hollow,
to hold me.
Your stem is too thin,
to find me.
But your roots are so deep…
Under the cool darkness,
Under the cover of dreams,
Under the rich canopy of life,
Our souls meet,
Our hearts beat,
Our souls merge.
I am not strong either.
My wings are tired,
My song is wavering.
My flight is halted.
How to go?
Where to go?
When to go?
Must I leave?
I ask the ever glimmering stars.
I ask the ever roaring winds.
I ask the ever rising sun.
What would they know?
I turn inward,
I turn upward,
I turn, turn and turn Home.
Hush,
Let me listen.
Heart,
Soul,
Time,
Hush,
Let me listen.
Deep,
deep in the night.
Late,
late in the tide.
Far,
far away from you.
There’s a mournful cry.
There’s a longing plea.
There’s a soft surrender.
What is spoken to a heart,
What is poured in a soul,
What is etched in a mind,
from Above,
Cannot be explained.
Cannot be written.
Cannot be rhymed.
And yet I try.
The waves crash over us.
The mountains rise over us.
The dust storms rise over us.
And there’s only one thought…
I must hold on to that branch.
I must hold on to that hope.
I must hold on to that song.
Oh they rage,
those squalls.
Oh they rage,
those thoughts.
Oh they rage,
those hours.
But I hold on…
Losing my feathers,
Losing my direction,
Losing my tune,
Have I lost it?
Yet,
All tempest must end…
And tomorrow,
I will pour my love to your heart.
And tomorrow,
We will pray from our soul and heart.
And tomorrow,
We will watch those flowers blossom in our heart.
For,
that garden belongs to both of us
For,
those prayers belong to both of us.
For,
that heart belong to both of us.
You & me.
Me & you.
Us.
There’s no turning back, isn’t it?
Layla Ali Sultan 