The garden tells a story
The woods give us wisdom
Nature shows us signs
When the cherries start to drop down
Garlics must be pulled up
St John’s wort will be harvested away.
Summer solstice.
And the robin returns.
And the tits revolve.
And the day stand still.
Longest day.
And I understand
Even if time stands still
it must pass.
Even if the sun burns me
It will fade.
Even if the heat melts me.
I will prevail.
How ethereal is that summer sunset,
Pure gold.
How gentle is that growing shade,
Safe harbour.
How delicious is that evening breeze,
True embrace.
As cliché as it sounds,
all seasons must pass.
As cliché as it sounds,
all joys must pass.
As cliché as it sounds,
all griefs must pass.
On and on.
That ever revolving cycle.
That ever growing tree.
That ever spinning planets.
On and on.
Until the end is decreed by the One.
Look at them,
How they spin through the darkness!
Look at them,
How they grow and scatter through the fields!
Look at them,
How they bloom and whither through the world!
The wonder
The awe
The joy
that keeps on going.
Ever whirling,
Like fleeting seasons.
Ever growing,
Like enduring moss
Ever glimmering,
Like distant stars.
We keep on going.
Don’t give me luscious roses,
if you’re not going to stay.
Don’t give me pretty words,
if you’re not going to stay.
Don’t give me high hopes,
if you’re not going to stay.
My heart is a tower
My heart is a mountain
My heart is a galaxy
Unreachable
Some like to climb mountains
to claim them.
Some like to destroy towers,
to conquer them.
Some like to blast galaxies,
to erase them.
Try as they might,
my heart keeps on beating.
It doesn’t beat for me.
It doesn’t beat for them.
It beats our her Creator.
But you see…
The little girl is starting to get lost
The young woman is staring to lose it.
This woman is starting to become tired.
So tired.
I wish I could rest on that shoulder.
I wish I could rest against that chest.
I wish I could rest between these hands.
Would I be safe enough?
But it isn’t for me to decide.
My life,
Your life,
Our destinies
Are not in our hands.
Don’t bring me roses
If you cannot hear my voice
If you cannot feel my soul
If you cannot get my drift.
Do not send me texts
No, good mornings.
No, good nights,
No, cute emojis;
If you are as light as a leaf blown away.
My roots go deep,
My trunk is thick,
My branches reach high…
High
Higher
and higher
Flies my soul;
Unreachable
Untameable
Unreadable
Liked a bird.
Say what you want
Do what you must
Go where you go.
I shall keep on rising.
I dreamt that moment
so many times
I prayed for that moment
so many times
I imagined that moment
so many times.
Curtain lifting
Dawn breaking
Mists rising
You & me
Me & you.
Face to face,
Voice to voice,
Smile to mile.
But you are silent
But you are deaf
But you are gone
And I’m still here.
Loving myself
Holding myself
Keeping myself
Yet, still, yearning for you.
Yet, still, hoping for you.
Yet, still, longing for you.
For you,
Love is longing.
For you,
Love is pain.
For you,
Love is distance.
And I am gone, now.
What I wished
What I hoped
What I craved
Wasn’t to be.
God knows best.
And I wish to love Him
more than you.
And I wish to trust Him
more than myself.
And I wish to find Him
more than a lover.
God knows best.
That man isn’t you.
He spoke like you.
He wrote like you.
He weaved like you.
Pretty words
Pretty prayers
Pretty feelings.
Matching his words with deeds
Unlike you.
Keeping his words light
Unlike you.
Respecting me with his words
Unlike you.
I wish i could write an elegy for you.
But you are still living,
There’s still hope for you.
And for me?
There’s possibility
There’s hope
There’s tomorrow.
Without you
My heart,
breaking
hoping
striving
Without you.
There’s something my mind knows
that my heart cannot understand.
There’s something my heart knows
that my mind cannot understand.
I look for words
I look for colours
I look for chords
To string together
Those petals
Those feathers
Those tears
And make a necklace
And make a crown
And make a wreath.
I cannot speak any more
I cannot write any more
I cannot sing any more
Without chocking
Without stumbling
Without crying…
Lover of words
Weaver of words
Breather of words
What do I do when words fail me?
I go on
I breathe on
I write on.
This is how I’ve always lived
Before that dark forest
Before that deep chasm
Before that bitter night.
And dawn still comes
And birds still sing.
And flowers still bloom.
There’s something my mind knows
that my heart cannot understand.
There’s something my heart knows
that my mind cannot understand.
So I stay awake
So I stay at war.
So I stay aware…
Of that deep pool of pain.
Of that deep drop of despair.
Of that deep trickling trail.
And I turn to my Creator.
The One that I loved,
before him.
The One that I still love,
after him.
Patience,
Patience,
Patience always.
Perhaps I am not made for Your creatures.
Perhaps I am not made for human beings.
Perhaps I am not made for human love.
Oh I can love,
Your creation.
Oh I can nurture,
Your creation.
Oh I can hold,
Your creation.
But my heart
But my soul
But my wings
Remain my own.
There’s something my mind knows
that my heart cannot understand.
There’s something my heart knows
that my mind cannot understand.
An illusion
A dream
A chimera
that faded as soon as I touched it.
It made me long for,
It made me believe,
It made me hope for,
A soul that understood mine,
A heart that felt mine,
A path that became mine.
Leaving me seeking
Leaving me thirsting
Leaving me burning
For something that never existed.
Why did you trouble my peace?
Why did you break my solitude?
Why did you steal my song?
To scatter me away before my roses could bloom?
Reminding me once more,
That I do not belong here.
That I do not belong to them.
That I only belong to the One.
Some say,
Time is a straight line
Heading for a crash.
Time is a swirl,
Heading for a spin.
Time is a spiral,
Heading for the centre.
Some faces return
Some stories return
Some heartaches return
On and on
Until I know
Until I see
Until I am free.
How many times have I met you?
Never the same age.
Never the same lineage.
Never the same line,
Yet the exact same eyes
Yet the exact same weakness
Yet the exact same boy.
Beyond the man I encounter
The little boy finds me in my dreams
The wizened stranger finds me in my dreams.
The mighty teacher finds me in my dreams.
My stalwart heart,
My brave heart,
My gentle heart,
Loves beyond bounds.
Love beyond words.
Loves beyond reason.
Yet love is never enough
For the unloved child
For the untaught child
For the undone child
Until he loves his own self.
I always mistake you for a lover
I always mistake you for a healer
I always mistake you for a keeper
When you are only here for healing.
I am not yours.
You are not mine.
But in this moment
But in this life
But in this blink
You found me.
I found you.
For a reason that I cannot know.
For a reason that you cannot know.
Only God knows.
Always the same lost boy
Always the same lovelorn boy
Always the same languishing boy
Save me
Love me
Hold me.
But I am not your mother.
But you are not my son.
I mistook you for the love of my life.
I mistook you for the love of my eternity.
I mistook you for the love of my dreams.
And gave you the keys,
To my heart,
To my tower,
To my soul.
And you broke
And you tore
And you core
Like only a child can.
Give me
See me.
Take me.
And I shall never give you anything in return
But tears
But pain
But scars.
I know the song that plays in your heart.
I was hurt
Hurt them
I was forgotten
Forget them
I was neglected
Neglect them
And watch the pain in their eyes.
Child,
Boy,
You,
Do you know what I can teach you?
For every hurt,
here’s a rose.
For every tears,
here’s a prayer.
For every scar,
here’s a light.
The circle can be broken
The cycle can be broken
The chain can be broken
Into petals
Into tinsel
Into gems.
Go.
You are forgiven.
No ifs,
No buts,
No in spites.
You are forgiven.
Too heavy,
Too heady,
Too fiery,
You are forgiven.
Until the pain flares up again.
Until the memories rise up again.
Until the sadness choke me up again.
But I will see the sad child again
But I will see the lost boy again
But I will see the broken infant again
And forgive you once more.
To you,
your path.
To me,
my path.
For us,
our drifting paths.
Infatuation
Infiltration
Intrusion
Deceived me.
I lost my footing,
I lost my wings,
I lost my way…
Or so I thought.
How does one see in pitch dark?
How does one feel in searing pain?
How does one know in deep silence?
Unable to move.
Unable to walk.
Unable to fly
I waited.
In spite of the dark
In spite of the pain
In spite of the silence
I knew You hadn’t left me.
As I regain my sight,
As I regain my senses,
As I regain my hearing…
I first saw those familiar faces.
I first saw those familiar feathers.
I first saw those familiar flames.
I first felt my soft skin shiver.
I first felt the soft leaves shiver.
I first felt those soft petals shiver.
I first heard my heart beat.
I first heard my birds sing.
I first heard them call my name.
Who were they?
Those who knew me.
Those who seek me.
Those who loved me…
And never left.
Like a cat jumping on my lap,
Like a mother looking for my smile.
Like a friend asking me to hear my voice.
And as they drew me close,
I drew closer to You.
This is what love is…
Not blinding passion
Not destructive desire.
Not desperate need.
Love is warm, like waves.
Love is constant, like sunrises.
Love is gentle, like feathers.
It’s Your embrace.
It’s Your solace.
It’s Your light.
And I never lost it…
I had just fallen in that well.
Like Prophet Joseph.
I had just fallen into that fish,
Like Prophet Jonas.
I had just fallen in that grief,
Like Prophet Job.
But I am just a girl
But I am just a sparrow.
But I am just a violet.
Weak.
Insignificant
Forgotten.
You are the roots that keep me upright.
You are the sap that keeps me thriving.
You are the sunshine that keeps me living.
You are all that keeps me sane.
You are all that keeps me breathing.
You are all that keeps me flying.
When I have lost my feathers,
When I have lost my élan,
When I have lost my way.
You beckon me home to You.
With the love of Your creatures,
With the beauty of Your creation,
With the rhythm of Your words.
And I know now…
I had to descend into the abyss,
to find pearls and corals.
I had to climb to the torrent,
to find gems and minerals.
I had to swim in bitter waters,
to find wings and truth.
A storm to give me,
the right wind
A well to give me,
the right insight
A dark night to give me,
the right cover.
To spread my wings,
To open my heart,
To free my soul….
And turn to You.
And perhaps,
Grow closer
Dig deeper
Rise truer
On that path that leads home to You.
So many words,
So many dreams,
So many thoughts,
Utterly wasted.
Leaving me breathless
Leaving me lifeless
Leaving me wordless.
Leaving me.
I scratch my way out
I stumble my way out
I crawl my way out.
Out,
Out,
Out… where?
It’s barely May
The blue sky stretches infinitely
The mountains are bare and green
The path is dry and scalding….
Too much sun
Too much heat
Too much….
And yet,
Here are the acacias and the elders
Their sweet scent
Their white flags
Their gentle dance
And beyond them,
The winding path
The lush scrub
The cool woods.
Teeming with life,
Chittering with hope.
Moist with tears….
Tears of hope.
Tears of tiredness.
Tears of relief.
That part is over,
Isn’t it?
Thank God!
That new part is starting,
Isn’t it?
Thank God!
Nothing lasts,
Nothing lingers,
Nothing ends.
A strange yet strong truth.
And do you know what I will find beyond that scorching path?
And do you know what I will find beyond that dark forest?
And do you know what I will find beyond that quiet solitude?
A gate with briar roses,
A garden with tea roses.
A table with roses and a tea.
And laughter,
And coolness,
And gentleness.
Peace,
at last.
Relief,
At last.
Hope,
At last.
A few more steps,
A few more toils,
A few more days,
And I will know…
And I will grow…
And I will soar…
Until then,
I keep my peace,
I keep my hope,
I keep my garden…
Full of daisies,
Full of cherries
Full of fairies…
And so many roses…
Petals as soft as my thoughts.
Scent as sweet as my hopes.
Gleaming as steadily as my faith.
You were attracted to the light
You were attracted to the attention
You were attracted to the love
I gave freely.
You were thirsty
for tenderness.
You were starving,
for warmth.
You were dying,
for compassion.
One drop wasn’t enough.
One well wasn’t enough,
One ocean wasn’t enough.
A wild tumultuous ocean
A gentle caressing ocean,
A fragile pure ocean.
But you took,
And you took,
And took.
Until the ocean was dry…
Seaweeds becoming fossils,
Waves becoming sandstorms,
A glistering mirror turning into dust
From the pearls you tore out of the shells,
From the nutrients you suck out of the fish,
From the songs you stole from the waves,
You found a new hunting ground.
Leaving that ocean
Dry,
Broken,
Forgotten.
Sorry,
Sorry,
Sorry…
Oh but that tide wasn’t my fault,
You misread the moon.
Oh but that tsunami, wasn’t my fault,
You mistook a shiver for a tremor.
Oh but those dry shores weren’t my fault,
You did it on your own.
Yes,
I gave too much.
Yes,
I gave from my abysses.
Yes,
I gave without asking for anything.
As you went hunting on higher grounds.
Tears turned into trickles.
Trickles into rivulets,
Rivulets into rivers…
Drop after drop,
Night after night,
Prayer after prayer,
My tides grew again.
There’s a secret you didn’t understand…
That light you craved,
Wasn’t my own.
That warmth you craved,
Wasn’t my own.
That love you craved,
Wasn’t my own.
It was but a reflection,
It was but a gift,
It was but a keepsake
From the One
Who fills my abysses
Who fills my heart,
Who fills my being,
Who makes my waves sparkle,
Who makes my expanse glow,
Who makes my depths deep.
He who gives life,
He who gives light,
He who gives nights
And that abundance
And that sustenance,
And that patience,
You still crave.
Tell me,
Lost forgotten mariner;
Tel me,
Lost little boy;
Tell me,
Lost empty seashell;
Don’t you know about your own ocean?
Close your eyes,
And listen.
Close your eyes,
And breathe.
Close your eyes,
And wait.
It is all in you…
What you long for,
What you die for,
What you hunt for,
It is in you.
You do not need to
charm it out
hunt it down
steal it away.
It is in you.
Find your key
Find your heart
Find your peace.
You just need to ask Him.
Honestly
Earnestly
Authentically.
No need to beg,
humans.
No need to steal,
from us.
No need to lie,
to others.
Turn to Him.
Warm and bitter coffee
Cheerful and nostalgic songbird
Quiet and energetic mornings,
I just go on.
I just keep on.
I just live on.
I simply am.
I simply exist.
I simply fill this space.
Not for you,
Not for the world,
Not even for me.
For the One.
I pick up the book where I left it.
I pick up the song where I left it.
I pick up the pen where I left it.
From where I left it all when you came along.
Is my story still the same?
Is my voice still the same?
Is my poem still the same?
Nothing ever remains.
Even ice must melt and reveal relics of the past.
Even sand must shift and reveal ruins of the past.
Even earth must crumble and reveal threads of the past.
Nothing can remain.
All grows
All withers
And all returns…
In another form.
What of that song I once heard in your silence?
Can I find it buried under that tree?
Can I find it buried in my roots?
Can I find it buried in my poems?
Must I leave it to grow again?
Must I uproot it before it grows again?
Must I leave it to blow, again?
They say weeds who survive the winter have stronger roots.
Difficult to uproot.
Difficult to unearth.
Difficult to dig out.
But what must be done,
Must be done.
Or else…
Think of the blistering cold,
of that winter.
Think of the howling anguish,
of that winter.
Think of the betraying ice,
of that winter,
What must be done,
Must be done.
Tear out the ivy,
Pull out the weeds,
Scatter away crumbling leaves,
So that the rose can bloom again.
There’s a world beyond carefully crafted words
There’s life beyond polished pretty pictures
There’s truth beyond hollow soft quotes
Wild woods teeming with life,
Lively gardens exhaling perfume.
Colorful boughs shivering with songs.
My garden has many
Seasons
Sounds
Moods.
Flowers come and go
Leaves grow and whither
Birds flit and fly.
Some leave
Some return
Some stay.
And there’s my friend…
With a bleeding heart
With a glowing heart
With a blushing heart.
He whispers
He sings
He tweets
According to the time of the day.
Perhaps he was born in that hedge.
Perhaps he was born in those woods.
Perhaps he was born in that horizon.
But he always returns.
Waxes and wanes.
according to the weather.
Sings and hums,
according to the time.
Lingers and hides,
according to his secret.
In the winter, he brings a colorful banner to the soft white snow.
In autumn he melts with the amber sunsets and golden leaves.
In spring he digs the rich fragrant soil and sings for all to hear.
He comes and go as he please.
For the lady of the woods,
He has a name
He has a language
He has a message.
Who can see?
Who can understand?
Who can decipher?
Ah! To understand the language of birds…
Like Saint Francis
Like Prophet David,
Like Prophet Solomon.
But my friend is not a
Flamboyant tardy hoopoe
Mythical hidden bird
Meek needy sparrow,
For, the hoopoe has many duties.
For, the simurgh has many legends,
For, the sparrow has many companions…
My robin has one flightpath
My robin has one song,
My robin has one lover…
And for many months,
And for many days,
And for many seasons,
He must wait.
He must sing.
He must retreat.
A bird to many,
He is my friend,
He is my charge,
He is my teacher.
He flew in my house,
And taught me letting go.
He disappears from my garden
And teaches me patience.
He will sing cheerful from my tree
And teach me joy.
As I dig and sow,
He whispers to me.
Like a child,
Like a distant poet,
Like a forgotten dream.
As I uproot and cut,
He beckons me,
Like a loyal friend,
Like a far off seer,
Like a passing thought.
As I gather and disseminate,
He cantillates at me,
Like a patient teacher
Like a wander hermit,
Like an evergreen hope.
Will he return?
God’s will.
Will he explain?
God’s will.
Will he stay?
God’s will.
What must be uprooted?
What must be planted?
What must be protected?
Who will tell me…
As I do not understand,
The language of birds.
The turn of the tide,
The pattern of the future.
All I know is what I am taught,
Gentle patience,
Soft resilience,
Joyful contentment.
Dear robin,
Let us sing together.
Let us wait together.
Let us hope together.
And pray.
Layla Ali Sultan 