Too warm for autumn,
Too cold for spring,
I am like a lost tree leaf.
Is it time?
Or is it too late?
The golden season cannot be denied.
The golden moment cannot be denied.
The golden feelings cannot be denied,
A robin told me.
I heard him
I felt him
I beckoned him,
As if as I was trying to see the first signs.
Of a decaying season
Of a bursting season
Of a mournful season,
I heard a soft sigh.
Oh I recognized you
Oh I beheld you
Oh I found you,
My old friends.
You were shy in spring.
You were hidden in summer,
You have returned in autumn.
To keep my winter days colorful.
The first time you came,
I heard your words.
The next time you came,
I saw your gleaming heart.
This time you came,
I saw your earnest gaze.
The teacher told me
Let yourself be seen.
Let yourself be felt.
Let yourself be heard.
And they will come to you.
The robin breathed a serenade,
The great tit bestowed a trill.
The squirrel threw a greeting.
And the garden was filled with leaves
And the forest was filled with colors
And nature was filled with life.
Oh the fragrance of the last autumn rose!
Softer than spring,
Deeper than summer,
And so delicate…
Thriving in last nights’ tempest.
Growing in last nights’ cold.
Sweetening last nights’ bitterness.
My sweet.
My miracle,
My hope.
Does this deep peace in my heart trickles from you?
Does this deep joy in my heart trickles from you?
Does this deep love in my heart trickles from you?
Are you finally at peace, my love?
Are we both wrapped,
Are we both protected,
Are we both inter-rooted
Together,
In our Creator’s peace.
In our Creator’s glow
In our Creator’s love?
Tell me,
without a word
without a click
without a quote.
Tell me,
with a glance,
with a smile,
with a grasp.
Tell me.
To just be a feather
To just be a butterfly
To just be a word
for the one you love.
To just be a fading distraction
To just be a faltering flame
To just be a flickering dream
for the one you love.
To just be a vivid nightmare
To just be a growing terror.
To just be a salt on his wound
for the one you love
Leaves me speechless.
Leaves me wordless.
Leaves me hopeless.
Featherless.
Wingless.
Flightless.
Like a ghost.
My love was a torrential rain.
My love was a sweeping tornado.
My love was a crushing wave.
For that gentle boy.
For that wounded soul.
For that wingless sparrow.
Is there a tear in your eyes.
Is there a tear in your heart.
Is there a tear in your words.
How would I know?
I’ve gone with the birds.
I’ve gone with the wind.
I’ve gone with the moon.
Leaving your to your own heart.
Leaving you to your own silence.
Leaving you to your own words.
Be at peace.
Be at ease.
Be free.
But don’t forget,
Some Birds return in spring.
Some winds return at night.
The moon wane and waxes-
Nothing is truly over.
Unless you decided it is.
He had sailed through many seas.
He had striven through many storms
He had braved through many nights.
Stalwart
Steadfast
Unsurpassed.
A king of the sea,
A knight of the night,
A master of his ship,
To all but himself.
They fear him,
They honor him,
They follow him.
He just drifts…
The storm rages,
The waves crash,
The night fades.
His crew is slumbering.
His ship is flailing.
The night is starting.
From the mists,
a song rises.
From the darkness,
a glimmer rises.
From the sea,
a maiden rises.
Her song beckons him.
Her hand beckons him.
Her eyes beckons him.
Come, come
lost mariner.
Come, come
lost pirate.
Come, come,
lost commander.
And he forgets,
His mother’s harsh warning.
His father’s stern warning.
His past’s iron warning.
What does he have to lose?
And she whispers in the wind
Words like trinkets
Feelings like gems
Thoughts like gold
Eternal love
True freedom
Tender companionship.
Before you came,
These waves were enough to fill my days.
These oceans were enough to fill my heart.
This horizon was enough to fill my soul.
He smiles
He cries,
and his heart dies.
In the deep night,
she swims to the heart of the ocean.
In the dark night,
she swims to find him some pearls.
In the sweet night,
she swims with joy and hope.
Dawn’s pale hues.
Dawn’s gentle waves.
Dawn’s eternal gold.
He is gone.
He couldn’t say yes.
He couldn’t say no.
He could only go.
Mermaids do not become froth.
Mermaids do not become faint.
Mermaids do not become afraid.
Creature of the sea,
They have a tempest in their hearts.
Creatures of the ocean,
They have an abyss of strength.
Creatures of the horizon,
They have an endless courage.
And she followed him.
Like a lovelorn lover,
Like a damned damsel,
Like a serenading siren.
Were there ravished princesses,
Were there damsels in distress
Were there sensuous pirate-ladies,
In his dreams?
In his eyes?
In his ports?
She couldn’t see…
She could only sing,
She could only swim,
She could only see….
What her heart showed her.
He was just a wanderer.
He was just a sea thief
He was just a lonely man.
She was the legend,
She was the myth
She was the fire.
Burning,
Burning,
Burning the abysses.
She saw nobility,
She saw righteousness
She was bravery,
Where there was only confusion.
He went on sailing,
Port to port.
She went on swimming,
Night to night.
He never looked back.
She never caught up.
To the sparrow
In the morning,
I trust you.
To the violets
In the spring,
I trust you.
To the wandering knight,
In the night,
I trust you.
To my Lord,
In every heartbeat,
I trust you.
To love a flickering feather
To love a withering flower,
To love a wayfaring stranger,
Is to trust.
Trust,
that you will return.
that you will bloom.
that you will stay.
And how do I trust my Creator?
In trusting His Timing,
In trusting His Planning,
In trusting His creatures.
The windows are open,
Curtain billowing.
The doors are open,
Candles flickering.
The arms are open,
Heart fluttering.
Do I trust you?
Do I love you?
Do I believe you?
You,
who is gone but remain.
who is there but is here.
who is with me but with her.
But does she even exist?
Or, is she a creature of my fear?
Or, is she your open exit door?
Or, is she a passing stranger?
The wind roars and roars.
The house sighs and sighs.
The lone girl sings and sings.
The woods are empty now.
The night is empty now.
The road ahead is empty now.
The friends,
The lover,
The future
are swept away.
Like golden crunchy leaves,
Like barely ripped acorn,
Like forgotten soft feathers-
The path only remains.
Off and on,
I must go.
Up and down,
I must go.
High and low,
I must go.
But must I flee alone?
But must I sleep alone?
But must I weep alone?
Always alone.
Belonging to none.
Belonging to myself.
Belonging to my Lord.
My Lord,
My Cherisher,
My Creator,
Where must I go?
I never aimed to be a statue.
I never aimed to be an exemplar.
I never aimed to be a banner.
I just wished for arms to hold me.
I just wished for a home to behold.
I just wanted children to hold.
Hold and held.
To be held and to hold.
So very human.
So very natural.
So very simple.
And yet,
Forever out of reach.
For the girl lost on the path.
For the girl lost in the mist.
For the girl lost in the marshes.
Will he find her?
The knight who had to leave?
The king who had to grow?
The seeker who had to find?
Or will he go on…
To another dream.
To another chase.
To another marsh.
Does he know that what he fears
Follows him.
Holds him.
Shapes him.
And he cannot
Shake it.
Lose it.
Break it.
Without facing his dark night.
My love,
My knight,
My sparrow,
I trust you…
To embrace that pain.
To pierce that pain.
To overcome that pain.
And rise again…
And rise,
And fly,
And soar…
Until we meet again.
Perched high up,
The wren,
The feather,
The acorn,
surveys the world of men and women.
Nations come and go.
Cities built and rebuilt.
People welcomed and unwelcomed.
How far they travel.
How high they build.
How deep they dig.
And yet,
When the times come,
They scatter.
They dwindle.
They vanish.
Here today, gone tomorrow.
Empires,
Nations,
Countries,
Manmade allegiances.
And how they kill,
And how they rape,
And how they pillage,
In the name of these banners.
We are what you are not.
You are what we are not.
Therefore we must kill.
How blood drenched
How jaw clenched,
How swords clanked
For a country.
Where do I belong?
Nor here, nor there.
Nor to you, nor to them.
Nor to myself, nor to the world.
To the path,
To the way,
To The Creator.
God.
They wave their flags.
They sing their anthems.
They weave their history.
I feel empathy.
I feel sympathy.
I feel apathy.
I am not yours.
I am not here.
I am not this.
I wish I did belong.
It would be easier.
It would be gentler.
It would be sweeter.
Instead,
I have each foot planted in a different soil.
I have each hand holding different trees.
I have each wings seeking a different horizon.
Must I belong anywhere?
My mind is a forest
Boundless,
Ever growing.
Ever tangling.
My mind is a house,
deathless,
Ever glowing
Ever warm.
My mind is a lake
Dauntless,
Ever glimmering,
Ever moving.
I wander from tree to tree.
I wander from room to room.
I wander from coast to coast.
Where did you go?
Beyond the house,
Beyond the forest,
Beyond the lake,
Into the deep blue sea.
Into the cold black sea.
At first,
There was a crescent moon,
To guide me.
Then,
There was a full moon,
to blind me.
And now,
There’s a winning moon,
failling me.
My arms are sore,
My feet are frozen,
My eyes are burning.
I cannot last longer.
Where did you go?
There’s a trickle on my cheek.
There’ a sickle in my eyes
There’s a ripple on the lake.
And a voice telling me,
I don’t want you to follow me.
I don’t want you to care for me.
I don’t want you to love me.
My mouth is full of salt,
My mouth is full of water,
My mouth is full of bitterness.
Dearest,
Do you think a human being can control her heart?
Maybe you do…
Yours is hidden in a high tower.
Yours is hidden in a lost island.
Yours is hidden in a wild ocean.
That no one can cross.
Only fools venture to those waves.
Only lovers venture through the silence.
Only madwomen venture to that darkness.
But look through my eyes….
Beyond the waves I see peace.
Beyond the silence I see smiles.
Beyond the darkness I see a flicker.
Is it a candle?
Is it a star?
Is it a wildfire?
Burning and burning.
Like my heart,
Like my mind,
Like my hope.
And all I want is to…
Dance until I fall.
Sing until I falter.
Swim until I drown.
Lost in the motion
Lost in the emotion.
Lost in the ocean.
Lost but willing to be found.
All trees must die.
Some turn into ashes in a blaze.
Some cave into their rotten inside.
Some are pulled out from their roots.
The first day is horrendous.
Birds chirp nervously and fly to and fro.
Squirrels screech indignantly and hop into the emptiness.
Children look up anxiously running up and down.
Where did it go?
I’d rather your stomp remained.
I’d rather your roots remained,
I’d rather your bark remained.
Keeping me anchored on this earth.
Lonely sentinel, tell me…
Where are your forefathers?
Where are your mothers?
Where are your brothers?
You are surrounded by
Bricks
Concrete
Tired tired old houses.
But where are your people ?
I know a pine tree just like you,
across that field.
I know an oak tree just like you
on the other end of that road.
I know a beech just like you
behind that house.
They remember too…
When my own people were not here.
And you swayed,
And you stood,
And you rose,
in the thick mist.
over the marshes.
into everlasting woods.
For centuries,
For millenniums,
For light years.
Or not…
Fire, your enemy, always existed.
Wind, your enemy, always existed.
Hale, your enemy, always existed.
My forehead against your bark.
My lips against your leaves.
My fingers entwined in your shoots.
Tell me, tell me…
Of the great abyss of your history.
Of the great bitterness of your history.
Of the great melody of your history.
Yes, that song…
I hear, when the winds blows,
I learn, when the breeze rises.
I join, when the night falls.
And time doesn’t mean anything anymore.
I stand with you,
against the storm.
I brace with you,
against the cold.
I rise with you,
against all odds.
And we long for dawn.
And we long for spring.
And we long for forests.
Together,
We’ll last longer.
Together,
We’ll rise higher.
Together,
We’ll grow deeper.
A happy homely forest.
To keep your scars safe.
To keep my anguish safe.
To keep our hope safe.
My might oak,
My tender aspen,
My gentle maple.
I know how lonely you are.
I know how scared you are.
I know how brave you are.
As you waver.
As you shiver.
As you shudder.
Losing limbs,
Losing leaves,
Losing space.
and yet you endure….
Like a prayer,
Like a dream,
Like a hope…
Resilient.
An acorn tumbling on the ground.
A stem rising from the ground.
A trunk reaching for the sky.
How utterly beautiful.
How deeply moving.
How softly yearning.
For that hope rooted in you.
For that gentleness weaved in you.
For that richness drooping from you.
My shelter,
My strengthener
My reviver.
Ever growing.
Under His Grace,
Under His Bounty,
Under His Care.
July 2021
The mermaid slept
tangled in the pirate’s arms.
The fearless ranger slept,
entwined in the werewolf’s arms.
The elven princess slept,
curled into her knight’s arms.
Morning came,
And they were once more separated
with a screen
with kilometres
with silence.
The galleon left the deep sea.
The wolf left his hide in the forest.
The knight left the castle in his heart..
He goes through his day never knowing,
A fairy plays in his beard.
A naiad swim in his tears.
A huma flies in his daydreams.
Wherever she goes she can
See a feather spiralling to her.
Hear a bird beckoning to her.
Feel a flutter of wings next to her.
And how she smiles!
Is he smiling too?
And how she hopes!
Is he hoping too?
And she prays!
Is he praying too?
How can she know when
All she has are dreams.
All she has are words.
All she has are images.
To touch from your fingertips.
To hear from your ears.
To feel from your lips.
Who is your lover?
Although
Your hearts
Your minds
Your souls
have already met.
A long long time ago.
When all was One.
When all was none.
And we promised together,
And we witnessed together,
And we learned together,
The destination of our course.
Let me try,
Let them send armies,
Let them use reason.
As we call for the protection of Our Creator
There’s a rose growing on this tree.
White
Bedwed
Blushing.
The tired weather beaten oak says
Get away.
Climb away.
Scatter away,
I am rotten inside.
I am ever uprooted.
I am never growing.
One thorn nestles against his barlk.
One petal falls to his roots
One stem reaches for his branch.
The hopeful ever blushing rose whisper
Your trunk is pure.
Your roots are fragrant.
Your branches reach for the stars.
He bristles,
She shivers.
Her seasons come and go,
scattering petals.
His seasons come and go,
scattering leaves.
And acorns
that nestle against her roots.
Furious winds,
Blistering cold,
Deafening rains,
And yet she still clings to him.
And yet he still draws her closer.
How long has it been?
How many years has it been?
How many springs has it been?
Long enough,
Too long,
Yet not long enough.
Another bruise blossom
Another sweet fragrance
Another soft caress.
Another branch,
Tall and strong.
Another leaf,
Light and vibrant.
Another lenticel,
Deep and thirsty.
So thirst…
For that blossom.
For that fragrance.
For that caress.
To feel human again.
To feel held again.
To feel real again.
And love…
After the last sunbeam,
After the last goodnight,
After the last prayer,
Another girl rises.
He doesn’t know her.
You don’t know her.
They don’t know her.
She’s so very different,
From all that wisdom,
From all that composure,
From all that frozen image.
The moon isn’t distant anymore.
The lover isn’t distant anymore.
The damsel isn’t distant anymore.
She’s all,
Skin
Lips
and throat.
Singing,
Dancing,
Swaying.
Like a wild creature,
Like a forgotten dream,
Like a mischievous fae,
finally set free.
It’s dark,
It’s late,
It’s deep.
Timeless like the galaxy,
Roaring like the waves,
Twirling like the leaves.
Alone,
Lonely,
Lovelorn.
But burning so brightly
But yearning so deeply
But breathing so lightly.
You dream of her,
sometimes.
You hope for her,
sometimes.
You glimpse her,
Sometimes.
But she’s ever out of your reach.
Her deepest love
Her strongest bond
Her brightest moment
Wrapped in plastic.
Cloaked in wires.
Scattered in codes.
01101001
00100000
01101100
01101111
01110110
01100101
00100000
01111001
01101111
01110101
00100000
01010101
11000111
10100111
01110101
01110010
Now you know,
Don’t you?
Now you run,
Don’t you?
Now you vanish,
Don’t you.
Layla Ali Sultan 