Author: Layla

Writer. Dreamer. Wild woman, free creature.

Last days of January

~ Layla ~ Leave a comment

Yesterday’s snow is trickling.
Yesterday’s ice is crumbling.

I can smell Spring in the air.
I can feel Winter in the air.

Four squirrels
jumping to and fro.

Three sparrows,
Hopping to and fro.

One robin.
singing to and fro.

And that wild cat with golden eyes.

Fearless in the forest.
Fearful the the garden.

Is it still Winter,,
Or Spring is back?

I will know once the sun sinks in sorrow.

Is it sorrow or is it fortitude?

All hearts must melt,
Heart of snow under the sun.

All hearts must melt,
Hearts of stone in the sun.

Melt,
Trickle,
Drip.

And spring will be back.

But the wind blows,
and blows the chime
and blows in the chimney

Those who are blind,

Believe there is only death in Winter.
Believe trees are bare in Winter.
Believe the forest is silent in Winter.

yet,

It’s only when the foliage has scattered.
It’s only when the roots are covered
It’s only when the fields are covered

that you can truly see.

The many birds perched on high,
The many mushrooms nestled deep,
The many wild footprints around the pond.

Snow cover and reveal.
Falling leaves reveal and cover.

Truth is always seen by the innocent gaze.

Let Winter sing a last icy lament,
For, the birds of Spring are already vocalizing.

How many dark days
Must endure?

Soon,
Very soon…

A hopeful thrill will herald the return of violets.

14/01/21

~ Layla ~ Leave a comment

Are those words for me?
Are those roses for me?
Are those sighs for me?

Or are they for the world?
Or are they for your ghosts?
Or are they for your own self?

I sifter through them
I slide through them
I fly through them.

High
High high
High up there.

And I look down.

Is this a sparrow?
Is this a boy?
Is this a crown less king?

I cannot leave.

When your gaze turns inward.
When your words turn inward.
When your battles turn inward.

I fall down…

Like dust on your jacket,
Like a feather in your hair,
Like rain on your cheeks.

Are those my tears?
Are those your tears?
Are those our tears?

If there’s any doubt in your mind.
If there’s any fear in your heart.
If there’s any dust on your soul.

Please remember,

I am yours.

It is for you that I write.
It is for you that I sing.
It is for you that I pray.

In spite of the distance,
In spite of the veil,
In spite of the web,

Between us,

It is all for you.

May I be your shield.
May I be your banner.
May I be your cloak.

May we ride side by side.
May we struggle side by side.
May we pray side by side.

May you find your way home.

From this journey,
From this quest,
From this victory.

It’s not a battle of fists,
It’s a battle of might.

Of the soul against the self,
Of the heart against the darkness,
Of the feather against the steal.

My gentle sparrow.

I watch you through the mirror,
I watch you through the veil,
I watch you through my dreams,

as I struggle too.

Against my self doubts,
Against my nightmares,
Against my bitterness.

Do you know that I struggle too?

I am not a saint of stone and decay.
I am not a maiden of porcelain.
I am not a queen of glass.

I am too small.
I am too gnarled.
I am too cracked,

for perfection.

I hope you remember that,

When you long for me,
When you pray for me,
When you wait for me.

I am not perfect,
You are not perfect
but Our Creator is perfect.

And He knows,
what we don’t know.

So I pray,
Like I hope you pray.

13/01/21

~ Layla ~ 8 Comments

For you,
Only the gentlest thought.

For you,
Only the purest thought.

For you,
Only the kindest thought.

You do not know

How much I protect you
even from my own mind.

How much I pray for you freedom
even from my own hands.

How much I hope for your safety
even from my own heart.

I scattered words around me

Like leaves
Like petals
Like feathers.

Softly gliding.
Gently fluttering.
Silently falling.

I said so much.
I said enough.
I said it all.

And you turned away.
And you came back.
And you turn away.
And you come back.

I read your words
I peer at your photos
I watch the space between each letter.

Like a cracked scrying glass
Like a map for this maze.
Like a faint whisper in the mist.

Like leaves,
Like petals,
Like feathers.

He loves me.
He loves me not.

He forgets me.
He forgets me not.

He breaks me.
He breaks me not.

One message,
I beam.

No message,
I scatter.

A sunflower,
I flutter.

Soft,
Gentle,
Ghostly,

but here.

My love,

Let me be your moonbeam,
Let me be your sunshine,
Let me be your little bird…

Like one that has forgotten how to flutter.
Like the one who has forgotten how to hope.
Like the one who has forgotten how to sing,

nestled in your chest.

If I were a bird,
you could hear me sing.

If I were a rose
You could see me bloom.

If I were the sea,
You could feel my caress

But I am only a woman,

So far away,
So so far away.

08/01/21

~ Layla ~ Leave a comment

Only those who know of longing,
Know of that unquenchable thirst.

Only those who know of flying,
Know of that wingless rising.

Only those who know of loving
Know of that untameable bursting.

Thirst,
Rise,
Burst,

My soul,
My wings,
My heart.

How can I write,
When i don’t know?

How can I think,
When I don’t understand?

How can I breathe,
When I don’t have oxygen?

Like a forgotten satellite,
Like a forgotten moon,
Like a forgotten comet,

Never to gravitate,
Never to circumambulate
Never to attain

That prized star,
That secret chasm,
That perfect immensity.

I was looking for what cannot be seen.
I was thirsting for what cannot be touched.
I was dying for what cannot be heard.

By my five senses.
By my human existence.
By my mundane reality.

I found you instead.

Shivering,
Earnest,
Stumbling.

A quivering soul
awing from His Gaze

A shimmering soul
glowing from His Touch

A lulling soul
echoing His Message.

Human,
Mortal,
Imperfect.

Just like me.

My quest became a tumult
My goal became a memory,
My destination became a blur.

I am still too unripe
I am still too bedewed
I am still too small

To reach for the beyond.

And yet,

even that human gaze,
even that human touch,
even that human voice

remains unattainable.

Keeping me adrift
Keeping me afloat
Keeping me around.

I cannot fly,
I cannot run,
I cannot walk.

I remain here.

In this rivulet of love,
in this drop of passion,
in this trickling of hope.

Please,
Please,
Please

I beseech Thee.
I beg Thee.
I plead Thee.

My Lord,
My Creator,
My Love,

Let me be a woman
Let me be a lover
Let me be a human

And taste,

What angels cannot,
What spirits cannot,
What nuns cannot,

and what all ordinary human beings have.

A human comfort,
A human touch,
A human love.

The ever expanding universe
The ever collapsing sun
The ever revolving earth

are too big for me.

Your Mercy
Your Omnipresence,
Your Abundance

are too much for me.

A drop,
A fleck,
A flicker,

are more than enough for hundred lifetimes.

My soul shivers,
My heart quivers,
My bones thrill.

How can I know of,

Divine completion,
Divine embrace,
Divine love,

When I haven’t fully tasted human love?

Like a berry ripen too late
in the morning frost.

Like a rose blooming too early,
in the alpine wind.

Like a hope whispered too loud,
in the end of a story.

Is it too late for me?

Will I become a tale?
Will I become a thread?
Will I become a regret?

In this ever expanding tapestry?

I do not know.

How,
When,
and why.

Only One knows.

Thus,

My every breath,
My every words,
My every poems,

are a prayer to Him.

Who created me.
Who formed me.
Who guides me,

back to Him.

Breathe in,
On your path, you will find a rose,

Breathe out,
You will choose to pick up that rose.

Hold still,
and you will breathe the fragrance of His Rose.

02/12/20

~ Layla ~ Leave a comment

The room is warm behind me
The window is cold in front of me.

But I don’t look away.

The magpies in their cocktail dresses.
The great tits in their matching smokings.
The robin with her pinafore and a bleeding heart.

And beyond them, the woods.
And beyond them, the roads,
And beyond them, the streets.

Never-ending streets

That brought me here.
That lead me nowhere.
That took them away.

Watched some of them go,
Cheered some as they went,
Missed some who fled away.

I drink my coffee from your forgotten mug,
I wrap myself in the shawl you made for me,
I write in the notebook you gifted me.

I remember the voices.
I remember the jokes.
I remember the tears.

It’s not a goodbye,
It’s not an ending,
It’s not a last page.

There’s a long way to the sea.

Maybe tomorrow,
Maybe next year,
Maybe in fifty years,

We’ll laugh again.
We’ll hope again.
We’ll remember again.

Sisters,
Friends,
Fellow human beings.

I hope you remember the warmth.
I hope you remember the dreams.
I hope you remember the prayers.

That we shared.
That we shall share forever.

In distant echoes,
In loud memories,
In gentle smiles.

I will carry you with me.
I will weave you over me.
I will keep you in my words.

Until then,

I listen to the wind whispering to the trees.
I breathe in the rich scents of autumn.
I watch the birds chatter, leave and return.

And when it’s too cold,

I crawl to my hearth,
I huddle under the eiderdown.
I warm my heart with words.

Stories,
Song,
Sighs

of what is sure to come.

My own flight.
My own knight.
My own heights.

Dear sisters,

One day,
It will be my turn.

And he will be kind.
And he will be gentle.
And he will be true.

… With him, I will also find

Contentment.
Felicity.
Joy.

And a hand in mine.
And a face against mine.
And a breath mingling with mine.

Our very own path through the woods…

To wherever our hearts take us to.
To wherever our prayers take us to.
To wherever our Lord take us to.

Home.

18/11/20

~ Layla ~ 3 Comments

Perhaps the birds come human watching

Flickering
Tweeting
Worrying

Beyond the windows.

And on the boughs,
And on the low trees,
And on the freshly sown field.

Watching,
Witnessing,
Whispering.

Here she goes,
on her purple bike.

Here he goes,
on with his sturdy boots.

Winter or summer
Spring or autumn
They go each in their own way.

Chating,
Shopping,
Roaming.

Deeply rooted,
Firmly planted,
Kindly watered.

Here to last.

Hello there,
See you tomorrow.

And they always end up,
face to face.

And they always end up,
hand in hand,

And they always end up,
coffee to coffee.

Winter or summer
Spring or autumn
They watch the years go by.

Time to downsize.
Time to live it up.
Time to start again.

Time and time,
Unravelling
Travelling

Fast
Slow
Fast

and there….

He’s gone.

No more leaves to rack up.
No more dreams to wake up.
No more coffees to drink up.

Boisterous
Bold
Bright.

Eternal optimist.

Never believed in defeat.
Never believed in endings.
Never believed in superstitions.

Friday the 13th?

Just another date.
Just another day.
Just a last day.

And it’s over.

A wave,
A smile,
A hello…

They were there,
the day before all cafés closed.

She will be alone,
the day after all cafés will open.

He will be gone,
the days after all cafés will open

In a blink.

How small,
How silent,
How tender

Is one life.
Is one month.
Is one love.

Years and years,
of the same street.

Years and years,
of the same crowd.

Years and years,
of the same old table.

And down the road,
And across the gate,
And behind the garden,

A flutter
A lament,
A chirp,

On the oak trees bordering the cemetery.

Another winter day is over,
Another winter day is awaiting.

On and on,
Until spring.

A white feather,
A green acorn,
A crimson peak.

And that golden sunset,
And that golden goodbye,
And that golden foliage,

A promise?
A promise.

0809/11/20

~ Layla ~ Leave a comment

Do you know,
that you’re the only one who knows the secret path?

Do you know,
that you’re the only one who knows the secret spell?

How did you find the way,
Through the forbidding forest?

How did you find the way,
Through the sharp mountain range?

How did you find the way,
Through the dark abyss?

How did you?

Find the hidden realm.
Found the last refuge.
Found the sacred hearth.

And then leave?

How do you hear,
the words I never say?

How do you feel,
the kisses I cannot give?

How do you understand,
the foreign language I cannot speak?

It cannot be,
How can it be?

It’s just the whisper of the leaves,
It’s just the sigh of the night owl,
It’s just the last song of the robin.

Only a hymn to hope.
Only the prayer of a dreamer.
Only the tendrils of a story.

And yet.

It courses through my veins like a jolt.
It burns through my recitation.
It crumbles my strongest resolve.

Dear Creator,
The First,
The Last…

Did you allow me this tender bliss?

Or am I straying

into the well.
Into the dam
Into the ditch.

Tell me,
tell me.

Is this the man You created for me.
Am I the woman You created for him.

Is it this the relief
Is this the refuge
Is this the respite

You have planned for us?

Or is it just,

a last dance
a last test

before I’m, Yours.

08/11/20

~ Layla ~ Leave a comment

All my friends are here,

The sparrows
The great tits,
The magpie.

They sing about their day,
They ask for more rice,
They praise their creator

I feel like waving at them,
I feel like hugging them,
I feel like calling them,

But I don’t.

One wrong move,
One wrong stance,
One wrong word,

and they will fly away.

Like you.

But there’s a breeze…

And in a flutter,
They return.

And with a tweet,
They return.

And with a peck,
They return.

Just like you.

The trees are bare.
The walls are silent.
The ground is cold.

When they are gone.
When you are silent
When I am alone.

Alone, so alone.

I don’t miss the crowds.
I don’t miss the roars.
I don’’t miss the chatter.

I miss,
Flesh and bones.

I miss
Warmth and truth.

I miss,
Soul and heart.

You,
and the birds.

You,
but not them.

You.
and not people.

I never tell you,
I never reveal to you,
I never show to you,

How much I miss your presence.

Too afraid of your flight.
Too afraid of your fright.
Too afraid of your fears.

Will they push me away?
Will they send me away?
Will they lock me away?

As you watch silently.

I don’t listen to those fears.
I don’t listen to those lies.
I don’t listen to those ghosts.

I greet my friend with a smile.

They flitter by.

Flickering golden leaves on the ground.
Finishing the last crumbs of my lunch.
Fluttering the thin branches of my cherry tree.

How gentle,
How soft,
How sweet!

I tend my hearth.
I tend my hurts.
I tend my heart.

And sweep the crumbles leaves away.
And dig out the tiny radishes from the earth.
And root in garlic for next summer.

Wrapped in my own melody.

The sun filters through the tattered curtain of foliage-
The sun filters through the tangled curtain of my hair.
The sun filter through the misty curtain in my mind.

That evanescent glow,
That fading glow,
That precious glow,

makes me rise and dance.
makes me glimmer and grow.
makes me dream and hope.

The beauty of a quiet autumn afternoon.

I wish,
I pray,
I hope,

to spend it with you.

Will the chirps make you want to dance?
Will the golden sunset make you want to sing?
Will the shivering trees make you want to hold me?

These are the questions I can never ask.

So I tell my friends,

The red breasted robin,
The woodpecker,
The swallows.

Maybe in a season or two,

A bird will perch on your shoulder.
A bird will peck at your window.
A bird wills settle in your beard

and lull you with a melodious confession.

19/10/20

~ Layla ~ Leave a comment

Truth belongs to the patient
Truth belong to the resilient
Truth belong to the constant

Deeply buried under the earth
Deeply buried under the ice
Deeply buried under the ashes

Truth waits…

To that hunter that waited forever under the ice.
for justice

To that princess that waited forever under the sand
for love.

To those lovers that waited forever under the earth
for absolution.

Lost
Forgotten
Found.

Yet a mystery until the last day…

For what do we know of the time
when these valleys were embracing glaciers?

For what do we know of the time
when humanity was a speck in a never-ending tundra?

For what do we know of the time
when those now forgotten lands sung with triumph?

Pieces
Dust
Embers.

And so many theories held as truth
And so many history books held as truth
And so many mythical legends held as truth.

Until the turn of the tide.

A new storyteller
A new weaver
A new jester

creates an empire of gold and ashes.

Have you travelled through those roads?
Have you travelled through those passes?
Have you travelled through those bridges?

And felt…

Soft tendril
Distant flickers
Muted echoes

The past is forgotten
The past is fragmented
The past is ever returning.

Like the waxing and waning of the pearl
Like the rise and fall of the golden phoenix
Like the surge of light and death within a maiden.

Pulsating
Vibrant
Warm

Life.

What lives,
never die.

What dies,
always return.

What lives and dies,
tell the truth.

Did you see?
Did you hear?
Did you understand?

Patience,
Let your heart beat.

Patience,
Let your mind breathe.

Patience,
Let your soul beam.

Soar,
Glide,
Rise…

Do you see it now?

The season of the continents,
Ever shifting.

The season of the planets,
Ever transforming.

The season of the atoms,
Ever remembering.

Like a dance,

Twirl
Turn
and whirl.

Words are never erased,
from a paper.

Hovels are never raised
to the ground.

Hopes are never cast,
to the seas –

Without returning.

A chimera.
A ghoul,
A ghost…

A reminder.
A secret.
A spell.

Written within the bark of a tree.
Whispered in an ice core
Weaved in thick amber.

For those who see
For those who seek.
For those who feel…

The echoes of your last breath.
The reverberation of your precious life.
The melody of the Truth within you.

Centuries ago.
Millenniums ago.
Ages and ages ago.

And now buried in time.

Until the land rocks and slides.
Until the ice breaks and melts.
Under the seas recede and boil over.

Truth remains,
Until the end of the times.

18/10/20

~ Layla ~ Leave a comment

When I drift into your realm,

I am greeted by a growling dark sky
I am greeted by golden falling leaves
I am greeted by a marching army.

But as I walk in,

No harm
No danger
No spears

are aimed at me.

There’s a sadness lingering in the air
There a bitterness lingering in the river
There’s a gentleness lingering in the birdsongs.

Legends whisper
Echoes wander.
Words fester.

There once used to be a queen in this land.
There once used to be a king on the throne.
So long ago….

The queen is gone.
The king is lost.
So long ago.

No queen,
No crown,
Nothing but bitter defeats.

The king is lost…

Whisper the willow
Repeat the pine
Harp the heather.

I hear
I listen
I ponder

… But I keep on going.

The priestess is here.
The princess is here.
The healer is here.

Unafraid.
Untainted
Untameable

The path opens up under my feet.
The path winds beyond my reach.
The path fades into marshes in front of me.

I wait by a well.

I sing
I weave
I pray

And sure enough,

The embers of dawn
The jewels of dawn
The hope of dawn

You always come.

The wandering king
The wounded knight
The wayfaring man.

Your hands tremble
Your voice whispers
Your eyes water

Like mine,
Like mine…
My love.

All those songs,
are sung by you.

All those poems,
are written by you.

All those dreams,
are shaped by you.

As the rain falls outside,
Inside we hold each other’s heart.

As the night falls on the world,
Under here we hold each other’s hands.

As the chaos settles on our civilization,
Hidden, we hold on to each other’s soul.

Four seasons for this world,
So many others for us.

Twelve months for this world,
So many others for us.

One year for this world,
So many others for us.

There is time between each second.
There is space between each breath.
There is hope between each word.

I believe it.
Do you?
Do you believe it?

Autumn has come back.

Leaves under our boots.
Warm cups between our hands.
Cold wind through our hair,

Autumn has come back.

Our favourite season.
Our favourite spring.
Our favourite time.

Autumn has come back.

Time is what I cannot hold.
Time is what you need.
Time is what I can give.

Silver tendrils of time,
Carved paths of time,
Rusted gates of time.

Fleeting,
Flying,
Freeing.

When will the past stop
weighing your wings?

When will the past allow
the fluttering of your wings?

When will the past feed
the vigour of your wings?

My wingless sparrow…

When?

I never ask.
I never wonder.
I never add to lead on your wings.

Instead,

I sing another song.
I weave another poem.
I whisper another prayer.

My fingers reaching for yours.
My heart turning to yours.
My dreams looking for yours.

This realm of yours is enchanted.

I cannot move further.
I cannot move back.

Cannot say goodbye.

Thus,

The kingdom remains quiet.
The knight remains there.
The maiden remains here.

Maybe tomorrow the sun will rise high,
Maybe tomorrow the robins will sing high.
Maybe tomorrow your spirit will soar high.

And you will believe in love again.